I'll never forget the dates of my first pregnancy. We got the positive test on my husband's birthday, and the due date was the same date as my friend's baby was due.
I was horrified when I noticed the spotting. I was a week away from my 12 week scan. I was reassured by medics and friends that bleeding doesn't necessarily mean anything bad is happening. No one could help. I was at work in tears to the midwives and the hospital, and was told no scan, I just had to wait, there was nothing they could do anyway.
Eventually the bleeding worsened and when I did have a scan I was told "sorry for your loss" and sent to a room where I fell apart emotionally. Eventually a lady came and told me they'd hope for me to miscarry naturally rather than have an operation. I'd had a missed miscarriage. The baby had never really formed properly but my body retained it. Growth had stopped around 6 weeks. I felt like an idiot having been excited about a pregnancy that was fake all along. The morning sickness and planning and excitement had all been for nothing.
She told me I might have a bit of a nasty period. That is the worst understatement I have ever heard.
It was the most painful time of my life and I felt devastated. A group of ladies I met online in the same circumstances absolutely got me through it. I was obsessed with getting pregnant again, convinced it was the only cure.
By my original due date I was pregnant again and that baby is now about to turn 3 and has a baby brother just two years behind him.
There's light at the end of the tunnel, but that tunnel was dark. Now, it feels like a different life. I have my sons now and that's really all that matters. I won't ever forget the agony of that first loss, but I have to be grateful for what I have, and I really am, even though the journey was rocky.
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