Emotional roller coaster

I knew then I was losing the baby. I felt destroyed, I felt so upset, what had I done wrong?

Story of Miscourage

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.


Story of #miscourage by Jennifer,  

I feel I shouldn’t really complain as I’ve two beautiful boys which I am truly grateful. 

I am in a new relationship and we have been planing to have our own child and this is my story so far

I didn’t have trouble getting pregnant and was over the moon when I finally did, I decided not to tell anyone as I thought I’d wait till after 12 weeks but sadly at 8 I started to bleed, no pain just spotting. I carried on with work as the blood wasn’t heavy, but after two days the blood got heavier.

It was a Saturday so I knew scanning was closed but midwifes over the phone advised that I attend A&E due to blood loss. I was referred to early scan for Monday and given antibiotics for a urine infection. Once home the heavy heavy bleeding and clots started. I knew then I was losing the baby. I felt destroyed, I felt so upset, what had I done wrong? Why had my baby died? At the scan on Monday it was confirmed that only half a sac was visable but I still had to wait a week to confirm.

The waiting I found very hard, a small part of me prayed that my baby would be alive and the lady was wrong but sadly reality came with a bump. Two weeks sick I needed off work as the tears wouldn’t stop.

So two months on I am pregnant again, mixed emotions as I was so happy at the start but so scared at the same time. I decided to have a reassurance scan (external scan privately).

Which now I wish I never!

So at 8 weeks i had a scan, no reassurance given as the baby was measuring 5 weeks with no heartbeat, I felt broken again, why was this happening again, i was told to wait 10 days, 10 days so it can grow/change, it felt like torture being in limbo not knowing what’s happening inside your body. 10 days came slowly enough and sadly listening to the lady she told me my baby still had no heartbeat, and the sac measured the same size as last visit and that I would expect the worst, I made myself ready, ready for loss, ready to not cry, ready to keep fighting, ready for bad news.

The next day I was referred to the main hospital for scan 3 (internal), as I lay on the bed, lady began her observation she said to my shock she had found a flutter a heartbeat, I couldn’t understand, comprehend what she was saying and I cried that much she had to stop scanning me, i was so confused. 

After the scan I spoke to another nurse who explained that yes the baby had a heartbeat but it was slow/weak, that the sac was irregular and there was spots inside the sac which weren’t good signs :( it was back to square one. The confusion continued.

The next day after the scan I became ill mentally, I was signed off work for two weeks. 

I’ve another (internal) scan this Thursday 12/10. I pray the sac has grown and the heart is beating faster. 

I didn’t take the two weeks sick leave in the end, as at the moment my baby is still fighting so so am I. Work are supportive and my mental illness is hiding. As I can’t have more time off work. 

I have to be positive for my baby even tho I feel like a ticking time bomb. Come on little one keep growing and fighting

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Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer


    Please note that these comments are monitored but not answered by Tommy’s. Please call your GP or maternity unit if you have concerns about your health or your baby’s health.
    • By Yvonne Jackson (not verified) on 16 Jun 2018 - 17:04

      You’re so brave, that’s one of the hardest things to be in your position, you’re doing a good job xxx

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