"Can you spot the difference from the last scan?"
I examine the screen oblivious, my husband, head down, understanding the sonographer's horrendous question.
The scan the fortnight before we'd seen the amazing flicker of our baby's heartbeat, this week... Nothing.
This was one of the numerous scans at our local early pregnancy unit. Thankfully no other sonographer played a game of "spot the difference".
Our very first pregnancy ended before we even knew it existed.
The next three followed the same heart-aching pattern:
Excitement that lasted only seconds with the discovery of a positive pregnancy test, early bleeding at 5/6 weeks , scans showing the beating of a heart. Then the rollercoaster few weeks, that felt like an eternity, as we became regulars at the early pregnancy unit. Seeing our babies develop then ending with the sickening words "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat"
My body became a pincushion with numerous blood tests ( that we travelled hundreds of miles to get and paid thousands if pounds for) and my dignity well and truly gone with the internal investigations.
An ectopic and a further four pregnancies later we still had no baby despite the cocktail of drugs.
My stomach bruised and tender with daily injections, disgusting vaginal pessaries, heart palpitations and weight gain from steroids, not to mention the fat infusion of soy oil and egg yolk injected into my veins.
The guilt, jealousy, depression as friends, family, facebook friends, strangers.... Anyone, announced their pregnancy, seemingly taking for granted their road to parenthood.
"Everything happens for a reason" " it wasn't meant to be" " one day it'll work out" these well meaning comments that cut deep and couldn't be further from the truth.
For years a daily battle of yearning to be parents, the grieving for our 9 babies we didn't get to meet.
We eventually got our "rainbow" baby, Mila, thanks to a selfless member of our family who had gave us the ultimate gift, babysitting our wee miracle (milagros in spanish) for 9 months.
Life is amazing with our wee girl but the emotional rollercoaster still doesn't end as miscarriage robs us of the big family that we always wanted.
# misCOURAGE, our story
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