#misCOURAGE story, 02/03/2017, by Helen
My husband and I were so excited to find out we were expecting a baby, we had talked for years about wanting a family once we were married, and now early in married life it was finally our turn.
I had awful morning sickness in the first trimester, I was sick every morning on the drive to work, and often has to walk out of a class I was teaching to be sick.
While I obviously did not enjoy feeling so ill, it was reassuring to think that it probably meant everything was going ok because at least it suggested my hormones were increasing.
Feeling so ill, it made it difficult to hide from close friends and family, so we told parents just before Christmas and my grandparents and siblings on Christmas Day. We were so excited, and by this point were 10 weeks pregnant.
I'm a twin so there was lots of excited chatting wondering if I was pregnant with twins or a single. My brother and sister both have an under-1 so offers of baby equipment were made and we had a travel system lined up.
There was no sign to suggest anything was wrong, no spotting, no cramping- nothing.
Finally the day of our scan came, it was a little late at 14 weeks, but we weren't overly concerned so just went with it.
On the day of our scan we were so excited to see our baby, husband and I had been talking to baby each night for months, husband has been kissing my belly telling baby how excited he was to meet it, and here we were about to see our baby for the first time.
We went into the scanning room and o laid on the bed, the lady started scanning my tummy and straight away I knew something was wrong. The sac was huge- the size it should be, but there was no obvious baby.
The scan woman said something about having a good look around, but I remember thinking 'shouldn't the baby be obvious?!'.
She eventually zoomed in on the baby, it was so tiny, and I couldn't see a heartbeat- not that I knew what I was looking for. My husband knew something was wrong, he reached out for me, both of us waiting for the lady to say something.
Eventually them awful words 'I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat'. How could our baby, the baby we had so many exciting plans for its future for, have died? It made no sense what so ever.
Baby was measuring 8 weeks while the sac was measuring correctly at 14 weeks. I asked the lady if there is any chance our dates could be wrong, already knowing the answer in my heart. We left the hospital with a referral a few days later to an early pregnancy unit to have another scan to confirm the awful news.
My husband phoned my work to say I wouldn't be coming back, and then we drove in our separate cars home, I don't know how I managed to do that journey.
We got home and just cried- the last time we were at home we had been excited about baby, not here we were having found our baby had died and all we had to show was a scan photo. How different this day should have been.
My husband phoned both our parents, it was heartbreaking listening to him have to tell them each in turn. I spoke to my Dad later, and he said they had been quietly hoping for twins, as had we. The phone calls and texts we made that day are the most heartbreaking and recasting calls of my life.
We went to our second scan afew days later and they confirmed that baby had died. I was booked in for an operation the following Friday- 5 days ago now.
This is the most awful time in my husbands and my life, but it has made me realise how lucky I am to have my husband- he has been my rock though all of this.
I have also found out unfortunately how common miscarriage is, talking to other members of staff at work, other people have shared their experiences with me. Yet why is it such a taboo to talk about?
I have found that a lot of people just do not 'get' what we are going through, it's not just the loss of our baby that we need to grieve, but also the realisation that our future plans are never going to come to fruition, at least not with this baby, and we wanted THIS baby.
Yes I'm sure that hopefully there will be another baby at some point in the future, but that will not stop us loving this baby.
How are we going to be anything less that scares the next time we are lucky enough to get that positive test result? There was no sign anything was wrong this time- no amount of reassurance in the next pregnancy will let us forget that.
We loved this baby. We wanted this baby. There will always be a special place in my heart for this baby.
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