#misCOURAGE story by Danielle Midwinter,
We had been thinking of trying for a few months, but after being told there was not much hope with POS we gave up and left it. I wanted to focus on settling in a house and losing more weight. We were on the pill so did not give it a second thought.
In July 2017 on my 24th birthday i did a test as i had been feeling a bit funny and had gone off eggs and my sense of smell was very weird. When it was positive we were so happy! I did another test and it was strong, i then did the clear blue and it said 6 + weeks we were shocked. We did another 4 tests when we got home as we had been in Weston super mare and made a doctors appointment.
However a week later i started to bleed, it wasn't until i delivered my baby 16 weeks old into my hands did i realise i had miscarried. I did not want to go to the hospital i guess i was numb, after a further 3 days of bleeding i did go in.
They left me in A and E for 16 hours on a chair in agony, after losing 2 sets of bloods that would of told them i had septicaemia, they sent me home.
By Friday i was barely able to move and after a rush to hospital they did a scan, and seeing the empty womb broke me, its an image i won't ever forget .
They gave me strong antibiotics but put me in a ward full of pregnant women and i just could not cope at all so i discharged myself a few days later, i gave the excuse my cat Merlin needed me as he was hand raised so is my fur baby. To this day i feel i should of left and refused treatment and died with my baby, i wish i had.
Since then i have had infection after infection and lost my job and went back to comfort eating, i am now able to do my English classes but i have missed a lot. I will finish the course as getting out the house 2 days a week keeps me sane. I still wonder what i did wrong and though my partner wants to try again, i can't go through it all again and i have a feeling we will part sooner rather than later.
Its now a new year but i am still very low and just getting back on track, not one of my friends understands or my family and its hard to cope on your own.
I want to make people understand we are mums we just lost our babies early and won't ever have a grave to cry over. We buried our little one in a box in the garden i could not give it to the hospital to get rid off. Bit morbid but it helps me cope knowing shes here.
This is the first time I've shared my story and in a few weeks we are going back to where we found out and saying goodbye. Worst and best birthday gift.
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