Nightmares started to come in through the night, friendship started to get broken

How come my friends were only telling me: surely you can get IVF no can’t you?

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#misCOURAGE story, 12/05/2017, by Annalisa

I am 32 years old, I had two early miscarriages, one medical termination and two months ago I had my third miscarriage and I am totally lost in my battle to get pregnant and bring to the world the child I have been dreaming about since I was little.

I am Italian and I have been raised catholic, I grew up with the idea that abortion is totally wrong and totally selfish, and I had to do it myself, and it has been the worst decision I will ever have to make in my life.

My baby boy wasn’t going to be healthy, he had a rare condition that happens randomly at conception one every 18,000, and of course it has happened to me.

I never wanted to get rid of my baby, but after weeks between the first diagnosis at 11 weeks and the final confirmation at 17 weeks after the amniocentesis I had to do it, and I had to deliver my baby boy at 18 weeks, the worst thing I have ever done.

It was a cold afternoon on Tuesday 13th December 2017, after going through 5 days and nearly 3 cycles of tablets to induce me.

The moment of the termination plays in my mind every night when I go to bed, like I broken DVD I can’t stop.

My counsellor tells me that I am battling my own demons because despite I know I did the right thing because of my beliefs I crossed my own line and I deep down I simply can’t accept my own actions.

Life seemed to move on in the right direction when in March I found out I was pregnant again, what a joy, only three months after that terrible and unforgettable moment, but unfortunately my joy lasted only one week, as at the 6 weeks mark I started to bleed heavily and I knew it, another child was lost.

The following days passed feeling empty and my constant thought was that my baby boy was punishing me for what I have done to him and I probably deserved it.

Nightmares started to come in through the night, friendship started to get broken, how come my friends were only telling me: surely you can get IVF no can’t you? 

It’s not the IVF, I can clearly fall pregnant but somehow I am not holding it despite all the possible tests have been carried (privately and very costly), my husband had children before and he has been tested too so even if I wanted I couldn’t get IVF on the NHS, but why can’t my friend understand that I am grieving, not one not two but four lost pregnancies?

If God forbid, someone will lose a father, a mother, a brother or whoever, would you tell that person: Can you just replace that person with someone else? Of course not, but how come people don’t understand the grieve that a woman experiences with a miscarriage or let alone, with multiple ones?

I am writing this today because on the 13th may 2017 I am not sure how I am going to be and feel. The 13th May is my due date of my baby son which I aborted.

I feel terrible, I feel empty and I wish I could just press the reset button on my brain but I haven’t got one unfortunately.

Maybe women who contact Tommy’s wouldn’t appreciate my story but I am here anyway to tell the world how I feel, how hard my life is and how hopeful I am every month on the hope that my period won’t come, and then the disappointed comes in.

And as you go out for a walk with the dog to clear your head what do you see? A pregnant woman walking past you, or a mum with a baby in a pram…do you think they will sense what I am going through? Will they forgive me for thinking the worst of them in that moment I see them? Do they feel my envy and desperation to be just like them?

Life is just not fair.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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