#misCOURAGE story, 20/04/2017, by anonymous
I miscarried after drinking myself into a stupor after a break up with my long term partner. I didn't know I was pregnant.
I had really bad stomach cramps and a headache and I thought it was just the mix of alcohol and headache tablets.
I was huddled on the floor in my living room watching television early morning (4am) I was in agony, at this point I thought I'd wet myself.
When I looked I had blood all over my pyjama pants and I was still leaking. Clots of blood were stuck to my legs, I didn't move. I just cried.
Being trained to look after children and mothers I knew what this was. I felt sick. I felt disappointed.
All those false alarms and when I was really pregnant I didn't even notice. The father was MIA. I couldn't reach him. I didn't know what to do.
I bottled up my feelings and cleaned myself and the floor to within an inch of its life. I didn't tell anyone anything. I felt it was my burden to bear.
I eventually told a friend and said it out loud. In saying it out loud I felt free. I felt like my baby was free too. Free from silent tears, free from anxiety, free from secrets.
My baby is with god,
I'll hold you in my heart until I hold you in heaven.
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