I want to share my story in memory of my beautiful angel who I would have met on the 15th June 2016.
The last 6 months have been the hardest time of my entire life. I lost my baby, my partner left me and literally wanted to give up on everything... well I nearly did..
In December I went for my scan (had previously had an early scan so didn't think there would be anything wrong), straight away I new there was something horribly wrong. And then those word - "I'm sorry Victoria but your baby has died, there's no heart beat". I felt like a giant boulder had landed on top of me. Why do bad things always happen to me? Even now I can still remember and feel the crushing pain. This was something I was supposed to be able to do right, this was something I was put on this earth to do.
Another person gave us a second opinion. You always have hope. Hope that suddenly my little tiny baby would come back to life. It didn't happen. I was uncontrollably upset and so was my partner. We couldn't talk, just sat there crying and shaking. I should have been 13 weeks, but my baby had dies at 7 weeks and 3 days. I counted back the dates - Halloween, how fitting.
I had been told I'd had a delayed or missed miscarriage. I didn't understand how.
I was taken up to the maternity ward, walking past pregnant ladies. It was explained what had happened wasn't my fault, but it felt like it was. I was told the different options of how they could remove the baby and the best ones for me. I opted for the surgical procedure. I was asked if I would like another scan before the procedure which of course I asked for... that glimmer of hope again!
They couldn't book me in for another week so I had to wait 7 horrific days. On the day it was explained I am on the emergency list and would have to wait. I was exhausted, dehydrated and had hardly eaten for days. Hours and hours passed by and no one came to me. One of the nurses on the ward I had met before and she was wonderful she consoled me when I was crying and upset. My Partner was there but he hardly said a word. I think the reality hit him that day and he couldn't look at me. All I kept thinking was "this is all my fault" what if I had done something differently? I don't know what he was thinking or whether he thought it was my fault.
The rest of the day was a blur - in-between saying I would not be seen today, screaming in frustration and emotional turmoil, being "prepped" for theatre then being told the theatre were told I'd left and was coming back a week and a half later, I eventually was taken into theatre at 10:40pm (after being there since 9am). This was the worst day of my life... My mum was there before I went down (my partner had left). The theatre staff were great, I couldn't fault them, they were so empathetic and caring, I just don't know why I had been left all day suffering.
When I came round my mum was there waiting for me on the ward, it was around midnight so I wasn't allowed home. I was given pain relief and drifted off to sleep. the next day I wasn't seen by a doctor until 7pm. I had to wait all day just to know that the procedure went well. All I wanted to do was go home and cry.
My partner couldn't cope with what happened. Well, I think that's what happened. He shut me out and didn't return my calls or speak to me, he still hasn't. I couldn't cope. I needed him and he wasn't there. Yes I had my family but I needed him. A few days later I had the darkest day I had ever been through. I couldn't stand the pain of loosing two people I loved so much. I sent a message to my family telling them I loved them and I was sorry I had let them down and I took an overdose. I just wanted the pain to stop.
It's been hard. My best friends were pregnant, my other friends had children, a few became pregnant after. I cut them out and for that I'm sorry.
It's now 5 months later and coming up to the due date of my angel. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my family and friends. I'm focusing on something each month to look forward to. It doesn't replace what happened but it helps having small things to focus on. I think about her every day, I still cry every day. It's helped knowing that I am not the only one going through this but I wish I new why it happened. I am petrified. I'm petrified it will happen again if I ever do meet someone else and think about having a family. I don't know what I would do if it happened again, I honestly don't.
I will never forget how happy you made me and I will always always love you. All I have is a memory and a small scan picture but you were my world. RIP my angel 15.06.16
If you've had thoughts about suicide following a miscarriage it's really important that you get help. There are people and organisations here to support you.
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