I lost my son at 13wks 6days on 10th December 2014. I was on the pill when I fell pregnant with my boyfriend of 6 months at the time having gone through a 14 year marriage breakdown at the end of the previous year. My ex gave me the ultimatum baby or him. I obviously chose my baby, I could abort. But I struggled with the stress and emotion of losing someone I thought I loved. Having made that choice I focused on my baby. I made plans and couldn't wait to meet him.
Then at 13 weeks I just felt something was wrong. I can't explain it, I had all the pregnancy symptoms but just didn't feel 'right' so I paid for a private scan. I went on my own and that day will haunt me forever.
I remember seeing my beautiful baby on the screen, his perfect lips and face....then noticing his still chest...no heartbeat.
The sonographer said those awful words 'I'm so sorry there's no heartbeat' my world, my heart, my life ended right there.
I called my Mum who was 4 hours away and doesn't drive and all I could do was sob and cry 'the baby died'. She came, as did my best friend and my sister. All I remember is the utter desolation and desire to just not be here.
I went to the NHS hospital the next day and was told I had to have another scan. They completed this and I got to see my boy one last time. I then saw a consultant who I remember just kept referring to my baby, my son, my world as a 'product'. I'm not a violent person however I did lose my temper and tell him if he called my baby a product one more time I would put him through the window.
He didn't after that.
I was booked in for a ERPC on the following Wednesday....4 days away. As nature wold have it I actually start bleeding and contracting on the Tuesday night.
I was taken to A&E where I was left for 10 hours with noone coming to examine me at all. I was given some oramorph to help with the pains. By 7am the next morning I hadn't passed my baby so I was taken to the day surgery unit for the planned procedure.
I later found out I was 6cm dilated. My beautiful baby was taken, I remember saying my goodbye to him before the anesthetic took me under.
Waking up without him was gut wrenching.
Of course all throughout this I didn't have confirmation he was indeed a boy, it was just my feeling. Later after examination it was confirmed I had been right, my baby was my boy - Joshua James. He had no chromosomal issues, it was an unexplained missed miscarriage.
All I know is now, 22 months later it still kills me. I miss him. I love him. I wish I didn't have part of me missing. I wish other women never had to go through this. So many wishes, no magic to make it happen. I don't have my rainbow baby....I'm a Mother with no living child, that is the hardest life to live.
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