Pregnant for the second time I was petrified about how I would cope with two children on my own with my other half working away all week. I was worried about finances etc all the usual stuff that crosses your mind when you first see those two lines.
By the time it got to my 12 week scan I had got my head round the idea. The ultrasound operator asked me if my dates could be wrong as she scanned my stomach instantly then I knew something was wrong. I laid there waiting for an internal examination all the while my partner was reassuring me all would be ok. I couldn't help but cry I just knew....then those horrible words "I'm sorry there's no heart beat."
My heart stopped and our world caved in.
I'd had a missed miscarriage my baby had died at 7+5. I couldn't believe it why had this happened to us? Why had my body not registered that my baby had died almost 5 weeks previous? Question after question. The next few days where horrible just waiting for something to happen. After a few days it started it was nothing like the nurse said it would be. It was pure agony physically and emotionally.
Once I had given birth to my baby that was it, the physical pain was over but emotionally I was in a deep dark hole that I saw no way out of. Weeks passed, my first period came and went then my second period never arrived. I was indeed pregnant. I felt sick, happy, sad, scared and other mixed emotions. I tried to stay positive and not to stress about anything. I was getting my rainbow but each day dragged longer than the next.
One night when I'd just put my firstborn to bed I felt a little gush. I went to inspect and there it was blood.... I was all alone and panicking. It was happening again! Again! I was told there would be a very slim chance of it happening again. I went to A&E and I was told I probably wasn't miscarrying and to go back for a scan the next morning. The bleeding eased overnight I was feeling positive when I went to the EPU.
By the time I got seen for my scan I was bleeding heavily. Those words again "I'm sorry there's no heartbeat" I lay there crying as my heart broke for a second time. Baby died at exactly the same stage 7+5. Why? What's wrong with me? I'm yet to have a follow up for my second miscarriage but I know no one can even investigate until it's happened a third time! Can I do it all over again? I'm so lucky to have my girl. I just want a rainbow for my sunshine so much.
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