By Leanne Hurstfield
When I first got pregnant I couldn't believe it. Me and my partner were so excited. Everything was perfect, the scans, the tests, everything. Then the 20 week scan came....we were so eager to know the sex of the baby but it wasn't to go as we'd planned. It was then we were told there was no heartbeat. No warning signs no issues nothing just a woman telling me my world had caved in.I still can't remember the next few days clearly but I do know I had my rock Mark beside me all the way.
I later gave birth to my angel boy two days later. The hospital staff were amazing and they truly went above and beyond to support us. But it's a wound that has never healed. When dealing with the hospital I was heartbroken to be told the baby had to be called baby Lee as I was unmarried and my hospital notes had to match up. It was then my partner and I decided to get married and we chose our angel Alexander's due date. So there we were one year later getting married and starting a new chapter in our lives.
The following year I was surprised to find out I was pregnant again. Things had been rough the past few years and although me and my husband were happy we were never the same as we had been. This pregnancy was more watched over and I had even more tests which all were perfect as before.
I was a nervous wreck but that changed when I had my first scan.
Lightning never strikes in the same place twice right....wrong. We were told there were issues with the baby which could lead to trouble later on so we were advised to have an amniocentesis. The doctors were amazing and rushed me in to have it done two days after my scan as results took two weeks and I was so close to 24 weeks. Sadly again without warning I went into hospital to find out the baby's heart had stopped beating. Again my husband had to support me while I gave birth to a child that we would never know. My second angel born Calum was buried with his brother on my my birthday. Since then I have had tests done on me,my husband and my beautiful boys and to no use. The doctors cannot find any reason for our losses...even the babies show no reason why their hearts stopped. They have tested our family tree to see if there are any family issues but nothing.....no one in our immidiate family has suffered any form of miscarriage or stillbirth.
It has been almost 4 years since losing Alex and 2 years since losing Calum and there is not a moment I don't think about them and miss them but I am thankful to for the moments I had and the feeling I had. I am a mother and my husband is a father it's just our babies are not with us anymore. Who knows what the future my bring and what will happen next, all I know is that I am so lucky to have the people I have in my life and my life my not be perfect but it's mine and I'm going to live it the best I know how.
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