My body became a pincushion with numerous blood tests ( that we travelled hundreds of miles to get and paid thousands of pounds for) and my dignity well and truly disappeared.

My stomach bruised and tender with daily injections, disgusting vaginal pessaries, heart palpitations and weight gain from steroids.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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by Aynsley

June 2016

"Can you spot the difference from the last scan?"
I examine the screen oblivious, my husband, head down, understanding the sonographer's horrendous question. 
The scan the fortnight before we'd seen the amazing flicker of our baby's heartbeat, this week... Nothing.

This was one of the numerous scans at our local early pregnancy unit. Thankfully no other sonographer played a game of "spot the difference". 

Our very first pregnancy ended before we even knew it existed. 

The next three followed the same heart-aching pattern:

Excitement that lasted only seconds with the discovery of a positive pregnancy test, early bleeding at 5/6 weeks , scans showing the beating of a heart. Then the rollercoaster few weeks, that felt like an eternity, as we became regulars at the early pregnancy unit. Seeing our babies develop then ending with the sickening words "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat" 

My body became a pincushion with numerous blood tests ( that we travelled hundreds of miles to get and paid thousands if pounds for) and my dignity well and truly gone with the internal investigations. 

An ectopic and a further four pregnancies later we still had no baby despite the cocktail of drugs. 
My stomach bruised and tender with daily injections, disgusting vaginal pessaries, heart palpitations and weight gain from steroids, not to mention the fat infusion of soy oil and egg yolk injected into my veins. 

The guilt, jealousy, depression as friends, family, facebook friends, strangers.... Anyone, announced their pregnancy, seemingly taking for granted their road to parenthood. 

"Everything happens for a reason" " it wasn't meant to be" " one day it'll work out" these well meaning comments that cut deep and couldn't be further from the truth. 

For years a daily battle of yearning to be parents, the grieving for our 9 babies we didn't get to meet. 

We eventually got our "rainbow" baby, Mila, thanks to a selfless member of our family who had gave us the ultimate gift, babysitting our wee miracle (milagros in spanish) for 9 months. 

Life is amazing with our wee girl but the emotional rollercoaster still doesn't end as miscarriage robs us of the big family that we always wanted. 

# misCOURAGE, our story

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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