I was only 8 weeks pregnant but during those few weeks I felt different. I felt like a mother

I didn't have a scan picture, I didn't hear a heartbeat. But I knew my baby was there. And now it was gone.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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September 2016

Carrie

My first miscarriage happened when I was 24. I had only been with my boyfriend for 3 months and I was in my final year of university. The pregnancy wasn't planned but I was over the moon as I'd wanted to be a mother since I was 18. My boyfriend didn't take the news well. He already had a son from a previous relationship.

I woke up the morning it happened with what felt like severe period pain and was bleeding, albeit not too heavily at this point. I walked into university, went to the library computers and searched for "bleeding early pregnancy".

I was devastated when I realised what could be happening.

My lecturer spotted me and offered me his office to call a friend. On the way I went to toilets as the plain was getting worse. It was here that I "lost" my baby. I passed something about the size of a jellybaby and then I knew it was over.

I called my friend and she drove the 60 miles to come and get me. We went to the hospital, jellybean in tow, and I had a scan to make sure I had passed everything. During this scan they spotted a cyst on my ovary but I don't believe this was related as during a follow up scan it had disappeared.

I was only 8 weeks pregnant but during those few weeks I felt different. I felt like a mother. I didn't have a scan picture, I didn't hear a heartbeat. But I knew my baby was there. And now it was gone.

All I had was an image of the jellybean shaped cluster of cells that I had almost flushed down the toilet.

My second miscarriage happened about year later. I was with the same guy and only about 5 weeks pregnant this time but I had become obsessed with falling pregnant so found out quite early on.

I had counselling after this miscarriage as I took it very badly. I don't think I had dealt with my emotions surrounding the first one so this time I tackled them head on. The relationship didn't last. We broke up after 3 years together. I found out he had been sleeping with someone else.

I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason though. They are still together 8 years later and have three children. I used this to convince myself that I wasn't meant to have children with this person and this was the reason for the miscarriages.

My third miscarriage happened when I was 29 and I was in a new, very happy relationship. The pregnancy had been planned and happened in our 2nd month of trying. I was very worried about miscarrying and never felt right. I started bleeding at 7 weeks. I didn't know how to cope with this one as I was happy in relationship so couldn't use my prior technique.

After this miscarriage my obsession over becoming pregnant was out of control. I was looking at websites and forums multiple times a day, using thermometers, ovulation sticks, you name it I tried it. It was during this time that three women at my office announced their pregnancies.

I felt so bitter and resentful. What was so wrong with me that I couldn't even reach 10 weeks??

I had a multitude of tests as having had three I now qualified as having suffered recurrent miscarriages and investigations could finally begin. Nothing was found. Just one of those things. Sometimes things happen for no reason. The relationship didn't last, likely due to my obsession!

Fast forward 5 years and I am now 3 weeks away from getting married. No child yet but I hope to be blessed one day. And if I'm not that's ok too. It has taken many years, 6 months of therapy and a good man to help me see that the miscarriages were not my fault.

I needed to make my life matter as I had spent so many years desperate for a child and believing my life was worthless if I didn't have a child. I no longer believe that. A child would be an incredibly welcome addition but I am now happy and content with the life I have made for myself.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

Comments

  • By lemonzest (not verified) on 29 Sep 2016 - 22:45

    I am 14 weeks pregnant, finally after all the tracking and charting of temps for ovulation with the free btt and opks from pregnancytips.. And I really feel like a mum already.. :) will do everything and anything to keep my little one safe

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 30 Sep 2016 - 09:41

    Congratulations on your pregnancy, enjoy! x

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