by Liz Simpson
In February 2012 we were delighted to find out that we were expecting our second child. Everything in the ultrasound looked well and we were able to see a little heartbeat.
At the time we had a two year-old already. In early March we had an ultrasound and were going to get to hear the baby. My mother-in-law took me shopping for a new maternity outfit and she decided to join us for the ultrasound.
The doctor came in and we waited to hear the heart..we waited, and waited, and after what seemed like forever the doctor looked at me and said "Sorry, I cant find the heartbeat, it happens, you can try again."
He walked out of the room as if nothing had happened. My heart sank, I didn't understand: "what happened? "what is he saying?" Our baby was gone.
I cried all the way home and hid myself in the bedroom and cried for 24 hours. 'Did I do something wrong?, how could this happen?, what now?'
These questions were running through my head and I had no answers. I tried calling the doctors office to get information but all I was told was to wait and call back when I started bleeding. That didn't happen. I went in a week later and was told it was a 'Missed miscarriage' ( I had no idea what that was) and that I would need a D&C.
I left and was told to wait on approvals from the insurance. I waited...and waited..days later still nothing.
Here I was confused and walking around still "technically" pregnant, but knowing the baby was gone.
This was extremely emotionally and mentally draining on me. I had no one to talk to because any time the word miscarriage was brought up people instantly shut down. I avoided people at all costs. I waited for the doctor to call.
On 20 March I woke up covered in hives, I could barely breathe and was in a lot of pain. I went to the emergency room and was told I had blood poisoning because of having waited so long. They did an emergency D&C on me.
I later found out that had I waited any longer I wouldn't of made it because of the severity of the blood poisoning.
I got discharged and sent home, no support, no advice line, no answers about what happened. I went home and had to do my own research about what D&C was, what had happened, and how to get someone to talk to.
The beginning of the next year we were expecting again, once again, we lost the baby. This time I had prepared myself, I demanded the D&C, they reluctantly agreed to do it within days.
Again, no support, no advice, nothing. On our wedding anniversary in 2013 we found out we were expecting, this should have been happy news, instead I broke down crying expecting the worst.
For the next 9 months I worried and cried. In August of 2014 I had my beautiful rainbow baby. A little boy, big eyes and curly hair. I was blessed.
Having him gave me determination to speak out and speak up.
I was determined to break the stigma of miscarriage. It's NOT our fault, we should NOT feel guilty about it.
I share my story to share hope. Even though having to go through those losses was heart-wrenching I learned to use my voice and that there is always HOPE. I now have an amazing 18 month old and my 5 year-old. To my fellow parents I say don't give up, there is a rainbow at the end of the storm.
If you're suffering call someone, this includes dads. They get even less support that mums do when it comes to this.
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