It all started at our first 12 week scan, our world just came tumbling down around us. The sonographer left the room to get a second opinion and in that instant we knew something was wrong.
There our baby was, our tiny little peanut looking baby on the screen in front of us that had stopped developing at about 7 weeks.
Being so oblivious as to what had happened the sonographer explained we had had a missed miscarriage. I just remember breaking down and forever apologising to my partner, I could not stop crying and asking why! Why were we so unaware that this could happen.
We were in the hospital for what felt like forever being taken to EPAU to discuss our options and having to walk past the labour ward was torture knowing that this pregnancy wasn't going to be ending in there with a baby in our arms.
A week later we went in for me to have surgery, again we were so unaware of why this was happening, we spent the whole week crying over and over, my eyes were so sore and I was dreading the potential pain that was coming.
For months I just felt empty and went into a really dark place where at the time I just didn't know if I would be myself again and to this day I still don't think I fully am, there's this big hole that will never be filled.
We started to gain more information about miscarriage, once you've had one all you can think about is this going to happen again, and it's now happened another 3 times.
It really doesn't get any easier each time but I guess time is a healer and you learn to deal with it better maybe even differently as you just don't want to give up hope.
After the 3rd miscarriage we were able to start investigating as to why this was happening and until anyone gets to this point every woman blames herself, what did I do wrong, should I have eaten that, did I over do it at work so many questions go through your mind and it is so sad that couples have to go through this heartbreak 3 times before any questions will be answered.
After investigation it turned out that there is a chromosome issue with myself and my partner is given the all clear. This instantly made me feel so guilty that it's a part of me that is causing these miscarriages and nothing can be helped to change this.
It's partly a relief that you know you've got to the bottom of the underlying issue as it eats you up until you start getting answers.
I am constantly being reminded it's not my fault and my boyfriend couldn't be any more supportive but it's just how you feel, you're a woman and you believe that you should be able to carry a baby and everything will be okay.
We continued to gain information and have had genetics counselling which at the moment is the only thing giving us hope and it really helps speaking to someone that really knows what they are talking about and someone that will actually be real with you, not just tell you everything will be okay, least it happened sooner rather than later, least your young, these comments just burn into you.
We know that we have lower chances of having a happy, healthy pregnancy but if you were told you had a 1 in 3 chance of winning the lottery you would take those odds any day. All we can do is hope for the best and keep taking our chances but why should anyone feel that having a baby is a luck of the draw, it's just so unfair.
Still to this day only very close family know about our pregnancies and miscarriages as it's such a hard topic to talk about but why should it be?
Each miscarriage we have gone through has been a different experience with different feelings, emotions and management and the worst part of it is that I have to plan how to have my miscarriages, I just want to be able to plan my birth, or to even get to 12 weeks would be a huge milestone.
With each miscarriage I've found myself consoling in different people that I never thought I would, it's not exactly the first thing that pops into conversation but I have found that there are so many other women in either your circle of friends or work place that have been through the same thing and people that do have success stories which does bring you hope.
For now we will just have to keep hoping that our miracle baby will come along and turn our lives around and get us back to that feeling with our first pregnancy where we could enjoy it and be happy being pregnant knowing it won't end in devastation but a healthy baby.
I have found myself turning to the internet for lots of information and to seek out other people that have been through the same thing, I then stumbled across Tommy's and it's really encouraging to see real stories and real people doing noticeable things to help people understand and recognise that miscarriage shouldn't be such a taboo topic and get people talking about miscarriage.
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