I felt like this was my punishment, natures way of saying that I didn't deserve to be a mother

I became obsessive about taking my pregnancy vitamins and was overcome with a sense of dread that if anything happened it was my fault.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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by Lauren

May 2016

It was the beginning of May and I had just began training for my dream career, my whole life was on a plate in front of me and I was ecstatic. However just 2 weeks into my training I sustained an injury and went home to recover. Whilst at home I noticed my period was late and my partner bought me a pregnancy test. We both went to the bathroom and after peeing on the stick I gave it to him because I was so nervous.

With my head in my hands I looked up and he was just staring at me so I grabbed the test out of his hand and there it was "Pregnant 3+ weeks". I was numb with excitement, my cheeks were aching from smiling that much and from that moment on I began to plan our whole future as a family, We told his parents and received a polite congratulations, but they weren't overly happy for us . They were already expectant grandparents with their first granddaughter.

This excitement and joy was short lived as we booked a private scan to establish how far gone I was. The sonographer informed us I was about 4 weeks pregnant and things looked normal. Still on cloud 9 we returned home and lying in bed I began to get severe shoulder pain and dizziness. My partner phoned up our local EPAU and they told us to come up immediately. When we arrived they took my bloods and sent me home again with instructions to return if my symptoms progressed. The following day my symptoms became unbearable and my partner rushed me to the hospital.

They informed me that my pregnancy was ectopic and gave me a booklet to read so I was 'informed' about my condition

The following morning they sent me for an ultrasound to confirm their fears, and after being taken back up to the ward, the consultant returned and informed me and my partner that it was a misdiagnosis and it was in fact a threatened miscarriage.I was absolutely made up my little tiny baby had every chance and I was going to do everything I could to keep it that way. I became obsessive about taking my pregnancy vitamins and if I took them late I'd be overcome with a sense of dread that if anything happened it was my fault because I'd messed up my routine. The weeks following consisted of weekly scans and nothing but anxiety and panic attacks.

The scans showed growth but 'nothing significant' as the extremely insensitive consultant liked to put it. By what should have been my 10th week there was still no heartbeat and they informed me I'd had a missed miscarriage. They gave me my options of natural or a D&C and left me and my partner to make our decision. I wasn't ready to let go and opted to book my D&C for 2 weeks time, that way I will have given my baby every chance in the world.

Unfortunately the following days I began to spot but still no miscarriage. My D&C date arrived and after a scan to confirm that I still had "retained products of conception", I went down to the ward to await my theatre slot. Upon waking I just had this sense of emptiness and I was entirely inconsolable I just wanted my baby. After being kept in for observation due to a reaction to the anaesthetic I returned home that evening.

I was reluctant to leave the house fearing I would see pregnant women I wasn't ready for that. I was re-admitted to hospital 2 days later due to a severe haemorrhage and required a transfusion. I had another ultrasound to confirm my uterus was clear and sitting with all these pregnant women with their beautiful bumps and scan photo's was the hardest part of this ordeal. I was collected by the porter to be taken back up to the ward. She rubbed my belly and asked how baby was! My first thoughts were complete disgust and anger at how misinformed she was. I was livid!

Going home and trying to continue with my life was just too much. I gave up my dream career and I'm still trying to keep my head above the water almost a year on, I'm just waiting for it to get easier. The one lesson I have learnt from all of this is you can't put a timescale on grief. You take your time and you grieve in whatever way you find best! Your loss is no less than anybody else's!

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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