Come October 13th 2016 my 3rd baby would of been 2 (I have two older boys,9 and 4) this along with March 8th 2014 are dates that I will never forget and dates that I think about most days!
Me and boyfriend had been trying for a girl for a while and when we got pregnant we were simply over the moon, I was beaming!!
I've always been a careful pregnant woman...always watching what I ate etc and on the 6th of March at 9 weeks I started to have light bleeding, I put it down as a normal pregnancy problem and carried on with daily life..
Over the next 24 hours the bleeding intensified and I went to A&E where I was told it's a normal pregnancy thing and not to worry, with no pains I figured the doctors knew best!
The next day however was a different story, late afternoon I got this sudden sharp pain in my side...something I knew wasn't right and my the time I'd made it to hospital I'd bled right through to my trousers.
I consider myself to have a high pain threshold but the pain was so bad I couldn't stand and I was seen straight away. The doctor poked around and very blunty said "yea you are losing your baby, your womb is filled with blood" I just cried!
I couldn't talk, my partner couldn't talk or comfort me...in that moment I felt guilty! knowing I'd be careful but not knowing why this could possibly be happening I couldn't feel anything else!
What happened next was simply the worst time of my life! I was put up onto the maternity ward where I was left to sit in the corridor for FIVE hours while new mums and their babies walked about!
My partner had to ask FOUR times for me to get pain medicine and I had to sit on my jacket to stop the blood leaking through to the chair. For five hours my Terry tried his hardest to comfort me but nothing helped!
When the doctor eventually came we went into a room and she scanned me and said that the foetus was loose and she literally stopped my baby out and put it in one of those grey container things. I was told that there was so much blood that I'd need an operation to remove "pregnancy debris"
I was put in a room and left there until the following morning...the doctor came and said she'd get me in asap so I could go home and left me again, when she came back the second time she said "there's a little boy that has came in with a broken arm and we are going to operate on him because there isn't much we can do for you."
The rest needs no story line, as soon as I was brought up from recovery I packed my stuff and I left!! Me and my partner went home and I had a long bath where I just listened to my music and cried.
No one in my family or friend circle have been through this and I got a lot of 'it wasn't meant to be ' 'you can try again when you are ready' 'sure you were only 9 weeks' and not a lot of how are you? do want to talk?
I in no way resent them for that...they just don't understand that no matter what happened or how pregnant I was, to me it was a proper baby...my baby and now they were gone!
I cried and got angry a lot the following few months...that kind of sorrow faded but the sadness and me missing my baby or feeling sad for what I went through never goes away!
Seeing pregnant people and new babies killed me and as soon as we were ready we tried again and this time we got our girl and she is perfection!
Every anniversary when I'm having a bit of a shit time someone has said "sure you have grace now" like it doesn't matter.
While I adore my daughter I still wanted, needed and miss my 3rd baby!
I find it incredibly hard to not talk about it but a lot of people don't understand or want to talk about it and I have found that talking to a professional really helped me accept what happened!!
I am so incredibly happy in my life now with my beautiful children...my little grace will always be my rainbow baby but my forever angel will never be forgotten and I will love he or she just as much as I love the rest of my children...
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