Story of #miscourage by Nikita,
December 2016, this is when we decided to grow our family, to make our son Leo a big brother.
It didn't take long, a month later that blue line appeared strong on the test, and the excitement overwhelmed me, I couldn't hold it in I wanted to scream it to the world, we were having a baby!
I was around 4 weeks so early days, however the time started to fly by and we was coming up to our first scan and I was so excited to see our little dot for the first time, only a week before I had started spotting and something told me it wasn't right.
I'd booked an appointment at the early pregnancy unit and the next day I went in for my scan, I was alone as it was such short notice but never the less I assured myself it would be OK, how wrong I was.
After being told there was no heartbeat I completely crumbled, apart of me didn't even believe it and couldn't digest what had just happened and the other part of me was already going into meltdown.
I left the hospital with nothing by leaflets on what was to come next and days later our baby passed, nothing could have prepared me for that and I was distraught.
A few weeks later I decided it was time to try again, losing a baby for me just made me realise how badly I wanted to give Leo a little sibling.
To my surprise 8 weeks later I got that blue line again, that blue line kept me going, that blue line helped me see the light and I could finally smile again.
Our little blue line grew quickly and it was hard to keep it a secret but I did this time I couldn't risk it.
12 weeks went by quickly and in we went for our first scan, I was SO nervous and when we were finally called in, I laid down and there on the screen was our big beautiful bouncing baby, with the strongest heartbeat!
We left that room beaming! I was so so excited and we ran home to tell our families and show Leo his siblings first picture! Safe to say he was excited he was going to become a big brother.
I thought we were finally going to be okay and our little rainbow baby was going to be joining us in February 17.. I was very wrong, and nothing had prepared me for what was about to happen.
A week later I felt a few sharp pains and along with it because intense heavy bleeding, I went from work straight to a&e as the early pregnancy unit was closed, I waited for around 6 hours before I was told there was no doctor available to see me and they would unlikely scan me anyway and I was sent home.
I didn't sleep at all and the next morning I went to the EPU and anxiously awaited for a scan, I kept telling myself I wasn't that lucky that this was happening all over again.. but I was wrong, they our baby was still bouncing still going strong, I had a subchorionic hematoma.
The relief I felt, the tears I cried, I couldn't believe our baby was OK!
I was told it was so common and it would most likely self absorb or would come out at birth, either way I couldn't care I just wanted my baby to be ok, i knew it was going to be a scary 6 months ahead but I was so ready for this baby!
As I was now in the second trimester I was told there was only a 1% chance I would lose my baby, and with those odds I was so hopeful, however again I was wrong.
A few weeks later I went for another scan and to see the doctor our baby was beaming and the heartbeat was strong, he told me I would be scanned regularly and I would be ok!
Little did I no the next day it felt like my water had broke and the rest happened so fast, a few hours later I felt a strange urge and without warning I gave birth to our beautiful little baby at 15 weeks. It was the most traumatic time of my life, it took 15 minutes for me to give birth to the placenta, I was devastated to say the least.
I made frantic phone calls and everyone arrived to my house 10 minutes later, and that was it, our baby was gone. He was a beautiful little boy, he had 10 fingers 10 toes and the cutest button nose.
After wrapping him up and taking him to the hospital I laid in that hospital bed and sobbed, there are no words to describe how much pain I was going through.
I left that hospital with nothing but a little white box and the memories of my little boy.
Leo named his little brother, Jake. And a piece of my heart will forever be missing.
I hope one day I will be able to come out of this dark tunnel I am in, but right now we are just trying to get by 1 day at a time.
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