#misCOURAGE story, 12/05/2017, by Annalisa
I am 32 years old, I had two early miscarriages, one medical termination and two months ago I had my third miscarriage and I am totally lost in my battle to get pregnant and bring to the world the child I have been dreaming about since I was little.
I am Italian and I have been raised catholic, I grew up with the idea that abortion is totally wrong and totally selfish, and I had to do it myself, and it has been the worst decision I will ever have to make in my life.
My baby boy wasn’t going to be healthy, he had a rare condition that happens randomly at conception one every 18,000, and of course it has happened to me.
I never wanted to get rid of my baby, but after weeks between the first diagnosis at 11 weeks and the final confirmation at 17 weeks after the amniocentesis I had to do it, and I had to deliver my baby boy at 18 weeks, the worst thing I have ever done.
It was a cold afternoon on Tuesday 13th December 2017, after going through 5 days and nearly 3 cycles of tablets to induce me.
The moment of the termination plays in my mind every night when I go to bed, like I broken DVD I can’t stop.
My counsellor tells me that I am battling my own demons because despite I know I did the right thing because of my beliefs I crossed my own line and I deep down I simply can’t accept my own actions.
Life seemed to move on in the right direction when in March I found out I was pregnant again, what a joy, only three months after that terrible and unforgettable moment, but unfortunately my joy lasted only one week, as at the 6 weeks mark I started to bleed heavily and I knew it, another child was lost.
The following days passed feeling empty and my constant thought was that my baby boy was punishing me for what I have done to him and I probably deserved it.
Nightmares started to come in through the night, friendship started to get broken, how come my friends were only telling me: surely you can get IVF no can’t you?
It’s not the IVF, I can clearly fall pregnant but somehow I am not holding it despite all the possible tests have been carried (privately and very costly), my husband had children before and he has been tested too so even if I wanted I couldn’t get IVF on the NHS, but why can’t my friend understand that I am grieving, not one not two but four lost pregnancies?
If God forbid, someone will lose a father, a mother, a brother or whoever, would you tell that person: Can you just replace that person with someone else? Of course not, but how come people don’t understand the grieve that a woman experiences with a miscarriage or let alone, with multiple ones?
I am writing this today because on the 13th may 2017 I am not sure how I am going to be and feel. The 13th May is my due date of my baby son which I aborted.
I feel terrible, I feel empty and I wish I could just press the reset button on my brain but I haven’t got one unfortunately.
Maybe women who contact Tommy’s wouldn’t appreciate my story but I am here anyway to tell the world how I feel, how hard my life is and how hopeful I am every month on the hope that my period won’t come, and then the disappointed comes in.
And as you go out for a walk with the dog to clear your head what do you see? A pregnant woman walking past you, or a mum with a baby in a pram…do you think they will sense what I am going through? Will they forgive me for thinking the worst of them in that moment I see them? Do they feel my envy and desperation to be just like them?
Life is just not fair.
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