#misCOURAGE stories, 13/01/2017, Stephanue Calder
Holding bean in my hands I headed for the bus tears cascading down my cheeks not caring how I looked or what people thought, not quite thinking straight or trying actually not trying to think at all I sat for the duration of what felt like the longest journey of my life like a robot looking at nothing in particular still crying silent tears and feeling what I can only explain as the worst pain I had ever experienced in my whole life in fact the death of my own father hadn’t hurt this much what the fuck!
I looked at my phone and I don’t know how but managed to put the words together to explain to Mikey that we had in fact lost our baby 3.30 this morning and sent the picture knowing his soul would be ripped out any second now.
Telling him now made it real I got off the bus and threw up into a bush much to the dismay of the long queue of people waiting for a morning pick me up from the coffee van outside the entrance to the hospital.
Shaking and still feeling sick I walked in hot and sweating and wanting to retch again I managed to ask directions to the EPN (early pregnancy unit) tears came again and trying to stifle the sobs coming from a body that didn’t feel like my own I took a lift as the pain was now unbearable to the point I thought I was going to pass out I clung to the rails leading me to the place I knew was going to tell me really what I already knew that our baby had gone, died however they were going to put it I knew I just knew the tiny little life in the palm of my hand was my baby my beautiful little miracle my chance to get things right the little life that would of bonded me to Mikey and his family my future my happy ending!
The wrong door twice really could even I be this unlucky to end up on pregnancy ward surrounded with mums with big beautiful bumps only me I fell to my knees and broke I just broke there and then in the middle of a bunch of strangers mums to be nurses doctors.
I broke there and then on that floor my heart broke my body broke and my mind broke.
I felt hands raise me up and not sure how I got there but I was sat with a midwife holding my hands asking me questions I couldn’t bring myself to answer so I took bean from my pocket and lost it all over again, sympathetic as she was nothing made sense.
I told her how careful I had been the folic acid the pregnacare what had I done wrong I was looking for answers that had no answer she said it looked like I had miscarried really who would of fucking guessed really I hated her and I didn’t know her I truly hated her more when she asked me to strip from the waist down so she could check how I was doing!
Check how I was doing was she for real I had my dead baby in my hands how the fuck did she think I was doing, she turned the screen away from me again don’t know why I knew there would be nothing there although for one minuscule second I was praying it could of been twins and by the grace of god one may of survived but no I’m really sorry she said you have lost your baby she was sorry?
Why she was sorry she didn’t know me why was she sorry? Get ready and we will have a chat she said so I did.
The numbness the overwhelming pain and hurt engulfed me and I sank to the floor and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed some more.....
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