I met my husband when I was 36, we had been married for a few years when we decided to start trying for a family. When I hit 40 I discovered I was pregnant. We were both so happy and told our families straight away, we started thinking about future plans and the exciting future that lay ahead for us.
At 7 weeks I started bleeding and called the NHS help line for some reassurance. They advised me I needed a scan, I had one booked for the following day.
During the night I starred bleeding heavily and knew I was suffering a miscarriage. I went through the dreadful experience of sitting in the early pregnancy unit with other expectant mothers waiting for my scan.
It was one of the worst experiences for my life, sitting in the waiting room with everyone staring at you.
I had my scan to be told "there is nothing there" and being shown the scan photograph. I remember thinking how whenever I had seen one of these pictures it was always such a joyous moment for the owner of the picture. I looked at the picture of my empty womb and felt completely numb.
I spent the next few months trying to get myself together, but I felt so alone. We had to tell everyone what had happened and we tried to remain positive, putting it down to bad luck.
The following year I found out I was pregnant again and this time we didn't tell anyone, my mum was seriously ill at the time with cancer and I didn't want her to worry about me.
I went to the doctors when I was 8 weeks, and said I was worried as I had started spotting. He dismissed me and said it was normal, I explained I was anxious because this was how it began before. He practically shooed me away, I started miscarrying the following day.
After another appointment at the early pregnancy unit in the same waiting room where there is no privacy. I was told I had suffered another miscarriage. I was given the option to have a d&c or let it happen naturally, I decided to opt for the second option as the recovery time was quicker.
I asked if I could be referred because of my age & it was my second miscarriage, I was told in no uncertain terms that until I had 3 there was nothing they could do. I again felt so alone, I wasn't offered any help and I couldn't speak to my mum about it as she was so unwell.
My third miscarriage happened when I went for a private early scan at 9 weeks and they couldn't find a heartbeat. After a lot of appointments the hospital confirmed another miscarriage. On the hospitals advice I had a D&C as there was no sign the process of miscarriage had started. As I hit the magic no 3, I was referred to a consultant.
I have slowly been coming to terms with the fact we might never have children. I am now on anti depressants which has helped me feel better.
We saw the consultant and were told it was bad luck, we should have been happy with this news, but it's really hard to take that 3 in a row is bad luck!
I still dread hearing that someone is pregnant. I don't blame myself for the loss but I feel really upset when I think of how I was treated by the NHS. There is a lot more they could do when dealing with women suffering miscarriage.
We bough a puppy and I have put all my maternal feelings & love into looking after her. Each week I feel a little bit better about myself, but the painful memories I have of miscarriage will always be with me.
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