It took me a couple of weeks to decide to share my story in this way. But I feel that it's about time to let others know that miscarriage is something that has been put aside for far too long....with the victims being left in deafening silence in the corner.
I had my miscarriage last year in February. I was on a train home from work at around 7pm when I felt sharp pains in my tummy and then I felt that my trousers were wet.
I was bleeding. Ashamed, worried and panicking about what is going on with my 5 week old baby inside me, I took the first cab I saw and got myself to A&E.
I got there and somehow I knew that it was too late. Still I was hoping that it wasn't. I came to the next available staff in A&E to tell them what happened and I was told to sit on a chair and wait to be called in by a nurse to see a doctor.
My trousers where messy with blood and my tummy was still hurting. I cried silently in that little corner where they've put me to wait. I waited for 3 hours for someone to call me. By the time someone has called me to take my bloods...the pain was gone and the blood on my trousers where drying up....I knew my baby was gone.
I've left a mess on the chair and I was so embarrassed. After they took my bloods and cannulated me...the nurse told me to go back to where I was waiting before and wait for someone to call me to see a doctor. I went to sit back on that same chair. I decided to go to the toilet and tried to clean myself up.
I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself what I did wrong. My eyes were puffy from crying.
I took a load of tissue to suck up the blood that was coming out of me and tried to clean up my underwear. When I came out of the toilet...I asked the nurse if I was called but her reply was no. I waited and waited then my fiancé came and held me tight. He kindly brought me clean change of clothes and I went to change my trousers.
Never in my life have I ever felt so embarrassed and so alone.
When the nurse called out my name to say that the doctor was ready to see me...they scanned me and then the doctor came in. He told me that I had a miscarriage. I asked why and all he said was that it happens a lot through the early stages of pregnancy and that it's normal thing to happen for the first few tries.
And that I was only 5 weeks pregnant and it's not a baby yet. It was still a size of bean or a grape. How can he say that it wasn't a baby yet when it's my little baby! How can I be pregnant and not call it my baby because of how old it is and how early in stage I was in my pregnancy? How is it not a baby when there was a heart beat?
I have suffered depression after that event. There are some things that you wish you could forget. But they remain embedded in your mind and heart.
Miscarriage is more than losing one little life that did not get the chance to meet it's mum and dad....unfortunately, miscarriage can cause someone (the mother of the father) to lose their mind and themselves. I'm a witness to that. It happened to me.
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