My husband and I had been trying to have a baby for just a few short months. It was in October when we saw those two little lines, a positive pregnancy test! Grinning from ear to ear, we just gazed at the test in anticipation for our future. This week was one of our greatest weeks of our lives and one of our most challenging.
At the end of the week, sharp pain began shooting through my tummy and I knew it was not going to be good. Our hearts sunk as we learned that our baby had passed away. Only a few weeks old, one teeny tiny baby that was never born changed our world. We were reassured that sometimes this just happens and that it is very common. We just began praying and tried to give this to God. Just a month later we were consumed with joy when we saw those two pink lines for a second time!
Things were looking great, feeling great, and we even got to share with family that we were expecting! I was further along than the first time and I started to move past my fears.
Then in January the unthinkable happened, in what felt like the longest day of my life.
I was taken to the emergency room and quickly, extensive test were completed. The doctor walked in the room with a sympathetic look on his face, he sat down and took a deep breath in. The doctor confirmed our worst fear, we lost this baby too. In the weeks to come, I began to be mad at God and mad at myself. I was grieving the loss of our baby and my husband was too.
I wish I could say it has gotten much easier but the months since have been filled with painful, invasive tests and procedures. Truly, our family and closest friends have been so supportive, I'm not sure we could be going through this without them. With good intentions, people will ask "When are you and your husband having kids?", I always pause and think "If only they knew..."
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