#misCOURAGE 02/11/17 by Anonymous
You're young, you're fit, you're healthy, you just need to relax.
We had tried for almost a year to get pregnant and it was starting to become an obsession, then finally that wonderful pregnancy test told us that our prayers had been answered, we were finally going to be parents, we told our own parents straight away as we were so excited and relieved to be pregnant at last. I could now look at other pregnant ladies and smile, I'd joined the club. But it was short lived, the bleeding started and a scan showed only a sac. "It might be too early to see your baby, we need to re-scan in 10 days".
I didn't need ten days, I passed my baby the next day, I knew I was no longer pregnant, the second scan confirmed a blighted ovum, but to me that wasn't a blighted ovum, that was my baby!
"Here have this leaflet, it explains everything in there, bye!"
I knew something was wrong, everything suggested that as a couple we should conceive easily, but that just wasn't the case. Our GP's practically laughed at us for wanting help, "miscarriages happen all the time, you were just unlucky, go away and keep trying" So we went private and had multiple tests that showed we did have reasons for not getting pregnant and started on a simple treatment plan.
We were pregnant again within 5 months of losing our first baby. This time we were excited but far more cautious, we told our parents after a couple of days, but tried to remain calm. Secretly starting to pick out names and think about whether our baby was a boy or a girl. Our happiness was again short lived, the sodding bleeding started again. This time nothing at all was seen on the scan, even though blood and urine tests confirmed I was definitely pregnant, "I'm so sorry, it's likely to be another early miscarriage, we'll scan you again later to double check".
I was labelled with PUL, Pregnancy of Unknown Location.Where the hell was our baby and why was this happening AGAIN! I cried and cried and cried, I begged for this to all just be some awful nightmare. After more scans our baby was finally found.....but in my Fallopian tube, I changed from a PUL to an Ectopic Pregnancy! This was s*#t, this was so unfair and I was seriously angry. Emergency surgery took my baby away from me but tiny cells continued to release pregnancy hormones so I needed a dose of Methotrexate.
It took almost three months before the hospital would discharge me. Although there was no way I could see it at the time, as all I felt was guilt for letting everyone down, I now believe it showed how desperately hard our baby had tried to be with us and how my body showed our baby how much we wanted them but I was left facing an even more difficult challenge of getting pregnant. I wanted my angel babies with me, I didn't want to see anyone else, I just wanted my babies. I wanted them to know I loved them, I still love them and I will always love them.
5 and a half years since we first started trying to start our family, more surgery, more tests and counselling later, we have our rainbow babies, one IVF miracle, safely put back in me almost a year to the day that my second baby was removed and one natural miracle, who reminds us to never give up.
But I am a mother of 4, and my angel babies will forever be in my heart. It took me a long time to come out of a very dark place, but I learnt that it's OK to be sad, it's OK to be angry, it's OK to be bitter and resentful, it's all part of the grieving process.
Miscarriages don't stop you being a mother and you are certainly allowed to mourn your loss!
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