Coping with grief after the loss of a baby – for parents

Information and support for parents on coping with grief after having a stillborn baby.

We are so sorry for your loss, and saddened to know you are having to use this information. We hope you will find it useful, factual and take some of the stress out of your future weeks.

Coping with grief after a stillbirth is very personal but we wanted to share some of the feelings our supporters have experienced when grieving for their stillborn baby, in the hope it might help others. We know that for parents the intense grief after losing a baby can cause overwhelming, possibly frightening, emotional and physical reactions. You may feel life will never be normal again. Knowing more about how others experienced the grieving process may help.

For women, grief will be also be combined by the natural mood changes caused by the dropping hormone levels after having a baby. Remember to allow for this.

Maternal instinct

You might feel overwhelmed by maternal instinct and frightened by the intensity of these feelings.

‘It is such a powerful feeling and if this is your first child it can be very unsettling as you come to terms with the strength of the grief. But remember you are strong too.Lucie

‘I found a lot of comfort in washing and drying the clothes my son had worn when in the hospital – I understood later that this was an expression of my maternal instinct in wanting to care for him in any way I still could.’ Kathryn

'I remember just saying over and over again "I want her back". I would have given anything to go back to the hospital and hold her again. Or to kiss her cold little cheeks. We had the clothes we had dressed her in and they still smelt of her, so we had put them into a sealed bag to keep the smell, and we would take turns in opening the bag and sniffing them before quickly sealing it up again.' Heather (read more about Heather's experience here)

Some mothers describe wanting to dig up their baby’s body from the grave to cuddle them. Others talk about their arms aching to hold their baby. Any reaction you have to your loss is completely natural.

You may physically feel, hear or see things you can’t explain, like your baby kick inside you or the sound of a baby crying.

Day to day grieving

Many mothers said that after losing their baby they could not think straight and felt unable to make deci-sions. Grief can take over your mind and sometimes affect your short-term memory and you may find it difficult to remember things that have just happened.

‘In the immediate aftermath of losing Chloe, the thing that helped me the most was actually to isolate myself for a week. My husband and I requested no visitors. We checked in via text with our parents to let them know we were OK, but ultimately we just cocooned ourselves together at home. We needed to sit and cry and try to absorb what had happened.’ Heather

The immediate moments or days after their stillbirth are often described as a blur. It can leave you feeling in shock, numb and disconnected

Some mums felt they could not leave home and dreaded having to explain to an acquaintance where their baby was.

Many parents couldn’t face the idea of seeing other babies, and felt intense jealousy towards other parents.

Others decided to visit their antenatal group, which was often a distressing but positive experience.

'I was supposed to be a mother, what was I now? I’d already made plans for Christmases and birthdays. I’d imagined three little boys excitedly opening presents. I didn’t know who I was or who I was supposed to be. Pregnancy was focused on the outcome of being a mother. I had to create a new life and I no longer knew what I liked, wanted or needed.' Jo

Guilt and anger after a stillbirth

Many women feel they have failed as mothers. They feel responsible for what has happened because their body let them down and they didn’t give birth to a healthy baby.

It’s not unusual for bereaved parents, particularly mums, to become obsessed with their own, their partner’s or their other children’s health. Your own mortality can come to the fore – if a tiny baby can die so can anyone. This reaction usually fades with time – if it doesn’t and you are struggling to manage the anxiety, talk to your doctor or health visitor.

With time, some mums also feel guilty when they start to feel a little better, as if they’re not honouring their baby or ‘forgetting them’.

Anger is a very natural part of grief. Many parents direct this towards the hospital, and at other times to-wards friends and family. For some women it is a generalised anger at the undeservedness and injustice, ‘Why me?’

All the feelings we mention here are normal. However, if you start to worry about how you’re feeling, please try talking to your GP.

Fathers and coping with grief

The information on this page is for both parents, but it needs to be acknowledged that fathers can be for-gotten after a baby is stillborn. As everyone looks to the mother it’s easy to overlook the fact that men need time and space to grieve too. Men and women may grieve differently. With men expressing less emotion, it is easy to assume that ‘they are OK’.

Some men find it difficult to express their emotions and their feelings can get locked up. This can be misunderstood as indifference to the loss of their baby.

Many men take on the role of protector in the family; supporting their wife or partner and not allowing time for their own grief. It is not unusual for men to take on the practicalities and keep themselves busy.

You will both need time and space to grieve. This may happen after the funeral if there is one, or possibly many weeks later.

'I had to go back to work straight away. It was a good distraction. I ran a lot and I kept doing that. I signed up for marathons. Running got me away for a few hours at a time and gave me a way to switch off. I wasn’t right for at least six months after. I was functioning but I was on autopilot. I wasn’t myself. People might not have noticed too much.' Keith, who lost his son Owen at 38 weeks (Read Keith’s story here)

Read more about supporting each other as a couple. 

Getting help to cope from friends and family

Family and friends may want to rally around. Some parents will appreciate this, others might find it exhausting. This is a time to be honest about what you need.

Practical help can be invaluable, particularly in the early days when you’re recovering from the birth. If you have trusted friends or family and are able to cope with having them around these are things they can help with:

  • home cooked meals
  • filing and responding to messages of condolences
  • shopping
  • laundry
  • gardening
  • looking after other children.

For other women, however, keeping busy can be part of the healing process.

It might help to circulate our page on 'How to give support' to friends and family who want to know how they can help you.

After the birth

Most women, will agree that the emotional pain is infinitely more difficult to bear than the physical discomfort of giving birth. But don’t underestimate how your hormone levels rapidly change after the birth, and post-natal mood swings and tears are normal, regardless. These hormonal changes might make your grief even harder to cope with in the early weeks and months.

You will also have to cope with the physical effects of giving birth. You will bleed heavily for the first few days after the birth, you may have painful stitches or after-pains (as the uterus contracts back to its normal size). Your breasts will produce milk and this can lead to painful engorgement. Talk to your midwife about how to manage your milk coming in.

The physical side-effects of giving birth can be very difficult to cope with and it can feel like nature is play-ing a cruel trick on you.

Read more about coping with the physical effects of a stillbirth

‘For me one of the most awful things was my milk coming in. I was sadly unable to take any medication to stop it, so I was told to compress my breasts with tighter tops to try and stem the supply.’ Bethan

The hospital will tell your GP, community midwife and health visitor what has happened so they can offer you care and support once you are home.

If you haven’t heard from your GP within a few days, phone your surgery to arrange to see someone. You might want to ask your GP to put a note on your record so it is immediately obvious to anyone you deal with in future what has happened.

Although it may be difficult and heart-breaking, it is important to ensure you attend all your post-natal appointments. It might help to call your GP and find out in advance of appointments what will happen so you can prepare yourself.

Read more about postnatal care after a stillbirth

Physical grief

You may have physical reactions to your grief. Heart palpitations, shaking, chest pains, diarrhoea, butter-flies in your stomach and sickness are all common.

It is important to try to look after yourself after the birth. You may not feel like eating or drinking but you need to try to keep physically strong to cope with the emotional trauma.

Many women felt it was very difficult to leave the house, but if you feel able to do so, parents often report that once they went out they felt that being outdoors in the fresh air helped.

‘It's almost like I created a time capsule, which may be seen as unhealthy to some, but I find it so therapeutic. I spent a long time after the birth just sitting playing every minute of the labour and delivery and the following 12 hours over in my head because I didn't want to forget how I felt or what happened, as if I did start to forget it would mean I would also forget Chloe. I had to take that pressure off myself to stop my panic attacks, and so the memory box has really helped with that. When I do sit and look through it I am taken back to those feelings, and honestly sometimes I really need to just sit in that and feel it wash over me again. But then when I have had my time looking back through everything I can put it away and focus on my day to day life again.’ Heather (read more about Heather's experience here)

You may be more prone to viral infections, such as colds. You may feel physically exhausted.

Sleep may be difficult for a while. You might have vivid dreams and nightmares.

Do not hesitate to get in touch with your GP if you feel you need extra support with the physical effects of grieving.

‘I suffered from ptsd and nightmares for several months after my stillbirth. At night I would lie in bed reliving what had happened. I learnt to write my feelings down which acted as a release.' Bethan

'The grief was overwhelming. I suffered horrific nightmares, and although family and friends rallied around, nobody could penetrate the bubble of heart and gut wrenching ache. I learnt to ‘act’, to do the bare minimum to simply survive my daily routine.' Jo

Share your feelings

Talking to close and trusted family members or friends about your feelings and your experience can bring comfort.

Most mothers also felt that talking to other women who had experienced a stillbirth was very help-ful and reassured them that their feelings were normal. It can also make you feel less alone.

You may find that crying and talking about your baby are good ways of releasing feelings. You may want to tell your story over and over again. This is normal and you should follow this instinctive urge to talk as it helps you come to terms with what has happened. Don’t be afraid to mention the name of your baby who has died.

Other parents however find it hard to express their feelings or talk about their baby.

‘Sometimes you just don’t know where to start, or find it too hard or horrifically sad.’ Lucy

It might be helpful to write down what happened and how you feel each day. You may want to draw or paint, write a poem, keep a diary, create a web page, set up a blog or make a scrapbook.

SANDS, a stillbirth support charity, can put you in touch with other mums and dads who have had stillborn babies and will be happy to listen and talk.

Get support to help cope with the grief

A bereavement support officer or bereavement midwife may be able to help you with paperwork and funeral planning.

You might also be able to access bereavement counselling through your GP.

There is support out there, but it will differ depending on where you live. Sometimes you need to explore all your options to find the best one for you.

Knowing the difference between postnatal depression and grief

Some mums suffer with postnatal depression after a stillbirth. You might also show signs of post-traumatic stress disorder after the terrible ordeal you’ve been through. Talk to your GP if you are worried about your feelings and reactions.

The main symptoms of postnatal depression are very similar to the symptoms of grief so it is not easy to tell them apart. If you have had a previous mental health issue though you are more likely to suffer from postnatal depression so you or a close person should be on the lookout.

  • a persistent feeling of sadness and low mood
  • loss of interest in life, no longer enjoying things that used to give pleasure
  • lack of energy and feeling tired all the time.

Other symptoms can include:

  • disturbed sleep, such as having trouble sleeping during the night and then being sleepy during the day
  • difficulties with concentration and making decisions
  • low self-confidence
  • poor appetite or an increase in appetite (‘comfort eating’)
  • feeling very agitated or, alternatively, very apathetic (you can’t be bothered)
  • feelings of guilt and self-blame
  • •thinking about suicide and self-harming.

If, after about six months, you are still struggling to cope with everyday life, consider getting some professional help, which you can discuss with your GP.

More support

You can talk to our midwives on Tommy’s free PregnancyLine 0800 0147 800. Open 9-5, Monday to Friday. The midwives on the line have received training in bereavement care and welcome calls from parents who have lost a baby.

SANDS offers support to parents, families and friends affected by a baby’s death. You can call their helpline on 020 7436 5881 or email [email protected]

There is also an online forum where you can connect with other people who have lost a baby.

Saying Goodbye offers support, advice and a befriending service. You can also attend Saying Goodbye ceremonies across the country.

The Child Bereavement Trust has support groups, offers counselling and lots of online resources. They can help siblings through a bereavement.

TAMBA is the Twins and Multiple Births Association for support with losing a multiple birth baby.

Read more about stillbirth

Last reviewed on September 1st, 2017. Next review date September 1st, 2020.

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Comments

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 7 Nov 2017 - 21:17

    after 4 years of marriage i finally get pregant..i was so excited when we i found out im pregnant 6 weeks pregant.me and my husband so happy very excited and wishing we will have a baby girl. when we learn the gender “its a girl”we both so happy and excited to buy babies stuffs. i was so very careful on my foods . taking my vitamins on time eating healthy foods.. we never miss any check ups.. every morning im singing a song before we start our day .regular exercises. talking to her every minutes every hour..i cant wait to hold and cuddle her. i reach 38 weeks i never feel any contraction yet, except back pain and pelvic pain.. my little girl was so active when i entered 39 weeks almost every we are in the hospital checking her heartbeat , NST.. every thing was norma 39weeks and 5 days OCTOBER 22 2017..9am o start to feel the contraction and getting worse and pain every 10-15 minutes .im was so happy and cant wait to see her while siffering from pain im happy coz i will see her very very soon.10:00 am we run to the hospital and we reach there 10:30am they check NST and they couldnt find heartbeat we try the other machine and still no heartbeat on nst. they check ultrasound no heartbeat i was on pain and and dont know what to do.. so they did emergency c section.. they try to revived her but shes gone.. my world stop.. i cuddle her kiss her toes, knees, shoulder,head, while singing.. i kiss her cold chick cold hands and cry ..i still cant believe and shes always on my mind every minutes every hour. if only i could turn back time. i will undergo c section few days back . its hard for me and my husband.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 8 Nov 2017 - 12:19

    Hi,
    Thank you for your post. You have been such a lovely Mum to your little girl singing to her every day and loving her in everything you did during your pregnancy. I cannot imagine the hell you and your husband are going through after losing her and having to recover from a caesarean as well.
    I'm not sure where you live and whether you have an option for counselling when you are ready?
    Many parents find it is a lifesaver to join a forum so that they can talk to other bereaved Parents about their experience and loss as they truly understand what you are going through.
    https://sands.community/login
    You need to recover physically from your caesarean by taking care of yourself. Mentally this is going to be a very long and painful journey and you and your Husband need lots of love and support from friends and family. There is a lot of information that might be helpful to read through on our website. We are also here if you ever want to talk on 0800 0147 800.
    With love and my sincere condolences
    Anna-Tommy's Midwife

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 1 Nov 2017 - 05:57

    Hey how is everyone doing I lost my baby at 22 weeks my water broke on August 3rd n I had her on August 4 at 11:08 and she passed away at 12:08 I held her the whole time bc my doctor had already told me it was nothing they could do for her. I was told at 16 that I would never be able to have kids bc I have pcos but on may 17 I was told that I was pregnant n I found it in June that it was a girl I was so happy but when my water broke on August 3 my whole world went turning up side down I still think bout my little princess everyday I never imagined that I would have to go through this but it's a hard hard pill to swallow well thanks for reading

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 1 Nov 2017 - 09:12

    Hi there. I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your little girl in Aug. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult that is for you and your family. Please do contact us if you need any further support from us. We can be reached by email and telephone. Thinking of you at this time and sending our love.
    Sophie, Tommy's Midwife

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 3 Oct 2017 - 05:26

    I lost my daughter at 36 weeks . I was in labour for 3 days knowing that at the end of it all i had to say hello and goodbye to my beautiful girl all in one moment. I never imagined that on the day of my first childs birth i would be signing autopsy documents and planning cremation. How can anyone ever describe how this feels....? How can anyone ever fathom such pain, and know that they have to go home to a house that their baby will never come home to? I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare or like I must be watching someone elses life cause i couldnt understand how this was actually happening. I felt embarrassed, here i was so excited to be a mom...and now I am, but nobody else sees me as one. I felt as though i didnt even have the right to call myself a mother. It was such a whirlwind of emotions that at times i wasnt sure I had the strength (or will) to survive it. Its been 5 months since I lost my daughter, i think of her every day, and she will always have a huge piece of my heart. I take it one day at a time and never ignore my emotions because she deserves to be remembered, whether it be through laughter, tears, or moments of solidarity where I sit and try to grasp the reality of the situation. I carried her every second of her life and she will be with me every second of mine.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 3 Oct 2017 - 10:50

    Hello,
    your beautiful post is hard to read and I cannot imagine what you are going through. I hope in time you will feel the 'right to call yourself a Mother' as that is what you are and will always be to your baby Daughter. She truly does deserve to be remembered and you acknowledged as her Mom.
    I include the link below to another Mum learning to live without her Daughter...
    https://dear-orla.com/
    With love and healing
    Anna-Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 16 Sep 2017 - 08:08

    I lost my baby at 21 weeks. My husband and I went through infertility and finally got pregnant. Everything was perfect and normal until I went in to check the gender. I had an incompetent cervix and had to get a surgery to stitch my cervix and prevent from going into labor. We were very hopeful until a week later when I had a check up, they couldn't find a heartbeat. The pain still lingers until now. There are good and bad days. I have lost not just my baby but some friendships too. I feel that sometimes I have lost desire on the things that used to make me happy. I feel lost. I feel that everything fell apart and I don't know where to start putting the pieces of my life back. My faith is tainted with the fear of disappointment. Will I ever get pregnant again?

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 18 Sep 2017 - 12:34

    Thank you for posting. I'm so sorry to learn of the loss of your precious baby at 21 weeks. I can only imagine the trauma and distress that you went through after finding out, the birth and death and the loss of this very loved child who you will never see grow up.
    It is very normal to feel that you will never get past this. Your life has been forever changed and your grief is raw.
    Please don't try to cope on your own there is support out there for you and your partner through the charity SANDS. Their website also provides help for your extended family and friends so that they can support you.
    Please call them when you feel ready on 0207 436 5881 as the supporters on the helpline know what you are going through as they have been through a stillbirth too.
    We are also here to listen and support you now and in the future at Tommy's either through our website or phone line 0800 0147 800.
    With love at this tragic time
    Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 11 Sep 2017 - 06:45

    I'm a breast cancer thriver, diagnosed at 33. We saved our embryos before treatment. We started plannin for surrogacy right away. We saved and planed for 2 years. At 22 weeks our surrogate went into preterm labor, and our precious baby was brought into the world. He had the most beautiful face I have ever seen. I have never felt so hopeless and out of control. I'm a pediatrician and I couldn't save him. He held on for an entire hour. He passed in my arms. My heart is broken forever. I call him by his nickname, Bean, because my husband didn't want to give him his given name since it was to be Scott after his father who r cently passes. I feel as if I will never heal. I'm only 35. It's too much heartache. I know my husband is hurting desperately too but I don't know if he knows what it feels like to be a mother, even for 55 minutes. It's as if a bell has been rung that can't be unrung. How can I move forward?

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 11 Sep 2017 - 11:09

    I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your little love, Bean. There are no words to provide comfort to you having lost your son. I can only imagine that you and your partner are in deep grief and it is no surprise that you are both hurting desperately and yet unsure of how to help each other. These are very early days - please be gentle on yourself, you don't need to be strong, give yourself time to grieve the loss of your precious son.
    Life will never be the same and you need support now more than ever.
    You may already be familiar with SANDS but many staff in the charity have been affected personally by the loss of a baby. Perhaps joining a group may help you day to day. Consider some counselling to help you navigate these dark times.
    We are also here to listen if you ever want to talk on 0800 0147 0800
    https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/pregnancy-loss/stillbirth/coping-grief-after-loss-baby---parents
    With love,
    Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 10 Sep 2017 - 02:20

    When I lost my only child Gabriel on 28 December 2009, it completely devastated me, it was literally like being blown away. I have worked very hard over the years and re-built my self and my life, and have felt a lot of healing.

    I find myself now being significantly triggered by three people around me being pregnant and due just one month after my sons death. I have had this happen quite a few times already but not for a long time. I feel angry about it because I feel I am being dragged into my pain and loss again and I really don't want to go there. Just when I thought I was in a solid emotional, mental and physical space, my wounds are opening up again.

    I know I will get through it no matter how rocky it becomes I just wanted to share, thank you.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 11 Sep 2017 - 11:19

    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious son Gabriel. You describe so well how devastating losing your only child is and how long it takes to build your strength up again. I'm sure there will be many parents who have lost a child that will gain so much from you sharing your path to healing.
    I am so sorry you are triggered again - your honesty is so needed, as women often find it hard to admit to these very human and normal reactions. We are here at Tommy's to listen and help if you ever want to talk or message us on 08000147800 or email us on [email protected]
    with Love
    Tommy's midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 13 Sep 2017 - 20:32

    2 weeks ago I lost my little girl to a stillbirth. I was 26weeks however they think she was 21 weeks form her size. I had an anteria placenta and despite me Saying I was worried as I hadn't really ever had movements I was told it was all normal and not to worry. I made a decision to have a private scan were they told me my baby had no heart beat. I gave birth held her made memories and said good bye, now her funeral is coming up I'm in two minds whether to go and see her again in the funeral home. I'm really unsure what to do I don't want to have any regrets but I know she would have changed as it has been 2 weeks.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 14 Sep 2017 - 14:53

    Hi, We are so sorry to hear of your loss and cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling at this time. Saying goodbye is a very hard thing for any mother to do and it is understandable that you want to do the right thing for yourself so that you can try and come to terms with your loss in your own way, in your own time.
    You may find it helpful if you speak to one of the funeral directors who have been looking after her. They will be able to reassure you about her appearance. If you feel like you have said goodbye and seeing her will be too much then that's ok, you have to be comfortable with what you decide to do.
    If you feel like you will regret it if you don't see her, then go and be with her, you can always change your mind and again this is ok as well. It is whatever you are comfortable with and what you feel is the right thing to do in your heart. Try and talk to your partner, family or friends but don't be pressured one way or the other, there is no right or wrong answer as long as you are happy with whatever decision you choose to do. If you feel like you need support, you can always contact the Tommy's Midwives on [email protected] or call us on 0800 0147 800 Monday to Friday 9am-5pm. We are here for you if you just need someone to talk to. Please take care, Tommy's Midwives x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 5 Sep 2017 - 05:33

    Hello everyone I'm mar and lost my precious daughter at 37 weeks on July 11th 2017 . I can't describe the pain I have been through and the shock that this is even my life . I'm 24 and me and fiancé planned for this baby girl .. I thought no way could this be happening early that morning when they said they couldn't find a heartbeat .. I'm so young nothing I thought could go wrong but the life and air was ripped from my body when I knew I would deliver my child an angel .. Naomi is her name and everyday has been different since that day .. mostly I've tried to stay strong but just this week my facade is cracking And I'm losing my bearings .. I just can't understand why .. she was everything I ever wanted and will never have . I'm sitting here now 5 feet away from her nursery just crying .. these were supposed to be the best years of my life .. - Naomi's mom

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 5 Sep 2017 - 14:31

    Hello Mar,
    I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your little angel, Naomi. What a beautiful name you've given to her. There are no words to provide comfort to you having lost your firstborn. I can only imagine that you and her Dad are in deep grief and it is no surprise that your façade is cracking exactly 8 weeks after her loss. Life will never be the same and you need support now more than ever. You don't need to be strong, grieve the loss of your precious baby girl, it is normal that you should keep talking about her.
    You may already be familiar with SANDS but many staff in the charity have been affected personally by the loss of a baby. Perhaps joining a group may help you day to day. Consider some counselling to help you navigate these dark times.
    We are also here to listen if you ever want to talk on 0800 0147 0800
    https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/pregnancy-loss/stillbirth/coping-grief-after-loss-baby---parents
    With love,
    Anna-Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 3 Oct 2017 - 05:37

    Hi mama...my loss is so similar to yours i lst my daughter may 4th..at 36 weeks and she was my first child. My heart bleeds for you, and just know you are not alone, and one day you will be sitting 5 ft from that same nursery, listening to your second child sleep peacefully. Never give up on your dream, you deserve to be a mother and your daughter deserves to have siblings to carry on her legacy.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 31 Jul 2017 - 00:37

    At 22 weeks I felt a decrease in my baby boys movemnts, I went to the hospital with an open mind that they was going to tell me his ok, his positioning is the reason I cannot feel his movements as much. I was completely and utterly broken to nothing when the Doppler revealed my worst nightmare my boy was gone...the emergency scan we had stays in my head, his life less body just there. I gave birth to him two days later and it had to be one of the most heart rendering moments of my life. I am broken beyond repair. His scan two weeks prior to this was perfect, he was perfect and born sleeping and perfect. I buried him last week and I'm still not in disbelief I am waiting for someone to pinch me or even say April fools although it's July but this is my reality. The only thing that keeps me going day to day is my three kids they need me. In God I trust but it still hurts the pain is like no other pain I have EVER felt.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 31 Jul 2017 - 14:19

    We are so very sorry for your loss. It is really raw for you at the moment and you can be sure that your beautifully written words will resonate with many of our readers. Take your time and when you are ready, there are people out there who can help ease your pain. Here at Tommy's we would welcome your call if you need to talk. 0800 0147 800 . Best wishes to you x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 15 Jul 2017 - 17:49

    My pregnancy came to an abrupt end on the 3rd of July when my water broke from one of the boy's sac...Ididnot know what was happening and went to sleep...I only realised something was wrong on the third day when I began bleeding.. I rushed to the hospital only to be told he was ready to come out as his hand and placenta could be seen in my vigina...the second twin tried to hang on till the following sunday 9 July ...I lost both my boys and only found out it was due to fibroids. I feel i have let them down. They were perfectly healthy but my body could not keep them alive...wish I could have found out earlier about the condition and saved them. The pain is too much to bear...how do I move on from this? Im so lost and confused

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 17 Jul 2017 - 14:14

    I am really sorry to hear this sad news. The loss of a baby is a truly devastating time. Please don't blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. Have you spoken to your GP? It may be that some counselling could help you to find a way to move on from this. Or you could call us on 0800 0147 800 when you are ready to talk about it.
    All of our best wishes Tommy's midwives x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 4 May 2017 - 10:10

    we lost our first little boy at 20 weeks just over 4 years ago. at the time it was the most traumatic thing I've even experienced to watch my wife deliver him, she was so brave, we both didn't want to see (the doctors said it would be upsetting because of the problem he had) and i remember lying across her holding her and saying "it's done, it's done", i suppose i was trying to protect her in my own daft way. She is my hero. We have had another little boy since which is just magical, but we never forget him, he has a name that only me and his mum know, there wasn't a funeral but we know the day he was cremated, and where his ashes are, he has a few little items in our house that only me and his mum know represent him, so he's with us all the time. I suppose my message to others is, The pain comes and goes and always will, and dad's can cry too, don't fight it if you think it will help, it does for me. I get some comfort from the pain now, it means although i never met him, i love him with all my heart, its crazy but sometimes i'll be in tears from nowhere and i find myself saying out loud "why are you hurting me today", n those are the moments i feel closest to him.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 4 May 2017 - 15:03

    By Midwife @Tommys on 4 May 2017 - 14:33

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us and our readers. I am really moved by your story and how you have coped in your own way. I am sure that others will understand your message and those affected today or in the future will gain some comfort from your words. We would like to highlight your message on our site and request your permission to do so. We would be grateful if you could get back to us at [email protected] as we don't keep information on any of our contributors to this page for data protection. Very many thanks Tommys midwives x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 28 Apr 2017 - 17:55

    yesterday at 9:00 am they delivered my stillborn grandson, I did not get to see or hold him, and just typing this it is so hard for me to hold back the tears and emotions that have been running through me. I could not even finish reading the posts above because it felt like it was ripping my heart out. It has been only one day, I cannot imagine the rest of my life feeling this pain, but I am afraid I will, and what really scares me is how my son and his girlfriend feel, and how am I going to help them if it is so hard for me.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 2 May 2017 - 11:57

    Dear John,
    What awful news to hear about your Grandson. The loss of a baby is always tragic but the impact is felt on so many levels for each family member. You are grieving for your son and his girlfriend as well as the baby they have lost. You would do anything to protect them from this, being a Parent yourself and yet you have this fear about how you can support them when you are so lost.
    This grief is so raw and intense, even functioning on a basic level seems overwhelming. Please know that you are not alone as you can see from reading the other posts.
    Take advice from others who have experienced such a devastating family tragedy and know what it means to lose a baby. SANDS have lots of support online, there is a forum and helpline run by people who have been personally affected on
    0808 164 3332.
    We are always here to listen and provide any support that we can now and in the future @ tommys.org
    With love to you and your Family.
    Anna-Tommy's Midwife

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 4 May 2017 - 23:46

    My daughter suffered the loss of a baby twice. Little graceson was born two soon 2 years ago due to blood clots in the placenta. The specialists assured her it would be ok and strongly advised her to get pregnant again but it happened again in march this year . My daughter is devastated and can not cope with the grief it's all to much. What can I do ??????????

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 8 May 2017 - 09:57

    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandsons and the grief your family are going through.
    The loss of a baby is always tragic but the impact is felt on so many levels for each family member. You are grieving for your daughter as well as the babies they have lost. You would do anything to protect them from this, being a Parent yourself and yet you have this fear about how you can support them when you are so lost. Just by being there for your daughter and talking about this loss can help.
    This grief is so raw and intense, even functioning on a basic level seems overwhelming. Please know that you are not alone as you can see from reading the other posts.
    Take advice from others who have experienced such a devastating family tragedy and know what it means to lose a baby. SANDS have lots of support online, there is a forum and helpline run by people who have been personally affected on
    0808 164 3332. This support is available to all family members, not just parents so please do not hesitate to contact them.
    I hope that your daughter has been able to meet with the specialists to discuss the reasons why this has happened again and also to plan care for the next pregnancy.
    She should be under the care of an obstetrician, and have regular scans and check-ups to check the baby's growth and that the placenta is working normally. Other tests may also be recommended to find out of she has any underlying problems with blood clotting
    They may possibly recommend also that she takes some medication to help thin the blood; she may be asked to start taking this from early pregnancy. She should also be made aware of what signs to look out for that might indicate a problem and when to contact her maternity unit .
    Please do not hesitate to contact us again for further information or you can call us on Tommy's PregnancyLine-
    0800 0147 800

    Marianne-Tommy's Midwife

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 26 Apr 2017 - 09:53

    Hello,
    there are no words to express how terribly sad it is to hear your news about your little baby girl. I am so sorry and I hope that you have support around you at this awful time.
    Please know we are hear to listen always and that SANDS provide support in a variety of ways. You can call them on 0207 463 5881.
    With love
    Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 13 Apr 2017 - 20:48

    Hi.surely the pain is unbearable.my son waz nw 3 months old.he waz very heathy al along until 1 nyt he stated crying til he died in the moning.i dont no how to deal with this

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 18 Apr 2017 - 09:26

    We are so sorry to read about your perfect baby boy and really hope that you have got some support and love around you. Please feel that you can contact us on 0800 0147 800 if you would like to talk. We are here to support you. Best wishes x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 24 Apr 2017 - 17:59

    It is so painful.i just buried my little baby today.she was 8mnths in my belly.im not even sure that il be able to sleep

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 20 Jul 2017 - 11:10

    Hi..i had a stillbirth also on the 18th of April she was 8 months, she was and still is my sweet little girl and i miss her so much...every day is a painful day for me i relate to what you are going through

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 11 Aug 2017 - 15:34

    i still cannot cope up with my loss. Everything was perfect.. she was all normal. the only problem before was my placenta previa which later on progressed well on the last term. I was already scheduled for a final check this Aug. 11 before I give birth this Sept. I lost my baby last July 26. i was able to hold her in my arms, she was so beautiful.. I am still trying to understand why this things happen. my heart is still mourning every single day.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 3 Apr 2017 - 01:53

    On 8/2/2017, I went into labour at 41 weeks, lost the strength to push her out on my own when she was almost out. Hours later an emergency cs was done and the doctors found out my uterus had ruptured. N baby suffered from lack of oxygen. Cos of the severe bleeding, my uterus was removed. I became conscious after 3 days. Life has not been easy at all. Don't even feel hungry any more. I begged my husband to show me pictures of the little Angel n seeing the pictures have worsened my grief. She was sooo beautiful n all I feel now is anger with the hospital for my loss. I pray I get over this pain.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 3 Apr 2017 - 09:13

    Hi Grace, i am ever so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I would suggest that once you feel ready,and if you feel that it would be useful for you in processing your grief, to make an appointment with a senior midwife or obstetric consultant at your local hospital to go through your history and try to understand how this has happened.
    Please take good care of yourself.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 6 Jul 2017 - 17:36

    My son passed away last year, exactlly 19.07.16, I am really sorry for your loss and pain. I can imagine how you feel, endless headache, no feeling hungry, need to toilet, just extreme stress and pain. I hugging you in my mind and cry with you. I will pray for you aswell. With time probably you will be able to control these feelings, and kind of normal life will back. But inside this is life-challenging event and will be never forgotten. I am with you Grace in mind and heart
    God bless you poor, strong woman, if you will need talk about your daughter, there is my email [email protected]

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 28 Mar 2017 - 21:08

    hi I'm EstÉlle,it was ju§t 11 moÑths ago I had 3 boys,Ðad in hÉaven borrowed mÝ last born he needed a pair of tiny hands Urgently I couldn't really refuse u know the feeling,honestly the very first moment I look at my baby I knew something was gona happen but 4 sum reason I didn't think is was gona be dis,he was 2.08 in the 3 days I had him he didn't open his eyes and nvr used 2 move just slept still,use to drink very little milk,the hos sed he had a heart prob after he was he was called back to one........... 3 days after he was born he was called back to heaven.The moment I heard my sister scream I knew he was gone,in the first 5 months I was on sleeping tabz day and nyt,as time went I had to face facts and put my faith in2 action my jesus is alive,as time go's it gets harder, nÉxt month he wud hav entered one on earth but jesus wanted a kingly party for our angel boy,mummy'z prince,till we meet again in the clouds of glory at the pearly gates of heaven,to all u mothers stay strong we know what pain is and we can over come anything thru jesus that lives inside u and me 4 ever and ever be blessed

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 29 Mar 2017 - 11:54

    Dear Estelle,
    thank you for sharing your story of your little boy. It is good to hear that you are finding comfort in your faith. If you ever need to talk we are here to listen.
    Warmest wishes,
    Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 2 Mar 2017 - 19:28

    Mine wasn't exactly a still birth, but I lost my two boys at 20 weeks from Chorioamnionitis (a bacterial infection surrounding the amniotic fluid).
    My firstborn Joshua passed away a couple hours before giving birth and my second son Hayden survived three hours after birth and died in my arms. It was the hardest thing begging the doctors to save my baby boys knowing they couldn't do anything for them. I also tried so hard to hold them in but the fact that I had the infection was not only pushing them out but killing me as well. How I even got pregnant was a miracle since I was told I could never have children and I got blessed with twins. My husband and I were so excited at the chance to be parents not only to one baby, but to two precious boys. We are now so heartbroken that we lost our two beautiful sons last week. We also have the stereotypical different ways of mourning. I'm more weepy and want to talk about them, and he's more standoff-ish and likes to get out with friends to work passed it. I know he's having a hard time since he cries in his sleep. I'm hoping and waiting that time heals the pain. And I wish everyone else who has gone through this peace as well.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 3 Mar 2017 - 15:37

    I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful twin boys. It is such a sad story and you have our deepest sympathy. There is no 'right' way to grieve and each of you must find your own path. We wish you all the best for the future. Tommy's midwives

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 1 Mar 2017 - 13:43

    Hello,
    Thank you for sharing your story I am so incredibly sorry to hear that your newborn baby boy died in December. The pain you must be feeling is unimaginable and part of your grieving process means that you blame yourself to some extent for his death. I hope that you are able to find support through family, friends and perhaps some counselling. As you can see from posts from other Mothers here support is vital to surviving this devastating trauma. SANDS have a helpline 0207 436 5881 as well as online forums where you can get support from other parents who are also struggling with the loss of a baby. We are also here to listen on 0800 0147 800 there is a midwife 9-5 pm weekdays.
    Thinking of you with love
    Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 27 Feb 2017 - 21:13

    Hi , your comments really help, I v lost my new born baby boy with fetal distressed on 2 December 2016 it was my fast born, the worst part I did heard him cry I couldn't hold him cz they had 2 rush him in icu , I just wish the was something I could have done 2 save him sometimes I blame myself , I'm struggling 2 live with this pain but it is very hard. Just wish I dd hv a choice I would hv let him live n me die, I loved him so much

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 7 Mar 2017 - 14:23

    Hi

    I am so sorry for your loss. My story is similar accept it's my 4th child. Had premature rupture of membranes at 34 weeks. Got induced a couple of hours later. When he was born I heard him cry and then they rushed him to NICU, he had birth Asphexia or lack of oxygen. Fast,forward 5 days and lots of machines and meds later he bled out and passed away. It's now been 8days since he died and I range from being angry as hell with the hospital to blaming myself. We only got to hold him for a few hours he died. I doubt I will ever get over this loss, the pain is so bad.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 26 Aug 2017 - 00:47

    I'm so sorry for your loss I also heard my baby girl cry and could not hold her.I get so overwhelmed with pain at times I can't breath .I keep hoping to wake up nd my pain will go away. And I also wish my baby had lived nd I had died.its just an ongoing pain.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 29 Aug 2017 - 13:17

    Dear Bantu,
    There are no words to comfort you after the loss of your little girl. I am so sorry that you are left heartbroken and hope that you can gain some support from family, friends and other bereaved Parents who are reliving this nightmare daily.
    You are not alone but you do need to reach out to get support that you desperately need. You might also consider counselling through your GP. The links below may help also.
    https://dear-orla.com/
    4louis.co.uk/
    and I hope you have also heard about SANDS?
    We are also here to listen if you need to talk on 0800 0147 800
    Thinking of you
    Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 1 Feb 2017 - 14:30

    I was told on my due date 37 days ago my baby boy was gone it's so hard at times the memories of having him and being so scared to hold my beautiful perfect baby haunt me just now, I feel like an alien here like I need to be else where with him but my 5 year old holds me here to remind me I'm still needed.. how do you proses all these emotions everyday I just don't know how to be or feel normal anymore

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 2 Feb 2017 - 12:16

    We are so sorry to read about your perfect baby boy and really hope that you have got some support and love around you. Please feel that you can contact us on 0800 0147 800 if you would like to talk. We are here to support you. Best wishes x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 15 Mar 2017 - 15:47

    I lost my 2nd son at 37 weeks and did not believe the news I had faith that once I delivered him he would be alive. There is no way to process the emotions you have. We can only cope with how we are feeling that day. You are not alone I was in your shoes 5 years ago and reading your post brings back the pain. Reflect on your baby, cherish those memories and understand you are not in this alone.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 16 Mar 2017 - 09:49

    We are so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you ever so much for sharing your story though, it really does bring comfort to others experiencing the same loss and grief.
    Please take good care of yourself.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 5 Oct 2017 - 04:23

    I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter also passed away on her due date, July 10, 2017. I gave birth to her two days later. She was our first born. I wish I knew the answers on how to cope. It is so very hard.

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