We are so sorry for your loss, and saddened to know you are having to use this information. We hope you will find it useful, factual and take some of the stress out of your future weeks.
Coping with grief after a stillbirth is very personal but we wanted to share some of the feelings our supporters have experienced when grieving for their stillborn baby, in the hope it might help others. We know that for parents the intense grief after losing a baby can cause overwhelming, possibly frightening, emotional and physical reactions. You may feel life will never be normal again. Knowing more about how others experienced the grieving process may help.
For women, grief will be also be combined by the natural mood changes caused by the dropping hormone levels after having a baby. Remember to allow for this.
You might feel overwhelmed by maternal instinct and frightened by the intensity of these feelings.
‘It is such a powerful feeling and if this is your first child it can be very unsettling as you come to terms with the strength of the grief. But remember you are strong too.’ Lucie
‘I found a lot of comfort in washing and drying the clothes my son had worn when in the hospital – I understood later that this was an expression of my maternal instinct in wanting to care for him in any way I still could.’ Kathryn
'I remember just saying over and over again "I want her back". I would have given anything to go back to the hospital and hold her again. Or to kiss her cold little cheeks. We had the clothes we had dressed her in and they still smelt of her, so we had put them into a sealed bag to keep the smell, and we would take turns in opening the bag and sniffing them before quickly sealing it up again.' Diane, who lost her baby Chloe at 40 weeks (read Diane's story here)
Some mothers describe wanting to dig up their baby’s body from the grave to cuddle them. Others talk about their arms aching to hold their baby. Any reaction you have to your loss is completely natural.
You may physically feel, hear or see things you can’t explain, like your baby kick inside you or the sound of a baby crying.
Day to day grieving
Many mothers said that after losing their baby they could not think straight and felt unable to make deci-sions. Grief can take over your mind and sometimes affect your short-term memory and you may find it difficult to remember things that have just happened.
‘In the immediate aftermath of losing Chloe, the thing that helped me the most was actually to isolate myself for a week. My husband and I requested no visitors. We checked in via text with our parents to let them know we were OK, but ultimately we just cocooned ourselves together at home. We needed to sit and cry and try to absorb what had happened.’ Diane, who lost her baby Chloe at 40 weeks (read Diane's story here)
The immediate moments or days after their stillbirth are often described as a blur. It can leave you feeling in shock, numb and disconnected
Some mums felt they could not leave home and dreaded having to explain to an acquaintance where their baby was.
Many parents couldn’t face the idea of seeing other babies, and felt intense jealousy towards other parents.
Others decided to visit their antenatal group, which was often a distressing but positive experience.
'I was supposed to be a mother, what was I now? I’d already made plans for Christmases and birthdays. I’d imagined three little boys excitedly opening presents. I didn’t know who I was or who I was supposed to be. Pregnancy was focused on the outcome of being a mother. I had to create a new life and I no longer knew what I liked, wanted or needed.' Jo
Guilt and anger after a stillbirth
Many women feel they have failed as mothers. They feel responsible for what has happened because their body let them down and they didn’t give birth to a healthy baby.
It’s not unusual for bereaved parents, particularly mums, to become obsessed with their own, their partner’s or their other children’s health. Your own mortality can come to the fore – if a tiny baby can die so can anyone. This reaction usually fades with time – if it doesn’t and you are struggling to manage the anxiety, talk to your doctor or health visitor.
With time, some mums also feel guilty when they start to feel a little better, as if they’re not honouring their baby or ‘forgetting them’.
Anger is a very natural part of grief. Many parents direct this towards the hospital, and at other times to-wards friends and family. For some women it is a generalised anger at the undeservedness and injustice, ‘Why me?’
All the feelings we mention here are normal. However, if you start to worry about how you’re feeling, please try talking to your GP.
Fathers and coping with grief
The information on this page is for both parents, but it needs to be acknowledged that fathers can be for-gotten after a baby is stillborn. As everyone looks to the mother it’s easy to overlook the fact that men need time and space to grieve too. Men and women may grieve differently. With men expressing less emotion, it is easy to assume that ‘they are OK’.
Some men find it difficult to express their emotions and their feelings can get locked up. This can be misunderstood as indifference to the loss of their baby.
Many men take on the role of protector in the family; supporting their wife or partner and not allowing time for their own grief. It is not unusual for men to take on the practicalities and keep themselves busy.
You will both need time and space to grieve. This may happen after the funeral if there is one, or possibly many weeks later.
'I had to go back to work straight away. It was a good distraction. I ran a lot and I kept doing that. I signed up for marathons. Running got me away for a few hours at a time and gave me a way to switch off. I wasn’t right for at least six months after. I was functioning but I was on autopilot. I wasn’t myself. People might not have noticed too much.' Keith, who lost his son Owen at 38 weeks (Read Keith’s story here)
Getting help to cope from friends and family
Family and friends may want to rally around. Some parents will appreciate this, others might find it exhausting. This is a time to be honest about what you need.
Practical help can be invaluable, particularly in the early days when you’re recovering from the birth. If you have trusted friends or family and are able to cope with having them around these are things they can help with:
- home cooked meals
- filing and responding to messages of condolences
- looking after other children.
For other women, however, keeping busy can be part of the healing process.
After the birth
Most women, will agree that the emotional pain is infinitely more difficult to bear than the physical discomfort of giving birth. But don’t underestimate how your hormone levels rapidly change after the birth, and post-natal mood swings and tears are normal, regardless. These hormonal changes might make your grief even harder to cope with in the early weeks and months.
You will also have to cope with the physical effects of giving birth. You will bleed heavily for the first few days after the birth, you may have painful stitches or after-pains (as the uterus contracts back to its normal size). Your breasts will produce milk and this can lead to painful engorgement. Talk to your midwife about how to manage your milk coming in.
The physical side-effects of giving birth can be very difficult to cope with and it can feel like nature is play-ing a cruel trick on you.
‘For me one of the most awful things was my milk coming in. I was sadly unable to take any medication to stop it, so I was told to compress my breasts with tighter tops to try and stem the supply.’ Bethan
The hospital will tell your GP, community midwife and health visitor what has happened so they can offer you care and support once you are home.
If you haven’t heard from your GP within a few days, phone your surgery to arrange to see someone. You might want to ask your GP to put a note on your record so it is immediately obvious to anyone you deal with in future what has happened.
Although it may be difficult and heart-breaking, it is important to ensure you attend all your post-natal appointments. It might help to call your GP and find out in advance of appointments what will happen so you can prepare yourself.
You may have physical reactions to your grief. Heart palpitations, shaking, chest pains, diarrhoea, butter-flies in your stomach and sickness are all common.
It is important to try to look after yourself after the birth. You may not feel like eating or drinking but you need to try to keep physically strong to cope with the emotional trauma.
Many women felt it was very difficult to leave the house, but if you feel able to do so, parents often report that once they went out they felt that being outdoors in the fresh air helped.
‘It's almost like I created a time capsule, which may be seen as unhealthy to some, but I find it so therapeutic. I spent a long time after the birth just sitting playing every minute of the labour and delivery and the following 12 hours over in my head because I didn't want to forget how I felt or what happened, as if I did start to forget it would mean I would also forget Chloe. I had to take that pressure off myself to stop my panic attacks, and so the memory box has really helped with that. When I do sit and look through it I am taken back to those feelings, and honestly sometimes I really need to just sit in that and feel it wash over me again. But then when I have had my time looking back through everything I can put it away and focus on my day to day life again.’ Diane, who lost her baby Chloe at 40 weeks (read Diane's story here)
You may be more prone to viral infections, such as colds. You may feel physically exhausted.
Sleep may be difficult for a while. You might have vivid dreams and nightmares.
Do not hesitate to get in touch with your GP if you feel you need extra support with the physical effects of grieving.
‘I suffered from ptsd and nightmares for several months after my stillbirth. At night I would lie in bed reliving what had happened. I learnt to write my feelings down which acted as a release.' Bethan
'The grief was overwhelming. I suffered horrific nightmares, and although family and friends rallied around, nobody could penetrate the bubble of heart and gut wrenching ache. I learnt to ‘act’, to do the bare minimum to simply survive my daily routine.' Jo
Share your feelings
Talking to close and trusted family members or friends about your feelings and your experience can bring comfort.
Most mothers also felt that talking to other women who had experienced a stillbirth was very help-ful and reassured them that their feelings were normal. It can also make you feel less alone.
You may find that crying and talking about your baby are good ways of releasing feelings. You may want to tell your story over and over again. This is normal and you should follow this instinctive urge to talk as it helps you come to terms with what has happened. Don’t be afraid to mention the name of your baby who has died.
Other parents however find it hard to express their feelings or talk about their baby.
‘Sometimes you just don’t know where to start, or find it too hard or horrifically sad.’ Lucy
It might be helpful to write down what happened and how you feel each day. You may want to draw or paint, write a poem, keep a diary, create a web page, set up a blog or make a scrapbook.
SANDS, a support charity, can put you in touch with other mums and dads who have had stillborn babies and will be happy to listen and talk.
Get support to help cope with the grief
A bereavement support officer or bereavement midwife may be able to help you with paperwork and funeral planning.
You might also be able to access bereavement counselling through your GP.
There is support out there, but it will differ depending on where you live. Sometimes you need to explore all your options to find the best one for you.
Knowing the difference between postnatal depression and grief
Some mums suffer with postnatal depression after a stillbirth. You might also show signs of post-traumatic stress disorder after the terrible ordeal you’ve been through. Talk to your GP if you are worried about your feelings and reactions.
The main symptoms of postnatal depression are very similar to the symptoms of grief so it is not easy to tell them apart. If you have had a previous mental health issue though you are more likely to suffer from postnatal depression so you or a close person should be on the lookout.
- a persistent feeling of sadness and low mood
- loss of interest in life, no longer enjoying things that used to give pleasure
- lack of energy and feeling tired all the time.
Other symptoms can include:
- disturbed sleep, such as having trouble sleeping during the night and then being sleepy during the day
- difficulties with concentration and making decisions
- low self-confidence
- poor appetite or an increase in appetite (‘comfort eating’)
- feeling very agitated or, alternatively, very apathetic (you can’t be bothered)
- feelings of guilt and self-blame
- •thinking about suicide and self-harming.
If, after about six months, you are still struggling to cope with everyday life, consider getting some professional help, which you can discuss with your GP.
You can talk to our midwives on Tommy’s free PregnancyLine 0800 0147 800. Open 9-5, Monday to Friday. The midwives on the line have received training in bereavement care and welcome calls from parents who have lost a baby.
There is also an online forum where you can connect with other people who have lost a baby.
Saying Goodbye offers support, advice and a befriending service. You can also attend Saying Goodbye ceremonies across the country.
The Child Bereavement Trust has support groups, offers counselling and lots of online resources. They can help siblings through a bereavement.
TAMBA is the Twins and Multiple Births Association for support with losing a multiple birth baby.
Ways to help, support and understand your partner after a stillbirth
Information and advice on supporting children when their sibling has been stillborn
Seeing your son or daughter coping with their baby’s death is very difficult and painful. This page is support for grandparents coping after with the stillbirth of their grandchild.
Find out the maternity rights and benefits that you’re entitled to if your baby is stillborn.
Going back to work after losing a baby can be a welcome return to routine for some, and a terrifying prospect for others. Take time to work out what’s best for you.
Pregnancy after a loss often brings mixed emotions and can be a very anxious time.
Spending time now with your stillborn baby could help you cope with the grief later.
Information about postnatal care and appointments for mothers following a stillbirth
Information and support for mums on giving birth to a stillborn baby
How to support parents at work whose baby was stillborn
How to support parents who have suffered a stillbirth, advice for family, friends and colleagues
Information on how to cope with the physical effects of having a stillborn baby
ℹLast reviewed on September 1st, 2017. Next review date September 1st, 2020.
By ameenat (not verified) on 24 Apr 2018 - 11:34
hi loss of a baby is a very devastating event more especially me i lost my gorgeious daughter and last month in this 2018 i also lost my handsome boy the pain is undescribable both my zainab and aly died due to jaundice their bilurubin is too high they change the blood of my little aly and put him under phototherapy but finally he died seven days after birth and my darling zainab two days after birth
By Midwife @Tommys on 26 Apr 2018 - 15:09
We are so sorry to hear that you have lost both of you little ones so very recently. This must be a very difficult time of you and your family and we cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling. If you feel like you would want to speak to the Tommy's Midwives in confidence, when and if you are ready, then please email on [email protected] Try and take one day at a time, don't put too much pressure on yourself and be kind to yourself at this time. Best Wishes Tommy's Midwives x
By Kylie (not verified) on 28 Apr 2018 - 14:47
I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. There is nothing worse in life to lose your children. I wish you strength. I am the mother of a stillborn baby. You are not alone in the pain.
By raeesa (not verified) on 16 May 2018 - 23:32
Lost my baby due to gestational diabetes and its painful feels like it's unreal this happened March 2018
By Midwife @Tommys on 17 May 2018 - 13:51
We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby, we can't even being to imagine how you must be feeling at this time. If you would like any support please contact us on email [email protected] or please call us on 0800 0147 800 ,Monday to Friday 9am-5pm, we are hear if you just need someone to talk too. Please take care of yourself, Tommy's Midwives x
By amina (not verified) on 23 Apr 2018 - 17:37
it's very hard to me! am just 22 but witnessed that terrible thing my first daughter died two days after birth due to jaudice i wept over and over till i got pregnancy again ;on 6th march 2018 i delivered a handsome boy after two days he started suffering and he was admitted to hospital after some range of trements which include phototherapy,exchange of blood and so on.I suddenly saw him dead on his seventh day the same hour he was born which is aƙso due to jaundice.
By Midwife @Tommys on 26 Apr 2018 - 12:40
We are so very sorry to hear about the loss of your 2 precious babies. We cannot even being to imagine what you and your family must be going through at this time. If we can offer you any further support, advice or guidance then please email the Tommy's Midwives on [email protected], we are here any time when you are ready. Take Care, Tommy's Midwives x
By lily (not verified) on 22 Mar 2018 - 15:22
hey do you have whassup contacts
By Midwife @Tommys on 23 Mar 2018 - 09:37
We are not contactable via Whatsapp but you can call us on 0800 0147 800 or email [email protected]
We are here Monday to Friday 9-5pm.
Best wishes, Tommy's midwives x
By Gugu (not verified) on 14 Mar 2018 - 16:42
Hi I'm gugu I lost my child last month 19/02/18 she was born this year 16/01/18 still difficult to believe.can't even cope at all
By Midwife @Tommys on 15 Mar 2018 - 16:39
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. If we can support you at all then please do contact us [email protected] and we will support you best we can. My thoughts are with you, take care, Tommy's midwives x
By Lina (not verified) on 13 Feb 2018 - 06:24
My still birthed cousin died a few years ago. It was a horrible feeling. I want to know what I could have done differently to get over the grief.
By Midwife @Tommys on 14 Feb 2018 - 11:08
I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your baby cousin. It might be best for you to call me on 0800 0147800 to have a detailed chat about this, rather than message here in a public space.
Thinking of you at this time as you are struggling with your grief.
By Dawn Thornton (not verified) on 22 Jan 2018 - 00:15
we lost our baby, my first grandchild 5 days after her due date as true to form she was stubborn and didn't want to come on Jan 1 2018. The recurring theme I am seeing is similar to my daughters story and what I am reading is that physicians are not listening to the complaints of their patients. Perhaps its because you cant really see the baby to assess the well being and of course familiarity with the patient is also and added issue. Mostly I think that physicians are misdiagnosing placental abruption and are looking too literally at the text book and not taking people as individuals into consideration. No one person presents the same for any condition and physicians need to stop putting everyone in the same category and start looking at the patient as an individual. Having said that I think it is safe to assume that I am deeply disheartened, hurt, sad that my 17 year old daughter had to endure a tragedy like losing her baby because she was unable to articulate her symptoms to a physician the night before she lost our Marie Ann . Sometimes you have to look further, I am a Nurse if I ignored every complaint or concern a patient or family member expressed I wouldn't have many living patients or be very good at my job. Fortunately I am not that Nurse. I wish I wish I wish I could trade places with my girl or her baby so that she wouldn't ever have to know the pain of losing a child.
I have two great tragedies in my life...the first was my ex-husband. He broke me. The second was the loss of my grand daughter she shattered me.
Good luck to all of you. I am hoping and praying that my daughter will recover from this horrible tragedy, have many more children, as she will be a wonderful...scratch this she was/is a wonderful mommy. I base my well being upon her. If she is ok then I am ok. lets all hope she is able to maintain a level of ok.
By Midwife @Tommys on 22 Jan 2018 - 16:28
Dawn, this is such a poignant piece of writing, Thank you so much for your input. I am so sorry for what you and your daughter have been through. It must be so raw for you. If we can help to support you call us on 0800 0147 800. We are a team of midwives who are here Monday to Friday to support you. I too hope that she has a level of ok to maintain her but I know that with your unconditional support she will have as good a chance as any. Our best wishes to both of you x
By francaogechi (not verified) on 29 Nov 2017 - 06:35
i have been ttc for 2 years finally on april i got my bfp,every thing was moving smoothly no morning sickness up untilli was 13 weeks gone i started having serious pains on my lower abdomen went to the hospital was told it was ligament pain ,i was given some pain killers which subsided the pains. 20 weeks pains came back went to the hospital for antenatal was told it was still same ligaments pain was given pain killers again ,2 days later went to wee and saw some funny mucus like discharge in the night so was planning to go to the hospital in the morning to lay my complain but unfortunately by 6 am my water broke was rushed to the hospital but my fluid was completely drained but baby heart beat was okay few hours later started having contractions the doctors tried to stop the contractions was given series of antibiotics against infection but against all odds on 30/07/2017 my son was born vaginally sleeping at 20 weeks 5 days. Ever since then its been so tough on me as i continually ask myself why me. Most of the people who where pregnant with me have all delivered carrying thier babies but me i am not. Its not easy
By Midwife @Tommys on 29 Nov 2017 - 09:21
I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your lovely son. That really must have been a very difficult experience for you and your family! It sounds as if you might benefit from some sort of counselling or talking therapy as it sounds as if you are still struggling to come to terms with what has happened and why. Counselling will enable you to talk through your memories, thoughts and feeling, and be given ways to channel your focus in other ways to help manage your grief.
You are also welcome to call us on the pregnacyline to speak to one of us in the team. We are not counsellors, but we are used to talking to women who have lost babies, and you might find a friendly chat useful. We are here if you need us.
You may find RELATE helpful for you and your partner - see below
A national counselling organisation for couples. Relate offer face to face, telephone and online counselling.
Helpline: 0300 100 1234 (Open Monday to Friday 9.30am to 4pm.)
Email: Via website address below
Please take care of yourself and know that we are here if you need us!
By Cheyenne DeBerry (not verified) on 10 Jan 2018 - 20:24
Hi, I just lost my son on 12/23/17. I was 31 week and I'm very lost, would you mind talking to me?
By Midwife @Tommys on 11 Jan 2018 - 09:26
I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your little boy. Of course we would be more than happy to speak to you- its wonderful that you have felt able to reach out for some support at this difficult time.
You can either call us on 0800 0147800 (Mon to Fri 9 am - 5pm)or email us directly and privately on [email protected]
Please take good care of yourself.
Sophie Tommy's Midwife
By joby (not verified) on 7 Nov 2017 - 21:17
after 4 years of marriage i finally get pregant..i was so excited when we i found out im pregnant 6 weeks pregant.me and my husband so happy very excited and wishing we will have a baby girl. when we learn the gender “its a girl”we both so happy and excited to buy babies stuffs. i was so very careful on my foods . taking my vitamins on time eating healthy foods.. we never miss any check ups.. every morning im singing a song before we start our day .regular exercises. talking to her every minutes every hour..i cant wait to hold and cuddle her. i reach 38 weeks i never feel any contraction yet, except back pain and pelvic pain.. my little girl was so active when i entered 39 weeks almost every we are in the hospital checking her heartbeat , NST.. every thing was norma 39weeks and 5 days OCTOBER 22 2017..9am o start to feel the contraction and getting worse and pain every 10-15 minutes .im was so happy and cant wait to see her while siffering from pain im happy coz i will see her very very soon.10:00 am we run to the hospital and we reach there 10:30am they check NST and they couldnt find heartbeat we try the other machine and still no heartbeat on nst. they check ultrasound no heartbeat i was on pain and and dont know what to do.. so they did emergency c section.. they try to revived her but shes gone.. my world stop.. i cuddle her kiss her toes, knees, shoulder,head, while singing.. i kiss her cold chick cold hands and cry ..i still cant believe and shes always on my mind every minutes every hour. if only i could turn back time. i will undergo c section few days back . its hard for me and my husband.
By Midwife @Tommys on 8 Nov 2017 - 12:19
Thank you for your post. You have been such a lovely Mum to your little girl singing to her every day and loving her in everything you did during your pregnancy. I cannot imagine the hell you and your husband are going through after losing her and having to recover from a caesarean as well.
I'm not sure where you live and whether you have an option for counselling when you are ready?
Many parents find it is a lifesaver to join a forum so that they can talk to other bereaved Parents about their experience and loss as they truly understand what you are going through.
You need to recover physically from your caesarean by taking care of yourself. Mentally this is going to be a very long and painful journey and you and your Husband need lots of love and support from friends and family. There is a lot of information that might be helpful to read through on our website. We are also here if you ever want to talk on 0800 0147 800.
With love and my sincere condolences
By Emily (not verified) on 22 Nov 2017 - 00:20
I am having a hard day. My story is extremely similar to yours, except one day sooner. My baby girl was born stillborn on Oct 21, one month ago today. I was 38 weeks and I too finally got pregnant after 4yrs of marriage l. I didn’t feel my sweet Avery moving much the day before, but then started having contractions early the next morning, so I thought everything was fine since people say that happens. But when I got to the hospital, she didn’t have a heartbeat. I am so sorry for your loss. It hurts so bad. Reading this website has made me understand that a lot of people have felt similar things, but it is still so hard. I hurt for my baby, myself, and all the people who have gone through this too. You will be in my thoughts. We will make it through this somehow.
By Midwife @Tommys on 22 Nov 2017 - 10:18
I am so sorry to here about little Avery- please know that you can call us or contact us if you need any support or advice. We are happy to help!
Please take good care of yourself and thank you for sharing your story with us and supporting others like yourself! Your'e a wonderful woman! Sending love! Sophie, Tommy's Midwife
By joby (not verified) on 30 Nov 2017 - 21:22
our story is really extremly similar.Its really hard and hurt.im sorry for your loss.every hour every minutes im thingking of my little ASYA .
By Anonymous (not verified) on 8 Jan 2018 - 15:00
My condition is too much similar to you, I was near to my expected delivery date and without any problem and went for regular checkup, nst and ultrasound shown less heartbeat, got ready for c-section , just before tha operation one more ultrasound was done just to watch the heartbeat but during the process my child’s heartbeat was gone, my baby girl was dead on 23 dec 2017, I am still not able to believe that it happened to me, I want want to go back and do the cesarean some days before .
By Midwife @Tommys on 10 Jan 2018 - 10:59
Hi there, i am so very sorry to hear about the passing of your daughter. Please do get in touch with us by email or phone if you need any support, advice or even just a friendly chat.
Thinking of you at this difficult time!
By Anonymous (not verified) on 1 Nov 2017 - 05:57
Hey how is everyone doing I lost my baby at 22 weeks my water broke on August 3rd n I had her on August 4 at 11:08 and she passed away at 12:08 I held her the whole time bc my doctor had already told me it was nothing they could do for her. I was told at 16 that I would never be able to have kids bc I have pcos but on may 17 I was told that I was pregnant n I found it in June that it was a girl I was so happy but when my water broke on August 3 my whole world went turning up side down I still think bout my little princess everyday I never imagined that I would have to go through this but it's a hard hard pill to swallow well thanks for reading
By Midwife @Tommys on 1 Nov 2017 - 09:12
Hi there. I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your little girl in Aug. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult that is for you and your family. Please do contact us if you need any further support from us. We can be reached by email and telephone. Thinking of you at this time and sending our love.
Sophie, Tommy's Midwife
By Childless mother (not verified) on 3 Oct 2017 - 05:26
I lost my daughter at 36 weeks . I was in labour for 3 days knowing that at the end of it all i had to say hello and goodbye to my beautiful girl all in one moment. I never imagined that on the day of my first childs birth i would be signing autopsy documents and planning cremation. How can anyone ever describe how this feels....? How can anyone ever fathom such pain, and know that they have to go home to a house that their baby will never come home to? I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare or like I must be watching someone elses life cause i couldnt understand how this was actually happening. I felt embarrassed, here i was so excited to be a mom...and now I am, but nobody else sees me as one. I felt as though i didnt even have the right to call myself a mother. It was such a whirlwind of emotions that at times i wasnt sure I had the strength (or will) to survive it. Its been 5 months since I lost my daughter, i think of her every day, and she will always have a huge piece of my heart. I take it one day at a time and never ignore my emotions because she deserves to be remembered, whether it be through laughter, tears, or moments of solidarity where I sit and try to grasp the reality of the situation. I carried her every second of her life and she will be with me every second of mine.
By Midwife @Tommys on 3 Oct 2017 - 10:50
your beautiful post is hard to read and I cannot imagine what you are going through. I hope in time you will feel the 'right to call yourself a Mother' as that is what you are and will always be to your baby Daughter. She truly does deserve to be remembered and you acknowledged as her Mom.
I include the link below to another Mum learning to live without her Daughter...
With love and healing
By A (not verified) on 16 Sep 2017 - 08:08
I lost my baby at 21 weeks. My husband and I went through infertility and finally got pregnant. Everything was perfect and normal until I went in to check the gender. I had an incompetent cervix and had to get a surgery to stitch my cervix and prevent from going into labor. We were very hopeful until a week later when I had a check up, they couldn't find a heartbeat. The pain still lingers until now. There are good and bad days. I have lost not just my baby but some friendships too. I feel that sometimes I have lost desire on the things that used to make me happy. I feel lost. I feel that everything fell apart and I don't know where to start putting the pieces of my life back. My faith is tainted with the fear of disappointment. Will I ever get pregnant again?
By Midwife @Tommys on 18 Sep 2017 - 12:34
Thank you for posting. I'm so sorry to learn of the loss of your precious baby at 21 weeks. I can only imagine the trauma and distress that you went through after finding out, the birth and death and the loss of this very loved child who you will never see grow up.
It is very normal to feel that you will never get past this. Your life has been forever changed and your grief is raw.
Please don't try to cope on your own there is support out there for you and your partner through the charity SANDS. Their website also provides help for your extended family and friends so that they can support you.
Please call them when you feel ready on 0207 436 5881 as the supporters on the helpline know what you are going through as they have been through a stillbirth too.
We are also here to listen and support you now and in the future at Tommy's either through our website or phone line 0800 0147 800.
With love at this tragic time
By Bean's mom (not verified) on 11 Sep 2017 - 06:45
I'm a breast cancer thriver, diagnosed at 33. We saved our embryos before treatment. We started plannin for surrogacy right away. We saved and planed for 2 years. At 22 weeks our surrogate went into preterm labor, and our precious baby was brought into the world. He had the most beautiful face I have ever seen. I have never felt so hopeless and out of control. I'm a pediatrician and I couldn't save him. He held on for an entire hour. He passed in my arms. My heart is broken forever. I call him by his nickname, Bean, because my husband didn't want to give him his given name since it was to be Scott after his father who r cently passes. I feel as if I will never heal. I'm only 35. It's too much heartache. I know my husband is hurting desperately too but I don't know if he knows what it feels like to be a mother, even for 55 minutes. It's as if a bell has been rung that can't be unrung. How can I move forward?
By Midwife @Tommys on 11 Sep 2017 - 11:09
I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your little love, Bean. There are no words to provide comfort to you having lost your son. I can only imagine that you and your partner are in deep grief and it is no surprise that you are both hurting desperately and yet unsure of how to help each other. These are very early days - please be gentle on yourself, you don't need to be strong, give yourself time to grieve the loss of your precious son.
Life will never be the same and you need support now more than ever.
You may already be familiar with SANDS but many staff in the charity have been affected personally by the loss of a baby. Perhaps joining a group may help you day to day. Consider some counselling to help you navigate these dark times.
We are also here to listen if you ever want to talk on 0800 0147 0800
By baby girl (not verified) on 21 Nov 2017 - 16:59
I never thought this would happen to me I lost my
baby saterday night 18 November 2017 at 9 pm I will not forget it I can't sleep or cry I don't know how to handle this I got other children to take of but I just don't feel happy at all please help
By Midwife @Tommys on 22 Nov 2017 - 10:23
Hi there. I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your baby last week. This must be so difficult for you to cope with- but i am sure that you are doing a wonderful job in caring for your other children too! Please know that you can call us on our pregnancyline or email us privately on [email protected]
Take care of yourself and we hope to hear from you if you feel that we can help you at this difficult time! Sending love and condolences, Sophie - Tommy's Midwife x
By Anonymous (not verified) on 24 Nov 2017 - 22:17
Hi just read your story , and I have no words because I am also the same I found out on the 18th of November this year that my son also had no heart beat :( it has been the most worse time of my life I gave birth to my son Monday and the pain is still so raw , I can’t explain jsut like your self , I also have children and a loving family that are being a great support however I feel like my dreams are shattered .... where do we go from here ? I guess we have to try and think positive for our children xx
By Midwife @Tommys on 27 Nov 2017 - 09:32
So so sorry to read this. It is always such a tragedy and Tommy's are determined to try to find more answers so that other women and their families don't have to go through this pain. I reiterate the response to the story you are commenting on and invite you to call us if it would help you. There is no time limit. We will be here when you are ready to call. Best wishes Amanda x
By Jayne (not verified) on 10 Sep 2017 - 02:20
When I lost my only child Gabriel on 28 December 2009, it completely devastated me, it was literally like being blown away. I have worked very hard over the years and re-built my self and my life, and have felt a lot of healing.
I find myself now being significantly triggered by three people around me being pregnant and due just one month after my sons death. I have had this happen quite a few times already but not for a long time. I feel angry about it because I feel I am being dragged into my pain and loss again and I really don't want to go there. Just when I thought I was in a solid emotional, mental and physical space, my wounds are opening up again.
I know I will get through it no matter how rocky it becomes I just wanted to share, thank you.
By Midwife @Tommys on 11 Sep 2017 - 11:19
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious son Gabriel. You describe so well how devastating losing your only child is and how long it takes to build your strength up again. I'm sure there will be many parents who have lost a child that will gain so much from you sharing your path to healing.
I am so sorry you are triggered again - your honesty is so needed, as women often find it hard to admit to these very human and normal reactions. We are here at Tommy's to listen and help if you ever want to talk or message us on 08000147800 or email us on [email protected]
By Anonymous (not verified) on 13 Sep 2017 - 20:32
2 weeks ago I lost my little girl to a stillbirth. I was 26weeks however they think she was 21 weeks form her size. I had an anteria placenta and despite me Saying I was worried as I hadn't really ever had movements I was told it was all normal and not to worry. I made a decision to have a private scan were they told me my baby had no heart beat. I gave birth held her made memories and said good bye, now her funeral is coming up I'm in two minds whether to go and see her again in the funeral home. I'm really unsure what to do I don't want to have any regrets but I know she would have changed as it has been 2 weeks.
By Midwife @Tommys on 14 Sep 2017 - 14:53
Hi, We are so sorry to hear of your loss and cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling at this time. Saying goodbye is a very hard thing for any mother to do and it is understandable that you want to do the right thing for yourself so that you can try and come to terms with your loss in your own way, in your own time.
You may find it helpful if you speak to one of the funeral directors who have been looking after her. They will be able to reassure you about her appearance. If you feel like you have said goodbye and seeing her will be too much then that's ok, you have to be comfortable with what you decide to do.
If you feel like you will regret it if you don't see her, then go and be with her, you can always change your mind and again this is ok as well. It is whatever you are comfortable with and what you feel is the right thing to do in your heart. Try and talk to your partner, family or friends but don't be pressured one way or the other, there is no right or wrong answer as long as you are happy with whatever decision you choose to do. If you feel like you need support, you can always contact the Tommy's Midwives on [email protected] or call us on 0800 0147 800 Monday to Friday 9am-5pm. We are here for you if you just need someone to talk to. Please take care, Tommy's Midwives x
By Mar (not verified) on 5 Sep 2017 - 05:33
Hello everyone I'm mar and lost my precious daughter at 37 weeks on July 11th 2017 . I can't describe the pain I have been through and the shock that this is even my life . I'm 24 and me and fiancé planned for this baby girl .. I thought no way could this be happening early that morning when they said they couldn't find a heartbeat .. I'm so young nothing I thought could go wrong but the life and air was ripped from my body when I knew I would deliver my child an angel .. Naomi is her name and everyday has been different since that day .. mostly I've tried to stay strong but just this week my facade is cracking And I'm losing my bearings .. I just can't understand why .. she was everything I ever wanted and will never have . I'm sitting here now 5 feet away from her nursery just crying .. these were supposed to be the best years of my life .. - Naomi's mom
By Midwife @Tommys on 5 Sep 2017 - 14:31
I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your little angel, Naomi. What a beautiful name you've given to her. There are no words to provide comfort to you having lost your firstborn. I can only imagine that you and her Dad are in deep grief and it is no surprise that your façade is cracking exactly 8 weeks after her loss. Life will never be the same and you need support now more than ever. You don't need to be strong, grieve the loss of your precious baby girl, it is normal that you should keep talking about her.
You may already be familiar with SANDS but many staff in the charity have been affected personally by the loss of a baby. Perhaps joining a group may help you day to day. Consider some counselling to help you navigate these dark times.
We are also here to listen if you ever want to talk on 0800 0147 0800
By Angels mom. (not verified) on 3 Oct 2017 - 05:37
Hi mama...my loss is so similar to yours i lst my daughter may 4th..at 36 weeks and she was my first child. My heart bleeds for you, and just know you are not alone, and one day you will be sitting 5 ft from that same nursery, listening to your second child sleep peacefully. Never give up on your dream, you deserve to be a mother and your daughter deserves to have siblings to carry on her legacy.
By Anonymous (not verified) on 31 Jul 2017 - 00:37
At 22 weeks I felt a decrease in my baby boys movemnts, I went to the hospital with an open mind that they was going to tell me his ok, his positioning is the reason I cannot feel his movements as much. I was completely and utterly broken to nothing when the Doppler revealed my worst nightmare my boy was gone...the emergency scan we had stays in my head, his life less body just there. I gave birth to him two days later and it had to be one of the most heart rendering moments of my life. I am broken beyond repair. His scan two weeks prior to this was perfect, he was perfect and born sleeping and perfect. I buried him last week and I'm still not in disbelief I am waiting for someone to pinch me or even say April fools although it's July but this is my reality. The only thing that keeps me going day to day is my three kids they need me. In God I trust but it still hurts the pain is like no other pain I have EVER felt.
By Midwife @Tommys on 31 Jul 2017 - 14:19
We are so very sorry for your loss. It is really raw for you at the moment and you can be sure that your beautifully written words will resonate with many of our readers. Take your time and when you are ready, there are people out there who can help ease your pain. Here at Tommy's we would welcome your call if you need to talk. 0800 0147 800 . Best wishes to you x
By Anonymous (not verified) on 15 Jul 2017 - 17:49
My pregnancy came to an abrupt end on the 3rd of July when my water broke from one of the boy's sac...Ididnot know what was happening and went to sleep...I only realised something was wrong on the third day when I began bleeding.. I rushed to the hospital only to be told he was ready to come out as his hand and placenta could be seen in my vigina...the second twin tried to hang on till the following sunday 9 July ...I lost both my boys and only found out it was due to fibroids. I feel i have let them down. They were perfectly healthy but my body could not keep them alive...wish I could have found out earlier about the condition and saved them. The pain is too much to bear...how do I move on from this? Im so lost and confused
By Midwife @Tommys on 17 Jul 2017 - 14:14
I am really sorry to hear this sad news. The loss of a baby is a truly devastating time. Please don't blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. Have you spoken to your GP? It may be that some counselling could help you to find a way to move on from this. Or you could call us on 0800 0147 800 when you are ready to talk about it.
All of our best wishes Tommy's midwives x
By Anonymous (not verified) on 4 May 2017 - 10:10
we lost our first little boy at 20 weeks just over 4 years ago. at the time it was the most traumatic thing I've even experienced to watch my wife deliver him, she was so brave, we both didn't want to see (the doctors said it would be upsetting because of the problem he had) and i remember lying across her holding her and saying "it's done, it's done", i suppose i was trying to protect her in my own daft way. She is my hero. We have had another little boy since which is just magical, but we never forget him, he has a name that only me and his mum know, there wasn't a funeral but we know the day he was cremated, and where his ashes are, he has a few little items in our house that only me and his mum know represent him, so he's with us all the time. I suppose my message to others is, The pain comes and goes and always will, and dad's can cry too, don't fight it if you think it will help, it does for me. I get some comfort from the pain now, it means although i never met him, i love him with all my heart, its crazy but sometimes i'll be in tears from nowhere and i find myself saying out loud "why are you hurting me today", n those are the moments i feel closest to him.