I suppose I'm lucky in one way, I've got two beautiful girls, now aged 6 and 5. Both were normal, easy pregnancies and births.
In April 2015, I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. It was a shock as it was unplanned, but I was still happy and looking forward to the new arrival in December.
I had an awful few weeks due to a viral infection, and morning sickness; with lots of trips to the doctor. I ended up having anti-sickness tablets and I was off work. Most of the time I was just on the sofa, in and out of sleep and not like myself at all.
The sickness really took hold at 8 weeks. I struggled on, and by the time I saw the midwife at nearly 12 weeks, I had started to feel so much better. Now, looking back I should have thought something was wrong.
On the Monday I was 12 weeks and 2 days, and noticed some brownish discharge. I ended up ringing the midwife, which she said was normal, so I tried not to worry. But by the next day it had turned to blood. I rang her again and was sent to the EPU.
They told me a scan wouldn't be done until Thursday, but after the examination, they said they would do the scan that day. That's when I knew it was all over.
The scan was so different to my other two, with the screen turned away and silence from the scanner lady
In the end, I had to have an internal scan as they couldn't see enough. Then came the words I dreaded to hear: "Sorry no heartbeat". The baby had died at 8 weeks, which is ironic as that's when I felt my worst during the pregnancy. I did have a scan photo and a look at the screen which helped me, although it was hard at the time.
Then the worst bit - having to go in the next day for the management of the miscarriage. It still didn't seem real; it was awful. I had local and was awake for it all, but it was over quickly and then home to get over it.
I was a mess; crying all the time, negative thoughts. What did I do wrong? Was it because I was ill? Fatter? Older? I was just trying to put the blame somewhere. I heard all sorts, "but these things happen", “at least you were early”, “something must have been wrong with the baby”. They were probably right, but it didn't make it any easier.
The hospital arranged a service for all the babies lost at the same time as mine, so we went to say goodbye. It was extremely hard, but I needed to go. I had good friends and family around me that cried with me, hugged me, and helped with my two girls. It was the most awful time in my life so far.
I managed somehow to channel my negative thoughts into positive thoughts
I bought a clay baby angel from a lady who hand makes them, so I feel I've got something to remember the baby by; not that I will ever forget it.
I joined a slimming group and I'm proud to say, I've lost two-and-a-half stone and got back into a size 12, which has helped me think of something else.
It has really affected me and I'm sad about it a lot; what the baby would have been, having another member of our family and with Christmas and the due date being so close, it has been hard. But I went to lay some flowers where the baby's ashes were scattered and although upsetting, it really helped.
So here I am. I read all the Tommy’s #misCOURAGE stories and look on all the websites, looking for information. I hope some good can come of my pain. One day there may be a rainbow baby.
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