How was I meant to try and mentally move on when I physically couldn't?

My constant bleeding was a constant reminder of what I'd lost. What we had lost.

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August 2016

Charlotte Butler

My name is Charlotte and I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant. This is my 3rd pregnancy and I currently have no children. 

I lost my first baby to a missed miscarriage 3 years ago. I remember being so excited for my pregnancy and my baby and not once did a miscarriage cross my mind. I was around 9 weeks when I started spotting. After lots of trips to the hospital and scans it turns out my baby had died at around 6 weeks. They scanned me and made me wait a week to see if it was just small due to my dates being wrong as it could be my baby just wasn't big enough to have a heartbeat yet, despite the bleeding.

That week was the longest of my life. it also sadly filled me with hope. Hope that it might be ok.

That week was cut short though as I ended up in A&E due to losing too much blood, I had to be put on a drip and kept in over night. The next day I was then given options on how I'd want to get my baby out. I chose the Manual Vacuum Aspiration. This is a procedure that was done awake. Any other option would of meant waiting and they said I could have that on the same day, I just wanted it over. Although the procedure was painful it was nothing compared to the heartache I'd already suffered up to that point and the heartache that was to come. 

Me and my then boyfriend decided we would wait until trying again. We weren't ready to deal with it happening again. We put focus on ourselves for a while. In the time we waited we got engaged, got married and bought our first house together. 

This brings us up to late 2015 when we decided to try again. 

The first 12 weeks of the pregnancy was an emotional roller-coaster.

Although I hadn't bled at all, every twinge, pain, ache would cause me worry and I'd think the worst. I'd get excited and then cry. Our dating scan was in December. We were scared but excited. I lay on the bed and was terrified. We had gotten to nearly 13 weeks though, I hadn't been ill, I hadn't had any spotting or any signs that anything was wrong, I was just being silly thinking the worst, surely? "I'm sorry, there isn't a heartbeat" once again our whole world shattered. My baby measured around 9 weeks.

This time I chose the medial management for my baby. They gave me tablets and kept me in over night. I finally passed my baby and then had a scan the next morning and was sent home. I was told I would bleed for around two weeks and then I should wait for a period before trying again.Try again? I wanted that baby. 

I bled for a lot longer than two weeks, 4 months in total. Apparently I had tissue remaining inside my womb that didn't want to come out. I had to have a d&c. After the bleeding still didn't stop and scans showed the tissue was still in there I was referred to a specialist and had to have another procedure but awake. 

How was I meant to try and mentally move on when I physically couldn't?

My constant bleeding was a constant reminder of what I'd lost. What we had lost. Thankfully though the last procedure worked, I bled for around a week after, had a few days break and then had what I assumed was my first period since before getting pregnant. 
We where heartbroken for what we had lost but we wanted a baby more than anything and we decided to try again. We caught straight away. It's such a sad thing when you want something so much and when you get it you can't be as happy as you'd like to be? I also had some spotting at the start but after a few scans it tuns out everything was so far so good. 

This brings us up to present day. I am 18 weeks pregnant with a little girl. We have had a few extra scans for reassurance but the reassurance only lasts a few days for me, then I'm left wondering if everything is ok in there. I'm over the moon at how far I have gotten this time but I'm so scared. I can't really feel her move yet and I have my past constantly at the back of my mind. I wish I could fully enjoy this experience but its hard to let go. 

Friends and family are so supportive and try to reassure me but yet I still find it such a lonely place. I try to keep my worries to myself most of the time and put on a front to people. I guess this is the reason I decided to write bits of my long story down. Reading other peoples stories who have been though miscarriage also helps me feel less alone at my lowest points. Knowing I'm not silly for feeling the way I do. 

I do have hope everything will be OK though. I think I'd be lost without it

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