I broke down and screamed there was no heartbeat

Why should it be a taboo subject a baby was created and was loved and wanted it was just too beautiful for earth.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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October 2016

Valerie

This is my 2nd miscarriage, 1st missed miscarriage.

My 1st miscarriage happened October 2011 our life's fell apart we had only just found out we were having a baby and now just few weeks later we had lost it. I felt numb and asked why me was it something I done, ate, thought!

I saw other women with babies and pregnant women all around me but I couldn't have a baby!

Time went on and I began to accept life without a child. 3 years later I got pregnant and gave birth to a healthy baby boy I was relieved as I spent my whole 9 months on toilet watch for any discharge or blood!

In August 2016 we found out we were expecting again once again the fear started and toilet watching started again... at week 10 I got a little orange brown discharge no pain nothing I called midwife to be told not to worry if I was to have red blood or pain then I had to worry.

At week 11 I started to loose my pregnancy feelings and symptoms but I kept thinking no pain no bleeding I will be fine.

11th October 2016 we had the scan date at 12 weeks 6 days the appointment over ran by 45 mins and my nerves began to kick in.

The sonographer got me to lay down and ran the scanner over my stomach a little tiny baby appeared on the screen but she had a look on her face. She asked me how many weeks I thought I was I said 12 weeks she said I can see a baby that's about 8 or 9 weeks.

I needed an internal scan. I was really scanned to be told sorry there is no heartbeat. Take a seat in the family room and a nurse will come and speak with what happens next.

I followed a health care assistant through into epu which I had to walk through the waiting area of pregnant women eager for their scan. I sat in the room with my husband and just cried.

After about 10 mins I got moved rooms and then into a nurses room who expressed her sorrow and explain that I had missed miscarriage and had 3 choices wait to see if body losses it naturally a tablet or surgery. I opted for natural.

I returned home to my little boy and my mum eager to find out if it was twins! I broke down and screamed there was no heartbeat and cried heart out.

Why why why did this happen again why did my body not want to give up my dead baby.

13th October I woke up at 6.30am with niggles and pains I got up and started to get my boy his breakfast. Pains were getting stronger and as I bent over the table I had the urge to push and something fell out into my pad I went to the toilet to investigate to find a perfect sac the size of my fist.

I picked it up and saw there was a little tear in the sac the waters burst and there was a perfect little baby my baby with eyes noses mouth arms legs. I held her in my hand trying not to hurt her. I put her in a plastic container as I didn't want to just get rid of her. She was perfect. 

We decided to call her niamh as the name came to me the night before. We got a wooden box and painted it white I got her name engraved on a plaque and decorated her coffin with butterflies. We buried her in a big planter and got a purple pink plant to represent her.

Hardest thing was telling people how the scan went as everyone was eager to see a picture. I never got one.

I put a Facebook status with regards to our news and the overwhelming response was touching private messages rolled in with friends saying they are glad I spoke out as it's still a taboo subject. They had went through a miscarriage but no one knew.

Why should it be a taboo subject a baby was created and was loved and wanted it was just too beautiful for earth.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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