Parenting after loss means entering a tug of war between fear and trust

A dad talking about parenting after loss… not something you will come across very often, but an important reflection to share.

My name is Raj, in April 2020 me and my wife welcomed a beautiful little boy, Riaan, into the world. Riaan very sadly and unexpectedly passed away in November 2020, aged 7 months. I have shared my experience of baby loss, from the perspective of a father, previously. I now want to share the next part of my journey with you, which is parenting after loss.

In October 2023, we were blessed with another little baby boy, Ari. For a long time, after losing Riaan, I wondered whether or not we would be fortunate enough to give Riaan a sibling; we experienced a miscarriage and failed fertility rounds, but I always had hope and, despite the difficulties, something inside me always felt like Riaan wanted a little brother or sister – and now, he is here.

Worrying about reminders

When we found out we were pregnant, I found myself thinking about whether or not I had a preference as to whether we would have a boy or a girl. If we had another boy, I would want to dress him in a similar way with football themed baby grows, cool hoodies, matching trainers to mine etc – and if I did this, would I just have constant reminders of everything that I lost with Riaan? 

Would it make me sad to see my boy wearing the things that Riaan never got a chance to? How would I even feel about him wearing Riaan’s stuff, or playing with his toys? 

So, in that sense, would it be ‘easier’ if we had a girl, because it would be a different experience. In hindsight, I probably over thought this because now when I see Ari wearing his big brother’s clothes, I get a sense of warmth, it makes me feel like Riaan is close and is happy sharing his stuff – but, at the time, these were the thoughts that went round and round in my head.

Losing your innocence as a parent

I also wondered how I would be as a dad, to Ari. Despite the circumstances of Riaan’s birth (born during Covid with health conditions), I always felt very confident with him, me and him had a bond that I just cannot explain. Then, when I lost him, a part of me felt (and still feel) like I let him down. I am his dad, and I could not save him. I know how irrational that sounds, in my head I know that there was nothing more that I could have done, but there will always be a part of my heart that questions it. I never want that doubt to impact my parenting style or confidence with Ari, but it is impossible to silence those thoughts all the time.

There will always be the fear of ‘what if it happens again.’ When the worst thing imaginable has happened to you, you take nothing for granted, you lose your innocence as to the natural order of life and you lose your naivety. 

But you cannot let fear dictate how you live your life and how you raise your child – so you enter this tug of war between fear and trust. The fear of ‘what if it happens again’ vs the trust that, if there is anyone on this planet that is in a position to keep your baby safe, that it is you. 

And that is hard, when you have experienced this type of loss, and you put yourself in a position where there is a chance of it happening again, your anxiety levels are heightened, and you question every cough, sneeze and bump and these fears can very easily dictate the way you parent.

The complex emotions of parenting after loss

The other daily tug of war is the one between happiness and sadness. The happiness of holding a living baby in your arms vs the sadness of not being able to hold the baby you lost. 

Sometimes I look at Ari playing, and it fills me happiness, and then all of a sudden, all I can think about is how much I wish Riaan were there next to him, playing with him – and just like that, a moment of happiness turns to a moment of sadness.

But this is only natural, the day will never come where I will be able to say that I have accepted the fact that my baby died, even just typing those words breaks me. What drives me is the belief that Riaan handpicked his little brother for us, and so he would want me to shower Ari with love and affection. Over the years I have learned to accept that it is ok to feel sad and that, it is possible for the two contrasting emotions to live side by side – yes, it is exhausting, but this is my reality. 

I have two baby boys, both of whom I love with everything I have, one I can no longer physically hold and that I will forever grieve, but still forever love.

Navigating this experience as a dad

As a dad it can be difficult to express feelings of anxiousness, fear and guilt when it comes to your children in general, let alone parenting after loss; and I will hold my hands up to this, before writing this I don’t think I have ever vocalised the range of emotions I have felt since Ari arrived – and that is why I wanted to write this, to show that it is completely normal. Me missing Riaan does not take anything away from the love I have for Ari, and vice versa.

Ari’s arrival does not soften Riaan’s loss, in any way – babies do not replace babies. 

Of course, I love Ari with everything I have, and his birth is a moment I will never forget, but parenting through loss is such a complex rollercoaster, daily highs and lows, moments of happiness followed by moments of guilt. There is no right or wrong way to approach this, you just have to allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel, set your boundaries to create your levels of comfort.