by Fiona Forster
I have two amazing little boys and my husband and I decided to add to our little family in Summer 2014. With my boys I fell pregnant almost instantly, I was so lucky as they were both easy pregnancies beyond the normal morning sickness and aches and pains.
I fell pregnant again with my third really fast and everything was going fantastically. We had our 12 week scan and we saw our little one at turn over and move around. The blood tests were fine and we went for a midwife check up at 17 weeks which again was all fine and we heard her heartbeat really clearly.
Over the next few weeks I felt a bit anxious as I hadn't felt much movement but it was my third time and I'm not skinny so I tried not to worry.
When we went for our 20 week scan were so excited, we sat in the antenatal waiting area so desperate to get on that scan room and find out if it was a girl or boy.
The ultrasound persons face once we were all set up said a thousand words. She kept trying and trying to find something, she kept asking how far along I was and shaking her head. She put her hand on mine and said "I'm so very sorry its not good news" and my lovely life fell apart.
We were lead away from the room and taken to a ward where we waited for what felt like forever for a doctor to come. I had to send my husband to collect our children and I sat alone while they explained my options.
I was so out of it. I took the tablet she gave me and walked out to meet my husband and children and to try and pretend I was OK in front of them. I was booked to go back in three days so I sat at home waiting to see if I miscarried in front of my children.
Those days will never leave me; sitting waiting to see if it would happen naturally and although it sounds like a horrible way to say it, I felt like a walking coffin.
I was starting to break down so my husband phoned the hospital and they took me in early.
Going through labour knowing what the outcome was going to be broke me. I'd never take this baby, never be able to kiss it's little face and introduce it to her brothers, grandparents and friend's. She arrived in the early hours of the morning and was whipped away as I was not in a fit state to handle it.
On top of that I couldn't pass the placenta and started to bleed badly. I was rushed to surgery and I will never forget my husband's face how scared he looked. He told me later that he thought he was going to lose me too.
The next day they tried to sit and talk to me about funerals and tests. My husband broke down and I just felt like I'd died inside. We eventually got through the arrangements and they let me go home.
Writing this I remember thinking that I wanted to disappear from the world.
The one thing that saved me were my 2 children. Having to get out of bed and get dressed, not having the choice of giving up because they needed me. They hadn't done anything to deserve losing their mum and that kept me going.
My heart still breaks for those people who have had miscarriages and haven't had that reason to keep going.
After a long time of hiding in the house and not talking to people I started counseling with a local service whom were amazing.
They helped me to get past the guilt and resentment, not completely but enough to function again.
They helped me to start talking about what happened with my husband and to be able to understand that it wasn't my fault.
Since then we have discovered we were having a little girl and her ashes have been scattered in the gardens of remembrance at our cemetery. We lit a candle for her on the 5th of December on the day she was born. And April will always be a hard month for me as that's when she should have joined us properly.
My husband and I have been through so much in this last year. Its torn us apart and we've built it all back up over and over again and I'm sure it will keep happening for a long time yet.
I no longer trust my body at all, I hate it I want to be able to never look at it again, it let me down when I needed it most.
I will never be the same person again, I am changed and there will never be a day I don't think about her and what happened.
The tests told us nothing at all. I will never be able to put myself back into this situation again. I will never be pregnant again, I'm too scared.
I believe that the only reason I survived is my two boys and the support of my husband. No one else could have got me through this.
I believe that women who go through miscarriage do not get the support they need.
I paid for counselling why did I have to do that? I would have to go through this two more times to get tests done that can give answers.
Things needs to change. Women deserve more than this I truly believe that.
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