As I'm from a big family, I've always dreamed I'd have lots of children. My fiancé and I decided back in 2010 to start trying for our first child.
We started to try but suddenly my periods started to become irregular, one month I was a week late then the following month two etc so we decided to focus on loosing some weight and getting my periods back to regular again. The following month I was late again but because of the previous months I didn't test as I was sure it was because I was irregular.
Finally I went to the dr when I was now a month late to be sent for blood tests, the dr did say to me to test before I went for my blood test to rule out I wasn't pregnant, I'm not sure why but I was convinced I wasn't so still left it another 5 days before testing and low and behold the lines were stronger than ever...
Working out my dates I was 8/9 weeks already. Our gorgeous boy was born May 2011.
We decided when he was 3 that we would try again.
Nothing was happening and it started to put a strain on our relationship especially for my fiancé as he felt like a performing monkey.
In the end, we stopped and decided to book our wedding after 9 years together. Our relationship, without the strain of trying to conceive was fantastic, best friends again. Weirdly 12 weeks before the wedding, I suddenly realised I was a few dates late, I tested and there it was a beautiful strong line.
We were over the moon. Albeit a bit scared as it was our hen and stag weekends the following week but we had exciting plans to announce it at our wedding reception by giving our son a t shirt saying "only child expiring Jan 2016".
It's amazing how quickly you start planning your life.
Then at 7 weeks, I noticed some spotting. I wasn't majorly worried because I bled almost the whole way through with our sons pregnancy but I popped to the dr's who sent me for a scan.
That afternoon I was scanned at the Epu, looking back now I think I knew something wasn't right because the sonographer told me that everything was where it should be and I was measuring 4/5 weeks but I had an appointment to go back the following week, I knew in my heart that I was at least 6 weeks.
The following day whilst at work, I got a sudden bad back, really quite painful and started heavily bleeding. The next week whilst I passed everything, was really awful. I felt so alone and shut myself away. We wanted this so badly. The pain was excruciating at times.
My poor husband to be was going on his stag weekend a few days later and was going to cancel but I insisted he went as he had been really looking forward to it and hopefully you only have one in your life!
The wedding past and was beautiful, we both never spoke about trying again, I think it was a natural decision, so when it didn't happen after a couple of months, old ways set in. Checking apps on my phone and ovulation dates and saying "I think I'm ovulating this date."
My now new husband felt pressured again and suddenly the issues we had before were happening again.
I blamed myself for everything so not only was I grieving the loss of the much wanted baby, I was also desperate to be pregnant again, I ended up gaining lots of weight and having to go counselling. So when things started to perk up between us again this year, I realised that I was putting pressure on my husband and took a more relaxed approach.
A year to the date of our wedding, I found out I was pregnant. I just had a feeling and it seemed perfect timing, as if to say "this year is going to be great" again, you can't help but start planning instantly. "I'll be due then" "I'll go on maternity then" but within days I was bleeding and two negative tests confirmed that again I had, had a very early miscarriage.
I literally laid on my bed and didn't want to move. "Why us again?" As it was earlier, I didn't have as much to pass but that didn't stop the painful cramps during the night and the heavy bleeding and emotion.
Social media is the worst place for someone in our position, pregnant bumps, beautiful scan pictures, new born babies....
This time we have gone straight to trying again. I'm praying it happens soon and we get our long awaited rainbow.
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