by Grace Lidster
Back in August 2015 we found out we were pregnant, we were absolutely elated to say the least! Suddenly filled with the hopes and dreams of starting a family and embracing the wonderful news. A few weeks later I started bleeding, being completely new to pregnancy we went to A and E. There we were told I was miscarrying, I remember just feeling shocked and confused. That was until we walked out of the hospital and turned to one another. Seeing the heartbreak in one another eyes brought on the tears, they did not stop.
I could not understand how I was the 1 in 4. I struggled with the hurtful remarks which fitted most other life situations, "Its just one of those things", "Things happen for a reason", they felt like knives through my heart. I somehow picked myself up thinking it won't happen again. I then became obsessed with getting pregnant, unhealthily obsessed.Three months later that exciting two line moment happened again, I guarded my feelings but was secretly delighted. Again, a few weeks later I started bleeding. This time my GP referred us for a scan.
I will never ever forget the moment the image came up with just a black empty space, an empty womb. I knew what a baby scan should look like
From that moment I felt I changed. I felt less of a woman, a disappointment, a failure. For two months I became anxious, reserved and an emotional mess. I was angry, bitter, jealous and deeply saddened. How were we now the 1 in 50? I returned to my GP begging for answers only to be told " Your young, it will happen", " I cannot do anything for you until you have three". I fought my pain ridden tears until I returned to the car.
In hind sight I can only say what helped me through was hope. One day putting the bins out I found a small glass heart engraved with the words, hope, believe, achieve. I oddly kept it, something before I would of laughed at and every morning I breathed in those words. I then let myself grieve, I let myself be angry and cry until I could not any more.
Once again I immersed myself in conceiving again to divert my attention, wishing each cycle day away, every day I was not pregnant felt like a constant wait. I did a test one day thinking I was having symptoms and it was negative. I remember messaging Sam saying how I wanted it to be us going to scans and going baby shopping. I just couldn't envisage that moment for us. Two days later a retest was positive, since that moment I counted down every single day until 12 weeks.
Today I am 15 weeks and 2 days pregnant
I had bleeding this time at 8.5 weeks but a scan revealed all was well. We have had three scans now and each time has felt like watching someone else on the screen. We are finally allowing ourselves to be excited!
Miscarriage put us through a very lonely, unfair and dark time. But what it taught me was to now be grateful for every day I was pregnant and to believe I was until something told me otherwise. To be grateful for the people around me and hold an understanding of the mean, unspoken tragedies that people carry and move forward from. I have made it this far in this pregnancy and believe this time we will get our rainbow baby. My ordeal is nothing compared to some women's, but the pain of a miscarriage should be spoken about more openly.
Tommy's page helped me to know I was not alone in the worst time of my life. I want other women to now read mine knowing they are not alone and that always there is hope.
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