We all grieve differently and this can be difficult for couples when their baby dies. Most relationships come under pressure with the loss of a loved one and the overwhelming grief after the death of a child can drive couples apart as much as it can bring them together.
Your grief can blind you to your partner’s pain, especially if they have different ways of dealing with the grief. Your partner might want to go back to work, while you cannot even get out of bed. You might cry all the time, while your partner has barely shed a tear. These different physical and emotional responses can cause huge tension.
Some mothers find it difficult to handle their partner’s lack of tears and visible distress. It is easy to misinterpret this as them caring less or feeling less. Try to respect these differences and not read too much into them.
On the other hand some women may be disturbed to see their partner cry or sob uncontrollably if this is something they have never done before.
All of the above are normal and yet only scratch the surface. Remember to be kind to each other and never expect too much. Communication is key, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
"If one of you needs to talk more than the other, talk to your friends. Some days will be harder but that leaves the fact that some days will be easier."
Lucy, who lost her son Jude at 41 weeks (Read Lucy's story here)
"My husband felt the need to be strong for me and thought it was important to encourage me to match this by trying to focus on the future and carry on. I found it hard to see this as grief at all. Ultimately, after pushing our marriage to the very brink, we were able to find a way to be more understanding of each way of grieving and support each other to become stronger as a married couple."
Sarah, who lost her son Tristan at 38 weeks (Read Sarah's story here)
"I went to my sons memory box about a month after his death and noticed things had been moved. I was upset, until I realised it my husband had done it. It wasn’t MY sons memory box it was OUR son’s memory box. It showed me that he was hurting too and we were on the same page. It opened my mind to his feelings."
Lucy, who lost her son Jude at 41 weeks (Read Lucy's story here)
Read more about coping with grief here
Going back to work
It’s usually the father who goes back to work first. This is often a difficult time for both the mother and father. You may feel abandoned and that your partner has ‘moved on’ and forgotten about the baby.
Your partner may feel he cannot cope with the extra stress of work but has no other option. He may resent the time off you’ve been allowed in which to grieve.
There will be better days and it can be hard to see your partner returning to work and carrying on as normal.
Just because life goes on and you have to get back to your normal routine, doesn’t mean the grief stops. Allow yourself time at the weekends and in the evenings to grieve.
"At Rhianna’s funeral, I completely leaned on Mr L. I didn’t think about who he leaned on. His daughter died too. He wiped his tears, to let mine flow. He stood up tall, to stop me falling. He smiled his smile, while mine died away. He told people, when I had nothing to say…He just kept me going, making sure I was strong enough. Strong enough for every moment, every hour, every day. He never ever asked for help. But his daughter died too. His baby died too. He lost his baby. Not just me. His heart was and is broken too. So if there is any advice I can give anyone who has a friend or a family member who has lost their baby, it is one thing, and one thing only…Don’t forget the daddies, they lost their baby too."
Kerry, who lost her baby Rhianna Lily at 28 weeks (Read Kerry’s story here)
Read more about going back to work after a stillbirth here.
Sex and intimacy
Intimacy is hard to get right in any circumstances, and knowing how to read someone is a skill. After the loss of a child reading each others’ moods can become so much harder as you can crave comfort but not sex. These feelings will come back though. Be kind to each other.
It is not unusual to have some sexual problems in the relationship in the first few months. Again, everyone is different. One of you might have a strong desire to have sex, as a way to comfort and show your love for your partner, while the other may have no desire at all.
Try to talk about how you feel. Bereavement is usually associated with a depressed feeling that diminishes the libido for a while. It might return at different times for you.
Sex and pregnancy are inextricably linked. You may feel terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again. Likewise sex may become very mechanical in the desire to fall pregnant as quickly as possible. Be aware of these possibilities, and be open and honest.
Sex after any pregnancy, whatever the outcome, is different. A woman’s body changes and you’ll need to recover from the physical effects of the pregnancy and the delivery.
If, after a few months, you find problems between you aren’t resolving, seek help. Some couples find a few sessions with a professional counsellor very helpful.
Read more about trying for another baby here.
Read more about being pregnant again here.
Be kind to each other
The most important thing is to be kind, gentle and patient. Try to understand that your partner is not you and although you’re sharing this grief, you will feel it in different ways.
Think about talking to people outside your relationship so that they can offer you support, perhaps in different ways.
One of our supporters used her blog as a way to express some of her feelings. It meant she could show posts to her partner, without voicing some of the more difficult emotions and give him the time and space to understand how she was feeling, before reacting. It helped them a lot. Sometimes talking and sharing is all you need – someone to simply listen to you and not try to fix the problem.
When the initial period of the funeral and activity is over, don’t forget to continue to be kind and forgiving. The grief will not go away, and being patient and understanding with each other through it will bring you closer instead of letting it push you further apart.
"The best advice we had from our bereavement midwife very early on was to be kind to each other. And I think that really helped us to cope. We did grieve in different ways and often found that when one person was feeling very sad the other was feeling a little stronger on that day."
Kathryn, who lost her son Arthur at 36 weeks (taken with permission from the book, ‘Life After Stillbirth’ by Sarah Smith)
If after a while, you are struggling to understand each other and resolve tensions, consider talking to a professional about it.
The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can help you find the right professional, or call 01455 883300. Or contact RELATE on 0300 100 1234 for face-to-face, telephone or online couples counselling.