We only started trying for a family in January 2015 and we’d expected to have a few months to get our heads around the idea, so a positive pregnancy test in February left us shocked, but very happy. I suffered morning sickness, but it started to dwindle off around week 9, but I didn’t worry too much.
We went for our 12-week-scan cautiously excited. A friend suffered a missed miscarriage a few years ago, so we were mindful of not getting too carried away.
Sadly, the sonographer told us we’d lost our baby. We felt numb as I was booked in for a D&C on the Monday, three days later. We went through a range of emotions that weekend and, spent lots of time crying and hugging each other. I tried so hard to put on a brave face because I felt so worried about my husband and my family and, wanted to protect them from the awful pain.
All we could do was carry on. We booked a holiday, then planned to start trying again when we returned. The day we arrived home I had a phone call from the doctor to say I was meant to be in hospital that day.
I’d received a letter while I’d been away to say I needed emergency tests
The doctor explained that they had sent tissue for analysis after the D&C and discovered a partial molar which causes the placenta to grow abnormally and can, in some cases, result in cancerous cells. It was a shock, but the worst thing by far was being told we wouldn’t be able to start trying again for six months. We were very aware of our age and it was a real blow.
After regular blood and urine tests I got the all clear in late summer and by October I was pregnant again. The morning sickness disappeared again and, I just felt something wasn’t right so we booked an early scan at 10 weeks.
The night before our appointment I started spotting which, we knew wasn’t a good sign, but I held on to a little bit of hope. Unfortunately the scan confirmed the bad news. I’m almost glad I was prepared for it this time, that I wasn’t given the worst news possible whilst lying on a hospital table filled with hope.
I guess I, like many people, thought a miscarriage was like a heavy period. Thank God I did some research online which prepared me more for the four days of heavy bleeding and very painful cramps. I went for a D&C because they wanted to test again. I’m still waiting for the results.
I guess we’re in limbo. On a practical level I’m trying to stay positive. I look at the odds, read the positive stories, but you can’t help but overthink everything and worry.
Mostly I worry about having another miscarriage
Right now I can’t even begin to think about it not happening for us at all and, I know there’s lots of help available to us. To be honest, my biggest worry is the thought of having to go through a third miscarriage. The idea that we could try again, then 12 weeks later go through all that physical and emotional pain again is something I can’t really get my head around at the moment.
One miscarriage is such a massive ordeal and, yet you have to go through three before you can get any help. I understand that it comes down to money and budgets but it feels incredibly cruel and, I can only think that the people making these decisions can’t possibly have suffered miscarriages themselves.
People don’t really talk about miscarriage, and yet when you begin to have a conversation about it you discover so many women have suffered. That’s what Tommy’s is doing, it’s starting that conversation.
As I lay there, having my last miscarriage, I spent a lot of time desperately searching the internet and I came across other people’s stories. Reading about other people’s experiences was unbelievably helpful and incredibly comforting.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer