I’ve gone through so many emotions; grief, anger. Miscarrying was such a shock, I just never thought it would happen to me.
I was over the moon when we conceived, we’d been trying for over a year and it was quite stressful. I’d recently lost my Dad, so finding out I was pregnant was the best thing and I was very lucky, no sickness. I felt really well and loved the whole experience.
Oliver was born by C-section on New Year’s Day and, when I saw him for the first time I fell in love, it was the best feeling in the world.
By October 2015, we started talking about trying again and we got pregnant straight away. After our struggle to conceive Oliver, we couldn’t quite believe it had happened so fast and, I actually took three pregnancy tests to be sure. We went for an early scan in January at around 8 weeks and I felt apprehensive.
In the back of mind I’d felt like something wasn’t quite right from the beginning
I’d suffered a lot of lower back pain and, had a dream that I went for a scan and they said there was nothing there. That’s what happened. They told me there was a sac, but nothing in it. I didn’t really understand, so they explained that either I’d got my dates very wrong or the pregnancy had stopped growing. I knew my dates were right.
I was really upset, almost unable to take in what we’d been told. When I went home I actually did another pregnancy test and, it said I was one to two weeks pregnant, I knew I should have been much further along than that. I felt really anxious, but still couldn’t accept what was happening.
The next day I went to the toilet and there was some discharge. I’d had spotting with Oliver so, even though I knew things didn’t look good, I was desperately hanging on to hope. So many different things went through my head, maybe it was twins and one of them would be okay.
By that evening I had to go to A&E because I was bleeding so heavily. The waiting was torture and, after six hours, I discharged myself. It seemed so pointless having lots of tests, they wanted to confirm something that I knew was happening.
I was bleeding and just didn’t want people messing with me. What difference would it make? I’ve always had a regular cycle and my periods aren’t that heavy, so the bleeding was quite shocking for me. From Thursday to Monday I lost clots and tissue, then it completely stopped.
I went back for a follow-up appointment the next week. All that bleeding, that physical and emotional pain, then having to wait seven days for a scan. Luckily for me, it had all come away naturally. I saw it come away myself which was horrible.
I couldn’t stop myself from looking and it was very small, but obviously a baby
Miscarrying has been such a shock. I’m pretty healthy and I eat well and exercise. I just never thought it would happen to me. I’ve gone through so many emotions. It’s different to losing my Dad, but in many ways the same; the grief, the anger.
I also felt so guilty. What if I’d overdone it at the gym? I kept going over things in my head, blaming myself for what had happened, but eventually I had to stop because I was driving myself mad.
Work have been fantastic. They’ve even offered me counselling and I’ve found its really helped. I’m trying to be positive, but I have felt very depressed and anxious. We’re looking to try again and just see where it takes us. I’m trying to relax and let nature take its course rather than being so focused on getting pregnant, but I know it will be hard.
I’d be devastated if I couldn’t get pregnant again
Oliver is the best thing in the world, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want another baby. When I see other pregnant women I find it so painful to see them going through what I should be going through.
The week before I miscarried I sorted out all my old maternity clothes, washing them and ironing. I’d started a baby drawer. I’d started planning and dreaming then, all of a sudden, one week later, that’s just gone and it’s heart-breaking. I loved the feeling of being pregnant and I feel so very empty inside.
People don’t like to talk about miscarriage and that’s why Tommy’s campaign, which highlights the issue and encourages discussion is so important. Miscarriage is a loss, and you shouldn’t have to carry it on your own.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer