After trying for 9 months our beautiful daughter was delivered by C-section in October 2011. Although she was breeched everything else in pregnancy was normal.
We fell pregnant again in August 2013 but this time I felt very unwell. I remember thinking either something's not right or there's got to be two in there... our 13 week scan showed identical twins!
At first I was shock; how on earth was I going to cope with three under two year- olds? Then the sonographer drew a breath and said: ' it's early days and there's a problem.'
It felt like everything had suddenly come crashing down around me.
In the following three days I had more detailed scans and was faced with making an awful decision. Seeing them together on the scan was so amazing like two little jelly beans bouncing around kicking each other. I literally could have watched them for ever and just couldn't believe they were inside me BUT my twins were really poorly and showing major abnormalities.
Even I could see that things were far from right. It was explained to me the likelihood of survival was zero and that my body should have miscarried earlier. Following their advice and I was booked in for a termination three days later, something I never thought in a million years I would have to do. I gave birth to the twins naturally which having previously had a C-section, was extremely intense.
I held them after they were born sleeping and they were just beautiful! The guilt I felt following this experience made it a tough road to recovery and I was unwell for some time afterwards.
We decided to try again and became pregnant again in August 2014 this was bitter-sweet as we had the same due date a year later as the twins but unfortunately we miscarried at 6 weeks and were told that it was just 'bad luck.'
We then fell pregnant in June 2015 but miscarried at 7 weeks 3 days. The scan showed the baby had stopped developing at 5 weeks 6 days. We saw a specialist who told me again that it was all really bad luck, everything was OK and you've done it once so you can do it again. "There's nothing I can do for you" he said.
Finding out I was pregnant again in September 2015 felt different. This time I had let my guard down I really thought; 'This is it' but that was only to miscarry again at 5 weeks.
It's times like these that you would love a crystal ball. The biggest question is always WHY?
There's not a week that goes by where my little girl doesn't say to me "Mummy I'm being patient and I know it takes a long time for you to grow my sister in your tummy. But please can I get her out just for one little cuddle"
For all those mummy's out there ... you are all amazing
For all those that should have been and would have been or can't be ...your hearts are.
It's great that there is more awareness for people now keep up the good work
I am Mummy of 6 and forever grateful for the 1 that I can hold.
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