It was the perfect story; I was just married and got pregnant straight away with no complications until the 12 weeks scan (which was actually at 14 weeks due to delayed paperwork.) I was so excited to have my first baby, as were my friends and family. I told them because I had made it to 12 weeks without problems.
That is what you are meant to do, right?! It didn't even cross my mind that they would say I had miscarried. My baby had died at 9 weeks but my body hadn't noticed so I had to have the miscarriage induced in hospital the next day.
It hit me like a ton of bricks and I carried some of those bricks around with me for months. That is when I learnt what grief is and how destructive it can be. Luckily I survived and what is even more amazing is that my marriage did too.
I got pregnant again after a few months. This time I was prepared, we had an early scan, pregnancy symptoms were stronger but I knew there was always a chance something might be wrong with my second baby. It didn't occur to me that there wouldn't be a baby. A blighted ovum, what the hell does that even mean?! I went into hospital again for another induced miscarriage, same hospital ward, same room even! It seems my body doesn't know how to let go of 'failed' pregnancies as they call them.
I know it's not my fault, I know I didn't do anything wrong but I still felt like it was my fault. It was my body and no one else was to blame so it must be me.
No one has even tried to explain what happened because no one has looked into it. You have to have three miscarriages before anyone even thinks about it, never mind comes up with an explanation. How unfair is that?!
Not many people get to their third pregnancy, without having had any children or having never heard a baby's heartbeat or been given a scan picture.
Now I have a handful of people who I can talk to and are my back ups. Between them all they support me and help me up again. Whatever I need, cuddles, advice, a good talking to, chocolate, you name it one of them has it. The best thing is that no matter how much I cry and shout, no matter how miserable I am and no matter how hard it gets they never go away.
I wish I'd known that first time round!
Go Tommy 's I say!
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