I'm writing this as I struggle to sleep, still in physical pain from yesterday.

I know the worst is over now and the pain is easing. I'm not sure I could ever go through this loss again.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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May 2016

I'm 37, when I was 18 I received the results back that shattered my world. "I'm sorry but you'll never be able to conceive naturally" I had terribly bad PCOS. These words effected me for many years later. My husband at the time was never fussed about having kids but deep down I longed for a baby, my heart ached. We were sat in the hospital car park ready for the first stage of fertility treatment when he decided he wasn't going to go through with it. That was the point our relationship ended. For years I had the same dream of waking up one morning and finding a miracle at the bottom of my bed. He wasn't a bad man at all. Just a man who wanted something different from life. In time I met my true soul mate. By this time I'd given up the thought of ever conceiving and carrying my own baby. I could never put myself through the heartache of trying and failing. My partner also was told he had fertility issues. We got on with life, happier than ever for 3 years until one day, we'd been out walking and I was very out of breath. His actual words were"are you sure you can't get pregnant because your looking rather porky today" something made us do a test, I didn't for one second imagine the test to come back positive but it did. I felt like I'd fallen through the floor. We were so happy, scared but happy. Turned out I was 21 weeks pregnant . The pregnancy went well, apart from being overweight and having diabetes. The delivery was fraught and my little boy spent the fist 10 days of his life in HDU. Every day since has been this amazing gift, I got to experience the unimaginable and for the past 6 years the joy and love has been undescribable People would often ask when would George get a sibling and it would infuriate me. George was my gift, my miracle, did they have no idea how hard it was to create one miracle, never mind two??? How could I ever love another like I love him?

On April 10th I felt ill and my period was later than my usual irregular period, I don't know why but I did a test, it was so feint I thought I was imagining the result so I did another, then another until I'd done 5 including a digital one. I was roughly 2 weeks pregnant. It didn't feel real. Almost not right. How could I love another?? Miracles don't happen twice surely? It took us a few weeks to sink in, we started to get used to the idea, I stated getting the usual early symptoms. Still, it didn't seem real. I went to the Loo one morning and after a poop I noticed a very faint bleed, just when I wiped but then it went. The same happens the next time i pooped so I called the midwife and they sent me for a scan. They gave me an internal scan as they couldn't see anything the usual way, the nurse held no emotions when she told me there was no heartbeat or sign of a baby. The egg sack was viewable but it looked empty. I was about 5 weeks she told me. They took my bloods to measure hormone levels then asked me to come back in two days. She said she was sorry but the pregnancy probably wasn't viable. We went home and cried, it was a long 48 hours. I had a few little twinges of pain in that time but nothing I was concerned about.

There was no more bleeding. In fact there was never really any bleed, turns out what I had experienced was normal.

We went back two days later with so much sadness in our hearts. We lay silent, holding hands as she internally scanned. Her face was blank. Then she told me all was as it should be, they could now see the yolk which was to be our baby and all was well, I was measuring 5 weeks 6 days. It was like our miracle all over again. They gave me a follow on scan for 2 weeks later and we went home happy. Over the two weeks my morning sickness got worse, my diabetes spiralled out of control, I had many visits to the hospital which meant my little boy had to be told about his possible baby brother/ sister. He was ecstatic. We soon had to tell people as he'd started to talk at school and couldn't keep it quiet. We were all so happy and starting to make plans. The idea of 3 becoming 4 was now real and exciting. By the time the 8 week scan arrived I was strangely starting to show, even waddle slightly but I think this was more a subconscious thing. I loved the thought of being pregnant again. I loved strolling in to the maternity section with my notes and sitting with all the other bumps. 

Again, an internal scan was needed, I'm a bigger lass so expected this. We were so happy to see how our little bean was growing. We chatted away to the support workers while the sonographer scanned, blankly again like last time but it didn't phase us and then the words came. "I'm really sorry but I can't find a heartbeat" she turned the screen to me and I couldn't see anything in my womb. The shock was immense. Where was my bean? Where had my baby gone? I couldn't understand because there had been no pain or bleeding. Apparently my body thought I was still pregnant. We had to walk past all the other pregnant bellies to get home, I was in bits as I walked through the car park past the blonde lady in the black and white stripy top that clung round her bump so beautifully. All I could think about was how to tell my little boy. Two nights earlier he got a little tough and nudged me sharp in the tummy and I had to tell him to be more careful. He asked why and I told him that tiny babies had to hold on real tight and if they got knocked about hard and too much they might drop out. All I could think was he would blame himself for the harmless nudge he gave me. I couldn't bare him thinking that. I was in bed when he came home from school, he came straight in and climbed beside me for a cuddle, then he kissed my tummy and asked how long it would be until his baby brother or sister was here, I couldn't hold back my tears, he looked in to my eyes and cried as I told him it would be a while yet , not Xmas like we first thought because mammy and the doctors had made a mistake, he asked me how as he'd been looking at the scan for days . The only thing I could think of to say was that we'd mistaken it for the orange I ate the other week. Luckily he accepted that as the answer, cried for 5 mins then fired up MInecraft and we never mentioned it again. For the next few days I would dream about being pregnant then wake up and have to remember my baby was dead inside me. They told me it would probably come away on its own and gave me a follow on appointment for another two weeks. Every day that came my morning sickness got worse, my belly still grew and my boobs hurt like hell. My pregnancy continued but my baby was dead.

I prayed for it to end but it didn't. Yesterday was two weeks later and still my baby was inside.

I'd researched my options and I had a good idea how I wanted to move forward. I wanted to take the surgical option of having the baby removed under local anaesthetic so I didn't have to pass my baby in a toilet bowl. It didn't surprise me this time when she scanned me and confirmed the baby hadn't grown since 6 weeks. By now my body was 10 weeks pregnant. I told her my plan and I was sent downstairs to wait in the waiting room full of bumps. I tried so hard to keep my spirits up, I couldn't upset all these women. What a bad curse I would have seemed. After much organising I was given 2 pesseries and sent home for a few hour to return to a different hospital for the procedure. The pain started fast and it was the worse pain I'd ever had. By the time I went back to the hospital I felt like crap. I was told because they had not been warned of my size that the procedure would be difficult and carry far more risks. It took two Dr's to tell me this, the first who tried did it with such little grace and compassion that I had no confidence in her abilities whatsoever, i just wanted this dead baby out. The second dr calmed down the situation and worded things far more sympathetically and we agreed that because none of them where happy to operate on me because I was fat that my best option was going to be to take an oral tablet. By this point I knew the pessaries where working and it wouldn't be long so I took them then went home to pick my son up from school

I really didn't want my little boy to be upset by anything so I took myself to bed, it was 4pm and my bleeding had started. I was in the most unimaginable pain but I managed to fall asleep for a while. I stayed in bed until I knew he'd gone to bed. I went to the bathroom and it happened. I felt my pregnancy fall away, flushed down the toilet like it didn't matter. I'll never ever forget how that felt as it left me. The physical pain was immense.

I know the worst is over now and the pain is easing. I'm not sure I could ever go through this loss again, especially now when I look at my miracle little boy. What happens next? God only knows. I know I'll get over this because I have an amazing husband and an amazing son but I can't say if I'd want to ever try again

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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