I remember the day I found out I was pregnant.
Our first born daughter was about 9 months old and I had an idea I was pregnant so did a home test. Bingo, I was pregnant.
I remember feeling a little panicked as it wasn't planned and I wasn't sure how I was going to cope with 2 children. This feeling, to this day 9 years on, makes me feel guilty as I thought maybe the baby felt unwanted.
My husband was over the moon when I told him and this eased my fears of being a Mum again.
I was all booked in with the midwives and the day came for us to see our second child at the 12 week scan. I knew something was wrong as soon as they turned the monitor to make it harder for us to see.
They told us that our baby had stop growing and they couldn't find a heart beat. Our baby had died. 2 days after the scan I started to lose our baby and was taken into hospital after fainting due to the blood loss.
To hear your baby referred to as 'product' or 'fetus' felt so demeaning, it was our baby.
Every doctor or nurse that dealt with me explained it wasn't my fault, it was just nature telling you that it wasn't meant to be, if your baby lived it may not live a healthy life and would probably suffer from genetic disorders. None of this was a comfort to me.
Unfortunately my body was unable to lose our baby on its own, another failure on my part, and a week later I had an operation to remove my baby.
We were heart broken and felt isolated as there wasn't anyone around us who understood what we were feeling.
I felt like I'd let us down, that my stupid body hadn't worked properly. I felt guilty for the feeling I first felt over the unplanned pregnancy.
People treated it as just one of those things that happens but we had lost a child just because we hadn't held them in our arms doesn't mean that we cared for them any less.
Time does heal though and although I think about whether that baby might have been our boy we went on to have another beautiful healthy little girl.
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