I was so naive, having already had three children , all boys. I never thought it would happen to me. I went to my 12 week scan and everything was fine. I came out relieved and happy and ready to start enjoying my pregnancy after suffering horrible morning sickness.
I'd never had the need to know the sex of any of my babies before I had them but on the 22nd July 2011 at 17 weeks pregnant I had this overwhelming urge to have a gender scan, I rang a private scan clinic and got an appointment that afternoon.
As soon as the sonographer started scanning me I knew something was wrong - then she said those words that ring in my mind all the time "I'm very sorry there is no heartbeat "
Everything just stopped and I went straight into shock. I was sent to hospital where I was kept in over the weekend and 3 days after finding out my baby had died I gave birth to her on the hospital labour ward.
The whole time in the hospital I couldn't believe it. I'd had no bleeding, cramping or anything and had only heard her heartbeat a couple days earlier at a midwife appointment.
The midwives at the hospital were lovely apart from one who treated me like I was over reacting for being upset and even went as far to ask me if I wanted to sit in the chapel to wallow over it.
The next few weeks were awful, I couldn't eat, sleep or see any time in the future that I'd feel any different.
Nearly 5 years on I've gone on to have another healthy baby, another boy who arrived nearly a year to the day of my miscarriage. It was a worrying time but the whole pregnancy was text book.
We never got any answers about what happened or why. All the tests came back normal which is one of the hardest things to deal with - not knowing why.
Everyday Life now is pretty much back to normal but loosing my daughter is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I think of her everyday. I wonder what she'd look like, what her favourite colour would be and all the things we'd of done together.
Miscarriage is devastating not just for us women going through it but the whole family. We are all closer than ever now and none of us will ever forget xx
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