I remember the day we found out, we had been married for 4 years, we were happy and always spoke of our future and having a baby but wasn't actively trying.
We had both finished work hubby was watching tv and I was making dinner. I popped up to use the toilet and I reached for a pregnancy test, something I did now and then, I had off of the depo injection for about a year and still wasn't having regular periods so once in a while I would take a test.
I popped it on the side and waited for the line to appear to clarify I wasn't but as I looked closer I saw a very very faint second line.
I couldn't believe it my heart was racing I was over the moon and I couldn't wait to tell hubby, I ran down the stairs and said the two best and special worlds that you could say, 'I'm pregnant' he was ecstatic we went back upstairs and I showed him.He looked sceptical as the line was faint but I knew.
So we got into the car and raced to a pharmacy to get a second test we ran home I drank a pint off water took the test, we waited and waited, NOT PREGNANT, my heart dropped but I shrugged it off and said it doesn't matter but secretly I was distraught and I knew he was too.
I carried on with dinner which we both tried to eat in silence. The next morning we were due to stay at his moms and so before we left I was doing research on a false positive which was said to be uncommon and that drinking a lot would dilute you urine, my heart raced there was hope, so on our way to his moms I told him, he wasn't convinced but we stopped and got another test.
When everyone left the house we shot upstairs and took the test, it felt like forever when finally the screen read 2-3! I knew it I was pregnant we were on top of the world.
We agreed to keep it to ourselves until the 1st scan, we walked into my mom and dads a little while later and as we walked in couldn't help but smile my mom asked what was happening we said nothing and she replied with are you pregnant and we just smiled so there we go we could keep it to ourselves if we tried.
We had to tell my brother that we couldn't go to his wedding as it was in Mauritius in August and I would be due in September it was unfortunate but I was going to be a Mummy.
As we travelled back to the hubbys mum and dads we knew it was only fair to tell them too.
Everyone was so excited and so were we as soon as we got home I got out my laptop and wrote a list of everything we needed and more.
As the weeks passed we had out date for our scan I couldn't wait I had brought three frames for the 1st scan, 1 for us and 1 for each of the parents. But I refused to buy anything else as I wanted to wait for the first scan (that didn't stop our parents though).
When I was about 7 weeks my sister came around where she told me that she was also pregnant I couldn't believe it our babies would be a month apart and would grow up together.
I went to work as normal but never really had any symptoms other than tiredness. As we got to 12 weeks 5 days we only had 2 days until our scan and as soon as we had had that we were going to go to mother are to get our first purchase, it couldn't come soon enough I had already picked out names, Christmas presents, read baby books, you name it.
I went to the toilet and there it was, I was spotting blood.I didn't want to believe it, but I knew I spoke to a doctor and they suggested feet up and a scan the next day.
That night I was in bed it was around 3 in the morning and as I woke I sneezed and I just felt a strange sensation of liquid pouring out of me I shouted my hubby to wake and when he turned on the lights all we could see was blood.
It wouldn't stop we were panicking and we raced to A&E. We were sent to the early pregnancy unit where we saw doctor I was in so much pain and we had to wait until someone could come in and do a scan.
I can't really remember much about the waiting we went through I laid down and had a scan it was painful I was so tender and I didn't look at the screen (i wish i had). Then I heard the words I'm sorry I was numb.
The doctor told us the baby measured 7 weeks which means I'd had a missed miscarriage as was 13 weeks. Hubby was distraught but had to make the dreaded phone calls to family all I could hear was crying I don't think I spoke for the rest of the day.
I had decided I didn't want to be operated on or have any medication I wanted to pass my baby naturally so I knew there was nothing i could have done. I carried on bleeding for another two days.
I didn't want to talk about it and to be honest I still don't. I'm not very good with showing my emotion but it still hurts and I think about our baby EVERYDAY.
It was hard to see my sister have my nephew knowing that would have been me but I put on my brave face and was there for her. It was awkward to start with as I knew everybody was looking at me and hubby whenever we were around my nephew as a baby.
So its 3 years later still not pregnant but we are still happy and love our nephew to bits and see him all the time.
I still get those awful questions 'don't you want children', 'when are you going to have them', '6 years married and no children' these are hard but I just say not yet and hope someone changes the subject.
When I have shared my story I get 'its common ' or 'it want meant to be' which to be honest makes me want to punch them in the face.
I know its harsh and I don't do it but I think people need to understand that my baby like others is not a statistic and we will always remember and love our baby and should not be dismissed.
Miscarriage seems to be something that happens and should be shrugged off which infuriates me. So here is my story I know its very long but I hope it helps others and encourages them to share their story.
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