I'd never heard of TFMR before it happened to me

Emily and Tom’s pregnancy with daughter Willow ended in loss when they had to make the heartbreaking decision to have a TFMR. Emily reflects on her experience, and how she wants to help others going through TFMR in future.

2 under 2  

My partner Tom and I have been together for 7 years, and have a daughter, Pippa.  

My pregnancy with Pippa was standard - I had a lot of nausea throughout and was tired all the time, all the ‘normal’ symptoms.

I was overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant again, although a little nervous at the thought of having 2 under 2. But, we’d always planned on having children close in age, which is why we decided to start trying when our daughter was around 8 months.  

A gut feeling  

My second pregnancy was much like my first. But, one thing I will say is that I felt like something was different, almost a gut feeling from very early on that it wasn’t going to end well.  

It’s hard to explain, but I think I knew deep down something wasn’t quite right.”

Our initial 12-week screening tests showed I had low PAPP-A blood results, which can be associated with pre-eclampsia and intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR). I was reassured this is common and could be controlled with aspirin and regular growth scans.  

A high-risk pregnancy

Our 20-week scan revealed our baby had severe IUGR. We were told there was a small chance our baby would make it full term, and if she did, a strong possibility there would be complications at birth and long-term health implications.  

The scan also found multiple hematomas on the placenta. This, coupled with my history of high blood pressure later in pregnancy put me at high risk of developing pre-eclampsia.  

A difficult and complex situation

Due to these being such serious concerns, we were given the option of TFMR. This was an incredibly difficult and complex situation we found ourselves in.  

Ultimately, we made our decision based on the expert information and the best interests of our baby and us as a family.”

I was admitted to hospital a few days later to start the induction process. We spent most of our time on the bereavement ward, surrounded by an incredible team of midwives and support workers. However due my blood loss, I had to deliver our baby on the delivery suite.  

Our beautiful daughter

After a lengthy induction process and 7 hours of labour, Willow finally arrived sleeping at 5:34 on 27.11.23.  

We saw her shortly after I had given birth. We were both very nervous about seeing her but felt a sense of comfort once we had. Tom then did the memory box activities with her, but I couldn’t face doing this.  

We had a little service with the hospital chaplain the following day, which is when I spent time with her properly. We’re so thankful we were able to spend some precious time with Willow, and will cherish those memories forever.  

Willow's footprints

Finding support

I do feel as though there’s a lack of knowledge and understanding around the subject of TFMR. It wasn’t something I had ever heard of before it happened to me. Thankfully I have now found a lot of support networks, but at the time it felt pretty lonely.    

This type of baby loss doesn’t seem to be talked about as much. which brings feelings of shame and guilt for those who are going through it.”

I found the resources on the Tommy's website were easy to digest and therefore invaluable in helping me to understand what I'd been through. The personal accounts shared by others have also made me feel less alone.

Life after loss

Tom had some of Willow’s ashes added to the ink of a tattoo he had in honour of Willow, and I wear a necklace with her handprint on, so we always feel like she’s with us.  

Our eldest daughter Pippa has been our biggest ray of sunshine, and we feel so lucky to have her because she has kept us going. I have recently started counselling sessions which I’m hoping will help me to process what we’ve been through.    

At some stage in the future, I hope to use our experience to help others going through TFMR or baby loss, whether that be volunteering with a charity or training as a baby loss counsellor.  

My advice for others

My advice for anyone else going through a similar experience would be:  be kind and gentle with yourself. Remember you’re not alone, there is a whole network of people out there who have been through similar experiences so don't be afraid to reach out.  

You’re likely to feel a lot of guilt too, but remember that any heartbreaking decision you have to make is filled with so much love.