They say it’s common. But it’s not common for the people going through it for the first time. It’s not even common when you’re going through it a second time. And saying it’s common doesn’t make it any less devastating.
I’d wanted a family for as long as I could remember. It was a strong sense of my deeper purpose, that one role, one career in life that I knew I was meant to have. Everything else had just been building up to me finally getting the promotion to ‘mother’ that I had worked so long towards achieving.
Because of this I viewed myself as a mum from day one. That very first moment that I dared to hope I might be pregnant, turning in to the absolute joy when I got the positive result.
For a while I floated along on a cloud of elation, exhaustion and nausea. Then came the cramping which didn’t feel quite right, so I spoke to my doctor. They referred me to the Early Pregnancy Unit and I was given a date for a scan. It was booked for a Thursday afternoon so I decided to go in to work that morning and head on to my appointment from there. At around midday, I popped to the loo and there was the obvious sign that all was not well.
I went for my appointment and the scan proved inconclusive. I was told to come back in a week, that was it. No more information, no guidance, just to come back in a week. It was a long week, during which time I knew what had happened. I returned and was told there was nothing there. My baby was gone and that was it.
Fast forward a year and a half, and, having faced some fertility issues and as it turns out, depression, I found myself pregnant again.
Again I was a mum from day one, but this time my excitement was more tempered. I was protecting myself. I contact the EPU to arrange a scan as I was now on their books so to speak. I was 7.5 weeks, we were hoping for a heartbeat but there wasn’t anything there.
I was told to come back in a week…
This time, I knew what to expect, I knew what I needed to help me through and I made sure I took all the support and time that I needed. I also started to talk openly about my experience which is when I found that so many people I knew had also experienced a miscarriage. I wish I’d spoken out sooner, I wish I’d know of all the support available and I wish it wasn’t such a taboo.
I now have a beautiful daughter, I might be mum of one in this world but I will always be a mum of three in my heart.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer