I suppose I was trying to protect her in my own daft way

She is my hero.

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#misCOURAGE story, 12/05/2017, by anonymous

We lost our first little boy at 20 weeks just over 4 years ago.

At the time it was the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced to watch my wife deliver him, she was so brave.

We both didn't want to see (the doctors said it would be upsetting because of the problem he had) and I remember lying across her holding her and saying "it's done, it's done", I suppose I was trying to protect her in my own daft way.

She is my hero.

We have had another little boy since which is just magical, but we never forget him, he has a name that only me and his mum know.

There wasn't a funeral but we know the day he was cremated, and where his ashes are, he has a few little items in our house that only me and his mum know represent him, so he's with us all the time.

I suppose my message to others is:

The pain comes and goes and always will, and dad's can cry too, don't fight it if you think it will help, it does for me.

I get some comfort from the pain now, it means although I never met him, I love him with all my heart, it's crazy but sometimes I'll be in tears from nowhere and I find myself saying out loud "why are you hurting me today?"

In those are the moments I feel closest to him.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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