It's very misunderstood how much love you can have for something that is growing inside you, even if it's for 2 weeks or 3 months.

Katie has suffered an early miscarriage, followed by her rainbow baby Noah, and then a silent miscarriage. Here she recounts the grief she has experienced following her losses and her continued hope for the future.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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Katie with her son Noah.

April 2016

by Katie Louise Fraser

In March 2014 I found out I was pregnant for the first time, my partner and I were overjoyed! Two weeks later I started bleeding and a feeling of dread came over me. I was sent for a scan days later to be told the news I already knew in my heart. We were both devastated, I felt like I had failed. I was also even more devastated after telling my mum and my closest friends the amazing news, only to then have to share the most horrible news.

I remember someone saying to me "it obviously wasn't right, things happen for a reason"..."you're young, you can try again", "it just wasn't your time", even nurses telling me "it's so common for first time pregnancies."

I felt so angry to hear that! I deserved to be a mother, I knew that was all I wanted to do, and that was my baby! I might of only been 6 or 7 weeks pregnant, but I had already begun  picturing the baby in my arms.

After crying for days and feeling low I picked myself up and got on with it, with the support of my partner. We decided to try again, the only thing that was keeping hope alive for me. Luckily a month later I fell pregnant again and after spending pretty much the whole pregnancy worrying, dreading waking up and finding blood, or going to a scan and getting told bad news, on the 13th of Feb 2015 we finally welcomed our perfect son Noah into the world! It was the best feeling ever, I loved being a mother. When he was 4 months old we decided to try again, we felt so blessed to have him that if we were to fall pregnant again it would be a double blessing. 

I quickly fell pregnant but this time I wasn't so worried, my body had proved it could carry a baby, I knew I could do it. I thought I could really enjoy this pregnancy, doing normal pregnant things...

At 8 weeks however, I felt different. I had no symptoms of being pregnant, but thought 'wow I felt really normal this time, that can't be right!'. I put it at the back of my mind, thinking I was being paranoid! I attended my midwife appointment, my 12 week scan was booked and I started to get excited. We picked our double pram, I was always looking at nursery ideas. I felt more confident now, I knew what things I needed and knew my son would be a great big brother. Three days before my scan, I found spotting - my stomach churned!

I phoned the midwife and attended the early pregnancy unit the next day for a scan, but I knew, I just knew it was going to be bad news. I felt from the beginning that something wasn't right. A mother always knows, and as soon as that positive pregnancy test appears, you are a mother! We got called in, and I felt sick. This should be a happy moment, but when she looked at the screen, I could see that it wasn't like my son's 12-week scan. I knew then. She confirmed it. I didn't cry straight away, but I looked at my partner and I couldn't believe we were going through this again.

We had to wait in a room to be told our next steps. I just wanted to go home to hug my son and cry without anyone seeing me. I was told all these options, theatre, pills or natural. I couldn't even take it in. I went home to think about it. There was no way I could go through with getting my baby pulled out of me or medically removed by pills, I wanted nature to take it course and for it to happen when it was to happen. The day I was supposed to have my scan, the day I was supposed to tell the world we were having our second child, I woke up to terrible cramps and I knew this was it.

After hours of crying in pain, hot water bottles and loss of blood, there in the toilet, was what was supposed to be my baby.

I was devastated. I spent the next few days crying and having panic attacks. Again, our family was gutted about the news. But after a while everyone just seems to forget. It was only 3 and a half months ago this happened and all I get is "when are you having another one". All I think about is well there was supposed to be another one but no one seems to consider that I still grieve.  

It's very misunderstood how much love you can have for something that is growing inside you, even if it's for 2 weeks or 3 months. It was supposed to be the baby in your arms, your son or daughter.

I walk by pregnant women and my heart crumbles, or I see a double pram and I look away. Myself and my partner don't talk about it much. But we know that it's hard sometimes. We have been through a lot together but I look at our son and feel so blessed to have him. He is our world. I hope we can have more children in the future, but right now we are working on healing, our son and giving my body some well deserved rest!

 

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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