#misCOURAGE stories, 13/01/2017, Nickelle
I have faced some difficult adversities in my life. The cards life has dealt me has not always been easy. However I have always persevered because I believe in resilience. I believe in education, I believe in personal development and I believe that your adversities do not have to define you.
Last year I was studying for my final year of my Master’s degree. I’m sure you can understand the pressures this brings within itself. However, during this time I experienced some very personal and devastating losses.
This very year suddenly and unexpectedly became the most difficult year of my life.
I lost two pregnancies due to miscarriages and also had an ectopic pregnancy that resulted in emergency surgery and a lengthy recovery process.
Whilst as many as 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage in their lifetime, 1 in 100 will experience multiple miscarriages. Needless to say, to experience 3 losses in less than the space of a year, was one of the most traumatic tribulations I have ever had the misfortune of facing.
Subsequently I lost the belief that I could get through the day, yet alone my course. Each hour became hours of deep bleak darkness.
My body was malfunctioning.. ..Why would my brain work any better? I was so scared and there was nothing I could do to save my pregnancies.. my babies.
My world fell apart and so did I. I considered giving up studying, which would have been really upsetting for me but understandable given the circumstances.
I felt unable to cope with anything at the time. I struggled with getting out of bed each day because I did not want to feel. Being asleep made me neutral... whilst being awake forced me to feel tremendous & endless pain that screamed at me internally despite the fact that I suffered silently.
Getting through each hour became a fighting battle.
Miscarriages and losses are often not spoken about publicly by many. . It is somehow a subject often spoken about behind closed doors and mourned privately. I choose not to do this, because it was in the very experiences of other women did I find comfort and did my healing process begin.
Stories of the courageous experiences of women are not widely available but were so valuable in providing me hope. Somehow I was able to open up to speak about my losses to my family & friends. And with the support of my husband, I felt understood, encouraged and was able to take some time I needed to recover physically, mentally and emotionally.
I suddenly looked different in the mirror.. each lie I told myself previously.. that it was somehow my fault. I wasn’t woman enough. Strong enough. Deserving enough.. The many deceptions that I whispered to myself started to transform.
The narrative blossomed into a beautiful song of affirmation that I began to see in myself.
I am all woman.
Humbled to be a woman.. scars and all..
I am ALL feminine.
I am entirely and wonderfully made.
Beautiful and sweet as a watermelon (as my sisters would say).
I am a phoenix rising from the ashes of the bleak pits of deep despair. Holding on to the magic that “the soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears”.
With support I began to believe in myself and my academic ability. I began to regain the confidence I needed to be able to successfully get through the day. I did not want to give up, however I did not have to due to the invaluable support provided.
Eventually with guidance, a newly renewed & undeterred mind set and endless hours of work, the pursuit of my masters became closer and closer. I once again began to believe that my adversities do not have to define me. It ultimately helped me to reach my end goal of completing my course successfully.
I cannot forget what happened, neither do I want to. I have been forever transformed into a beautiful sphere of a rainbow consisting of some of the darkest and brightest colours.
I choose to speak out as I wish to inspire. To give voice to a vocal army of the 25th percenters who seek to normalise common knowledge of miscarriage and loss in the social sphere.
I hope this message travels its way to you with love. The message that;
You are not broken.
You did nothing wrong.
You are strong even when you feel weak.
You are brave.
You are not alone.
There is hope.
And despite everything.. You Will Endure.
I still pray and am positively hopeful for our rainbow baby in the future. My silver lining in my experiences however, does not end with the tales of a child I look forward to holding in my arms one day. But it is within the beauty and resilience of the human soul. We are the magic in our stories.
My experiences are not just about miscarriages and loss, but in the strength of overcoming in the mist of adversity. .. This is a story of misCOURAGE…
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer