Me and my partner had been together 3 years and had always planned on having children down the line (I was 21 at the time).
We had a big surprise when we found out I was pregnant after failed contraception! We were so excited and started planning on names, where to put the nursery etc.
I had a good early pregnancy despite the morning sickness and hormones. The morning sickness tailed off after a while and I thought nothing of it.
We'd talk and sing to our baby and counted down the days til my first scan.
I got to 11+5 a few days before my scan and found blood in my knickers at work. Obviously I started panicking and rang my midwife straight away who booked an emergency scan for the following day.
I read lots that night and spoke to a friend who'd bled with her little girl. It was only spotting so I was relieved and felt excited about my scan and seeing my baby!
My partner was working away at the time so I went with my mum. We waited in the waiting room and I felt as if I was bleeding more.
When it came to my turn we went into the room and the sonographer used the external probe. Nothing. I was no expert but knew straight away it was not good news. So she told me to take off my underwear and that we'd try internally.
This time we saw something. A little body with no heart beat. No heart beat. Those words drummed in my head.
Stopped growing at 8 weeks. They gave me options and I couldn't answer them. I left that room numb and empty. I rang my partner and burst into tears.
I opted for natural miscarriage and surely enough I started bleeding heavily that night. Few nights of heavy clotting and contractions I thought it was over.
Another scan denied that. My baby was still inside me.
This time the sonographer showed us the little body 'shimmering' explaining that it's little body was breaking up and that the shimmering was the blood. We call our angel baby Shimmer now because that was the last time we saw him/her.
A few days more of heavy clotting, we even called out an ambulance twice because of the amount of blood and even had a trip to a&e. We even had three lots of medical management and still my baby hung on.
All in all it took 2 months for my baby to be passed through.
We even went on holiday while I was miscarrying.
Even at the end I needed a procedure under local anaesthetic to remove last bits of pregnancy tissue. It was cruel and went on for so long, I didn't opt for a D&C because I wanted to give birth naturally, as I would have hoped to have done if Shimmer hadn't passed away.
The most traumatic experience we'd ever been through, there was no aftercare and I felt scared and didn't know what to expect, just to expect 'lots of heavy bleeding'.
People would say to me, 'It wasn't meant to be.' 'You're young you can always have more.' 'At least it was early on.' All stabs to the heart.
I now have a rainbow baby who's now a 1yr old but I will never forget our baby Shimmer.
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