#misCOURAGE story, 04/05/2017, by Penny
I am 32 I have been married for almost 2 years but we have been together for 14 years.
After a long battle with pcos we had our 1st son
Sadly, a year after Jack 2012 when we started to try again I had my 1st miscarriage. It broke my heart. But the heartache never left because I ended up having 11 miscarriages. Some were so bad I was rushed to hospital because of bleeding.
The Dr never wanted to look in to it as I had 3 healthy babies.
Then my father in law past away in September 2014. I knew I was pregnant but only told my husband. The day we lay him to rest I started to spot, I knew what was happening but I could not tell my husband as he was cut up over his dad, I had to get though the day.
I knew what I was doing by now, this was the 11th time. I said no more after that I could not do it any more.
Days after we booked our wedding and started to plan it for the August 2015.
In the May, just after I turned 30 I found out I was pregnant. I was happy but scared, this was not planned at all.
I made it past the 12 week mark and thought 'yes, it's going to be OK', we had not got past 7 weeks before.
At 15 weeks, one week before our wedding, I went to midwifes for check up but she could not find heart beat. She told me it's still early so don't panic too much, but I had always heard my baby at 15 weeks.
Also I had felt a few movements but they had stopped. But being so early I was dismissed. I had a feeling then some thing was not right.
I had always got big fast when pregnant but looked no different. My husband told me not to worry and baby is still so small. We got married one week later.
The week after the wedding it was a big story in Eastenders that one of the ladies lost her baby. I remember crying and saying I should not have watched that. Once again I had that bad feeling, but being so early I thought I was being silly.
2 weeks after the wedding I had a small bleed. I called my midwife and gp because I was 18 weeks 3 days I had never had this. She told me that nothing to worry about because the blood was brown it was old but I was so worried I asked her to come see me.
My midwife came round to check the heartbeat but there was not one. I knew then that my baby had died.
I was sent to the hospital for a scan. They were so lovely but my worst fear came true, our baby had died. I was in such shock I did not know what to say, I just got off the bed thanked the ladies and walked out.
My husband and a midwife caught up with me and I was taken to a room for bloods. Then as they were so busy I was sent to the early pregnancy unit I was left in a waiting room full of other pregnant ladies but all in their early stages.
Nurses and midwives kept telling each other about me and in front of everyone kept coming to tell me how sorry they where.
It made the whole thing worse because then people kept looking at me, I just wanted to go home. I still had not cried after a hour of sitting there I was taken to a room told to take a tablet and to come back at 8am 2 days later!!!
I left the hospital and went to my mums to get my other 3 kids. I had baby stuff at home so my mum and step dad went to get it all.
I had to explain to my kids then 6, 5 and almost 4 that our baby had died.
I did not want to says that baby was sleeping or anything like that I just said that our baby was going up to the sky to the stars, it was so hard to keep myself together but I had to for them.
My heart broke I walked around in a daze not knowing what to do. All I kept thinking was I have my dead baby inside me.
The next day I had a few pains after dinner I was told the tablet could make u sick or need to go to the toilet so I put them down to that and carried on sorting the kids out.
I had put the kids to bed and started to sort my bag out ready for the hospital the next day and the pains started.
I remember crying saying to my husband, I can't do this, I can't push a baby out and not get to bring the baby home.
Pains carried on so I went to the loo and the next thing I knew I had given birth. At home on the toilet I was screaming for my husband to get a pot to put the baby in as baby was still in its sack and cord still in side me. My husband called my mum and 999.
My mum came but still no ambulance so my mum called again. I had woken my kids as I was screaming so my mum sorted them.
The paramedics came and they did not no what to do so they called labour ward and were told to cut the cord and take us in.
When we got to the hospital I was taken to the forget me not suit. My mum came with me, I thought it was best my husband stayed with our kids.
They brought the baby in after a while, he was in a knitted white bundle he had a white blanket that had a gold cross on. That's when we found out the baby was a boy; his perfect little ears perfect little toes and fingers all formed he just looked asleep.
The after birth never came out. They tried to help it out but with every pain I had I lost more and more blood. I lost 7 pints of blood in all so I was rushed to theatre.
I was told I needed to be numbed. There I was, in a room full of strangers who were all chatting away with me sitting there in shock, scared out of my brain. I had never had the needle in my back, I hate needles.
Just as they were about to start some one came in and said there was a emergency and I had to go back to my room. I was left to walk back on my own, still scared and a bit annoyed that I was left.
An hour later back I went back, still no one talked to me.
He started to do the block and he hit a nerve in my back that made my left leg kick out. After that I was laying on the table and the Dr started to try and remove after birth but I could feel her hand and it was hurting so bad I was screaming so I was then put to sleep.
A few hours after I woke, the question started to be asked what did I want to call baby? How did I want to lay baby to rest? and so on.
It was too much my head hurt I was still yet to cry. I decided to name him bubba. I thought if I had given him a name every time I heard it in the street it would hurt.
Iwanted him cremated. They asked if I wanted his ashes or they could be put in the baby garden I choose the garden he would never be alone that way.
The night after I told my mum to go home and get some sleep she had been up all night. After she left it all hit me I was sobbing I wanted my boy so bad. I cried my self to sleep that night. My mum was back at the crack of dawn and I was released to go home.
I can not thank the team of Midwifes that looked after me while I was in the forget me not suit.
I had also decided to send him to have some test that looked at his genes and chromosomes before he was laid to rest. I waited a few months for the results.
I was in two minds as to if I wanted them to find something or not. I half wanted a reason, I needed to blame something for taking him. I had sat and blamed myself.
Was it because of the stress of the wedding? Was my dress too tight? Was I a bad person? I went though it all. I was so mad at everything. But I had to hide most of it and could only grieve at night because if my kids.
The test all came back fine no reason for his death they think he had died at 15 weeks. So now when I look at my wedding pictures that's all I can think of he was in there and had died and I did not know.
I now have my rainbow baby boy Charlie. We call him bear as when I was pregnant I could not name him till he was here and it has stuck.
He was born 2 weeks early on the 6th of July because I was so worried my whole pregnancy, I did not believe he was going to be ok.
I feel I was treated better in labour with him because of what happened but a few times I went to mac because he had not moved and some staff were rude.
My Community midwife was fantastic and so supportive. But I do think there is a lot of change needed for ladies when they lose a baby or when they get pregnant again.
I hate that bubba is classed as a late miscarriage. I shared his hand and foot prints on my facebook page because when people who have never been though it hear late miscarriage, they think blood clot. So many people where shocked to see how perfectly formed they where.
When I sit back and think I have been pregnant 16 times it shocks me - all those little Angels. And bubba will always be here, my husband had a star named after him and that sits in a frame in our sitting room.
I wanted to share my story to help others to know they are not alone and that they can one day have there rainbow baby. X
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer