If only I had known

I now wish that I had preserved as much of him, of our time with him as a baby. Because I feel I may not experience that ever again.

Story of Miscourage

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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Story of #miscourage by Elizabeth

So..... I’m sitting in the EPAC department of Chichester hospital after being told my baby of 9 weeks has died, this is the third miscarriage this year.

I had some bleeding last night which isn't always an indication of a miscarriage in my case..... I have a 3 year old little boy and while pregnant with him I had several bleeds, one being severe enough I was rushed to a&e but thankfully he hung in and survived, which isn't the same as the last 3 pregnancies.

I knew it was bad news today when the sonographer said 'let's do an internal', from my experiences that means bad news!

It means they cannot find a heartbeat on the regular scan of my abdomen.

That being said I still had a little bit of hope which was squished when the lovely sonographer said those three words....... 'I'm so sorry'.

My world was crushed AGAIN!

So, I'm currently sat in the waiting room waiting to see the consultant. I feel like a pro at this. I know the consultant will want to go through the three options; 'wait and see', allowing your body to miscarry naturally, 'medical intervention' where they insert hormonal seposeteries into your cervix to encourage the body to miscarry or 'surgical intervention' which used to be known as a D&C.

The last two miscarriages I have opted for the medical intervention..... 'just get rid of it' was my comment.It was dead so why would I want a dead baby in me!

This time I feel very different, I feel like I want to cling on to the hope, to cling onto the dreams of holding this baby, of his/her fingers and toes, of the new baby smell and noises which I crave so much.

If one more person says to me 'but at least you have your son', I may punch them!!!

Yes I am incredibly lucky to have my gorgeous son, and I thank the world everyday that he is in my life and brings so much joy and happiness to not only me but my husband, friends and family. My husband and I have always 'planned' to have at least 2 children.

If someone told me I could only have 1 when I was pregnant with my son then I wouldn't have taken it for granted. I found the first 6 months after my son very tough so I was willing him, wanting him to do the next thing, grow bigger, move around, sleep through so life would get easier for me (how selfish!).

I now wish that I had preserved as much of him, of our time with him as a baby. Because I feel I may not experience that ever again. 

Fast forward nearly a year......... 

I have been through numerous tests, examinations, operations with still no known cause of the miscarriages.

I am thankful to my consultant who has agreed to try me on aspirin and heparin as a last resort offered by the NHS. So we will see! 

I have days where I am hopeful that one day I will have another healthy baby, a brother or sister for my son, and days where I feel so desperate and out of control. 

This is such a wonderful platform to share my story. I don’t ‘talk’ about my experiences as I feel I don’t have people in my life who understand so being able to share my feelings is refreshing.

Thank you. 

Sending my love to all women out there experience baby loss...... it’s heartbreaking xxx

Go to the full list of stories.

Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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Please note that these comments are monitored but not answered by Tommy’s. Please call your GP or maternity unit if you have concerns about your health or your baby’s health.

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