It was back in 2000, I got married only two months before but we decided to try for a baby straight away . I got pregnant so quickly I was over the moon.It has always been my dream to have at least three children. I knew I was pregnant as I started experiencing morning sickness, and a lot of changes in my body. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy, I was given some injections as I had experienced a few blood spots but everybody was reassuring me saying that a lot of women still had a normal pregnancy.
I went to buy a little pyjama ,I still have it in the back of a draw, I can't look at it even after all these years. Yellow with a little monkey face at the front. I went to buy it with my mum ,she was thrilled .I still remember that shopping trip so well and then, then after a few days the bleeding got worse much worse and the doctors at the hospital told me that the baby wasn't developing at all and there was no heartbeat.
I froze. And the cold that unbearable cold took over .I could not feel warm. My baby , who I knew, I could feel was a girl ,wasn't there .....anymore.
It was the 25th of November and I will never forget that day. The doctors weren't nice and didn't even bother to explain exactly what was happening ,they told me to come back on Monday as I needed a surgery. While the nurse was taking me downstairs for some blood test she looked at me in disbelief as I was an idiot saying: how on earth you could not see there was something wrong?
I felt lost, angry, I wanted to shout, I wanted to be left alone and to be able to curl up and tell my baby how much I love her. I felt a failure, I hadn't be able to protect and save my baby and people ,doctors, nurses were thinking the same. The following few moths were dreadful. I left my job and could not connect with anything or anyone anymore. Till when I got pregnant again and this time the pregnancy carried on a bit longer but then ...again, I lost a boy on mother's day, all the women in the maternity ward were celebrating their new babies and mother's day and I was grieving again, this time doctors and nurses were absolutely fantastic.
I changed hospital and the support they gave me was great but the cold inside me reappeared. No I haven't been lucky enough to have children, I went through a cycle of IVF and lost a third baby, a girl.The thing that hurt me the most is when people say: it's nature, it's the way for nature to tell you that your babies were not ready! It made things worse! It means I'm not capable of developing a baby, it means I'm a failure as a woman, I feel half woman,I feel powerless.
Doctors kept telling me that they could not find the cause of my miscarriages ,apparently my body works perfectly so this makes things even harder, why oh why cant I be a mother?
It was my biggest dream and wish. My marriage fell apart, I'm now in my mid forties and lost all the hopes of being a mum. Some people especially women, this is the hard bit, consider me less because I haven't got children. A woman once told me: you must be so left out by all your friends who have children!!!! So I'm glad I have found this charity as I hope that it will help people to be more sensitive and sensible towards miscarriage and childless couples and also I hope to see more understanding among doctors and nurses. My three babies are always with me, sometimes I wonder how they would look like, I know they will be in my heart for ever.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer