#misCOURAGE story, 20/04/2017, by Kat
I don't know why, but I had a gut instinct something was going to go wrong with my pregnancy. After the initial elation of the positive pregnancy test, all I did was worry. Whenever I went to the toilet I'd expect blood. This never happened.
I didn't have any morning sickness, which struck me as odd considering my mother was horrendously ill with my brother and I. My only symptoms throughout my pregnancy were sore and larger breasts and exhaustion.
The day before my 12 week scan I had very very light brown discharge in the morning. I didn't think much about it as it was brown - reading google you need to worry if you're cramping and bleeding, which I'd had neither of. I didn't get any more brown discharge until later that evening, it had got slightly darker and I started to worry as this is how my periods start.
We went to the scan the next day for 2pm and I just couldn't make out anything on the screen. The sonographer was clicking buttons and moving the wand around a lot.
Then she said the words that crushed me and my partner: "Oh, I'm so sorry, it's not good news".
Even though I'd felt something wasn't right, you can't get this far without any issues and it not be ok, right?!
Another sonographer came in to verify her findings and as expected, she agreed. I've never cried like it, I didn't expect to be so outwardly emotional. Thank god my partner was and is an amazing support.
My notes were taken off me (to be destroyed no doubt) and I was taken through the scan waiting room and through to a room in the early pregnancy unit.
This was just cruel, the worst 'walk of shame' you can imagine - why can't there be a separate door or another room away from women with healthy bumps and crying newborns???
We sat in a room for what seemed forever. A kind nurse spoke to us and explained what has happened - a missed/silent miscarriage. My baby had died at 10 weeks but my body didn't let go - I was still experiencing the mild symptoms that I'd had.
We were offered to miscarry naturally, which may have been a few more weeks, or elect for surgical management later in the week.
I chose to go for surgery as I didn't want to be 'pregnant' for longer than necessary. I wanted it out, but part of me wanted to hold onto it forever - it was a strange feeling.
I started having light bleeding 2 days after the scan and had nasty cramps at times, but obviously wasn't a full miscarriage so still went for the surgery.
The staff at the short surgical unit stage were very kind and the procedure was very simple and straightforward. I'm so glad I had this rather than naturally miscarrying which would have been much more traumatic.
Later in the week, my 'expected' cramps/pain weren't subsiding - every time I coughed, sneezed, went to the loo, I would have horrible pain and pressure in (what felt like) my uterus.
I went to the doctors who examined my stomach area and she confirmed an infection and put me on two sets of antibiotics for a week. Surely having a glass of wine would be my consolation after the rubbish that we'd been through, but that was on hold! Typical :)
I was extremely emotional about things for a couple of weeks, randomly crying at moments for no particular reason, or for the one reason I had to cry.
During our pregnancy, we tried to not get too excited but you can't help but build an idea in your head of what there future will be like with your baby. Which room will be the nursery, is it a boy or a girl, how will you tell your friends and family, will you take a full year off work, what NCT group will you join.
The grief is the loss of not only your little bean, but the loss of what was to come.
It is a very bizarre experience - my partner and I didn't know what to do. How do we react, what is normal? I guess there is no normal, but the 'hush-hush' of miscarriage needs to evolve - so many friends, even family, have come out saying 'that happened to me too'.
It's a huge, traumatic moment, so why isn't it spoken about more, especially as it appears to happen so often?
I'm sorry this is a rambling post but it has felt very therapeutic.
It's been 3 weeks since my scan and I couldn't have written this any sooner, it would have been too hard. Two weeks ago I couldn't actually see how I'd get through this, but by getting back to work and focusing on our next steps on our baby journey, I am getting on and feeling good and positive.
Big love to everyone who has the misfortune of going through this - we are not alone and we need to talk! #misCOURAGE
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer