I want a baby, not a rainbow

Despite what people say I'm not thankful this happened at an early stage, it seems like little consolation to know I can get pregnant.

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#misCOURAGE story, 29/03/2017, by Sally

I have wanted to be a mum my whole life. I am well behaved though and got myself an education and a career first.

I lost my fertile 20s to loving a narcissist. I thought he was exciting, but I was mistaken.

I was looking for love again in my 30s, but something had shifted and the single men all seemed to be single for good reason. I was 35 when I finally met my husband and I thought this was just in the nick of fertile time.

I was 37 when I had my missed miscarriage - how did my body miss that?

And how could the NHS seriously hand me a leaflet entitled "Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception".

I didn't choose that option, I went for option two which was "Medical Management of Miscarriage" - it sounded less cold and offered me some element of control.

That's what I thought, but in the end it didn't as my body appears to be immune to the suppositories they got me to stuff up my lady bits.

After 14 hours in a hospital bed with no pains and nothing to catch in their grey toilet pans, I went home and miscarried a couple of days later when I was out for a walk with my parents and two year old nephew.

My world had collapsed and I desperately wanted to be pregnant again.

It took weeks to get a negative pregnancy test after my miscarriage and each time I hoped to see just one line instead of two, I marvelled at how rapidly desires can change.

After I got it, I reverted to willing two lines to form and after nine long months (and an appointment with the infertility clinic who told me I'm old and need IVF) I got a positive result.

Sadly this pregnancy also ended after seven weeks, both times I've seen a heartbeat and both times that beat has stopped. This time at least my body realised what had happened and acted without medical intervention.

I got one line on my test after a week and I'm now waiting for two again.

I'm sad but hopeful.

Despite what people say I'm not thankful this happened at an early stage, it seems like little consolation to know I can get pregnant and I'm not arsed that the infertility consultant says I no longer qualify for IVF.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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